The cold air rushing through the cracked driver’s side window did nothing to clear the fog in my head. Every traffic light I passed seemed to flash an accusatory red, pulsing like a warning siren through the quiet, early-morning streets. My steering wheel felt slippery under my hands—hands that were still trembling, hands that still smelled faintly of Ryan’s cedarwood cologne and the cheap lavender soap in Maya’s bathroom.
?When I finally pulled into my driveway, the engine died with a mechanical sigh that sounded altogether too heavy. I sat in the dark for a long ten minutes, staring at my own front door, paralyzed by the sudden shift in my reality.
?I am a monster. The thought wasn't a whisper; it was a physical weight crushing my chest.
?Maya wasn't just my sister; she was my tether. She was the one who remembered my ninth birthday party when our parents forgot, the one who stayed up with me through my college midterms, the one who called every single Tuesday just to check in. And Ryan—Ryan was the steady, gentle boyfriend she’d brought home last Thanksgiving, the man she’d spent the last two years talking about with a soft, giddy glow in her eyes.
?Now, that glow felt like a burn.
?I forced myself out of the car and stumbled inside, throwing my keys onto the kitchen counter. They landed with a sharp metallic clatter that made me flinch. My apartment, usually a sanctuary, felt completely foreign. I walked into the bathroom, flicking on the harsh overhead lights, and looked at myself in the mirror.
?My lips were swollen. A faint, faint shadow of a mark rested near the collar of my shirt.
?Panic surged again, hot and suffocating. I turned on the faucet, splashing freezing water over my face once, twice, three times, scrubbing at my skin until it stung. But you can't wash away a memory that's already burned into your mind. I could still feel the press of his chest against mine, the way his fingers had curled into the fabric of my shirt, the dark, unreadable hunger in his eyes when he whispered my name.
?“Don’t overthink it,” he’d said.
?Don't overthink it? How could I not? We had just torn a hole through the foundation of everything, and Sunday was coming like a runaway train.
?My phone buzzed against the marble counter.
?The sound vibrated straight through my spine. I stared at the screen, my heart hammering against my ribs so violently I thought it might crack them.
?Ryan [04:42 AM]: Made it home okay? I’m still awake. Can’t sleep.
?My thumb hovered over the glass. A sensible person—a good person—would ignore it, or send a cold, final text establishing a boundary that should have been drawn months ago.
?Instead, my fingers moved on their own.
?Hanil [04:44 AM]: Yeah. Just walked in.
?The three little typing dots appeared instantly, disappearing and reappearing as if he were writing, deleting, and rewriting his response.
?Ryan [04:45 AM]: Good. Look, I know you’re spiraling. I can feel it from here. We’ll talk about this tomorrow, okay? Just try to rest. Please.
?I locked the screen and flipped the phone face down, wrapping my arms around myself as I leaned against the sink. He sounded so calm, so collected—as if we had merely spilled a drink on a rug rather than burned down the entire house.
?Did he feel any guilt at all? Or was I the only one drowning in it?
?Unable to face my bed, I collapsed onto the couch, staring up at the shadow-draped ceiling as the sky outside shifted from ink-black to a pale, bruise-like violet. Sleep was an impossible dream. Every time I closed my eyes, I was back in Maya’s living room, feeling the point of no return slip right through my fingers.
?By 8:00 AM, the morning light was streaming aggressively through my blinds. I was sitting at the kitchen island, staring blankly into a mug of black coffee that had long gone cold, when my phone vibrated again.
?This time, the name on the caller ID made the room spin.
?Maya.
?I froze. The phone rang again. And again. On the fourth ring, terrified that not answering would seem suspicious, I tapped the green icon and brought the phone to my ear with a shaking hand.
?"H-hello?" I silenced out, trying desperately to sound like someone who had just woken up.
?"Hanil! Hey!" Maya’s voice came through crystal clear, bursting with her usual high-energy warmth. Background noises of a bustling airport terminal echoed behind her. "Did I wake you? I’m so sorry!"
?"No... no, it's fine," I breathed, clearing my throat to hide the tremor in my tone. "Just... getting ready for the day."
?"Listen, I'm calling because there's been a shift in the schedule," Maya said, her words coming out fast and light. "The conference finished earlier than expected, and my boss offered to get me on an earlier flight."
?My blood ran cold. The mug in my hand tilted slightly, splashing cold coffee onto my knuckles.
?"An... earlier flight?" I echoed, the room tilting around me.
?"Yep! I just boarded," Maya cheered. "I’m landing in two hours instead of Sunday. Isn't that great? Hey, have you talked to Ryan today? I tried calling him to ask if he could pick me up from the airport, but he didn't answer. Is he still sleeping?"
?To be continued |
