FabGuys.com forum: Jokes

By *eepeter777 OP Man
over a year ago

Bournemouth

Anyone got any Christmas joke .here one to start, how do good king Weslass like is pizza ,,, deep and crisp and even

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By *tagman6930Man
over a year ago

SW London

What is Dominic Cummings favourite Christmas song?

Driving home for Christmas.

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By *tagman6930Man
over a year ago

SW London

Why is production delayed at Santa's workshop?

Because many of his workers have had to Elf isolate...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a woman with 2 c××ts...Jedwood's mum.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why does Santa walk funny? Hes got an enormous sack which he only empties once a year!

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By *ead4HungMan
over a year ago

Sth Croydon

Love it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man was walking down the road and as he turn's the corner he walks straight into a crosseyed woman, she say's to him why don't you look where your going, he say's to her why don't you go where your looking.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa stops at three ho's

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do women wipe their eyes in the morning...cos they aint got a pair of balls to scratch.

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By *lybibarefeetMan
over a year ago

Henlow

You hear about the dwarf who ran under a woman's skirt? He was punished for it. Got a clit round the earhole...

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By *ello 1000Man
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

I once had a job in a department store as Santa , , , the pay wasn't good but the holidays were long

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By *estcum2020Man
over a year ago

Workington

"Anyone got any Christmas joke .here one to start, how do good king Weslass like is pizza ,,, deep and crisp and even "

Pretty sure its good King Wenceslas and the punch line is "deep pan, crisp and even".

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By *ayjay40Man
over a year ago

Bristol

Bill said to ben "flobba flobba flobba"

Ben said to bill "how many times do I have to tell you...swallow it"

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By *ayjay40Man
over a year ago

Bristol

Interaction joke so do as I say

What's this ? (Stick your tongue out)

A lesbian with a hardon

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By *ayjay40Man
over a year ago

Bristol

What do you call a gay dinosaur ?

A megasorearse

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur ?

A lickalotofpuss

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By *ayjay40Man
over a year ago

Bristol

I once heard that a virgin lesbian got turned down after requesting to open her first pub...why ?

She didn't have her licker licence

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was walking down a country lane one day, when a farmer on a tractor rumbled into view. As he drew level with me he stopped and shouted. The end is night, laughed like a maniac and rumbled on. Oh no I thought. Its Farmageddon

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bloody phone nigh not night. Ah well it's not the end of the world I suppose

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By *onverse1Man
over a year ago

Chadwell Heath

Let's all stay up drinking until midnight tonight and see the new tier in.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nicole Sturgeon closes the border with England.

She says it could be reviewed in 200 years

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've done what Boris asked... I've already opened all my windows ............

on my advent calendar

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

12 nobbled jurors.

11 hairy legs .

10 lords are masons.

9 ladies minging.

8 maids a metering.

7 swans a kettling.

6 geese a goosing .

5 golden handshakes.

4 calling centres.

3 French letters.

2 turtles ninjaring.

and a partridge in a tier 3

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By *estcum2020Man
over a year ago

Workington

"Let's all stay up drinking until midnight tonight and see the new tier in."

Like it

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By *tagman6930Man
over a year ago

SW London

I splash a little German wine in my cooking on an add hock basis

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By *eepeter777 OP Man
over a year ago

Bournemouth

A librarian emailed a radio station for a SHOUT OUT on the radio to announce she was retiring after 40 years

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By *speedoMan
over a year ago

eastbourne

What’s the difference between snowmen and snow women?

Snowballs

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By *atrickfitzgeraldMan
over a year ago

Paignton

boris said we are only allowed in groups of six at Christmas and the dwarves are not gonna be happy without him

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've just seen Dominic Cummings in a record shop buying a record..

I was "Driving home for Christmas" - Chris Rea

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By *ello 1000Man
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

I was hoping to go to see Snow White and the 7 dwarfs pantomime this year , but if the rule of 6 still applies one of the dwarves isn't going to be Happy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Research does show that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the incident in Lapland when Mrs Claus sat on an elf by accident. He got a nasty crack on the head

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Y has spook got his head down the toilet ....

Looking for the captains log ....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tesco's to restrict lettuce sales...it's just the tip of the iceberg.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Apparently the actor who played Captain Kirk was quite the stud in his day, and they had a whole line of his own branded underwear planned.

The idea fell through and was not a success, as Shatner Panties was not a great product name.

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By *tagman6930Man
over a year ago

SW London

"Tesco's to restrict lettuce sales...it's just the tip of the iceberg."

Romaine calm, Cos there's enough to go Round.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A bloke on the opposite side of a lake shouted across to me

"How do I get to the other side"?

I shouted back " your on the other side"

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By *BZ 7519Man
over a year ago

Renfrewshire,Glasgow , Edinburgh (when visiting)

A Barman whips out his cock and says I need a hand with this cracker

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A Barman whips out his cock and says I need a hand with this cracker"

Where's the joke?

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By *arly riser1000Man
over a year ago

nelson

the seven dwarfs in a bath, all feeling grumpy. Grumpy got out so they all felt happy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For Christmas I got a "I love nudism' T-Shirt..

I haven't worn it yet

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Police called to local Waitrose this morning. All Christmas cakes reported as stollen.

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By *ralseekMan
over a year ago

Epping

Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?

....to get to the bottom

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By *ucy101TV/TS
over a year ago

sussex

Do you her about the dyslexic pimp, .. he opened up a warehouse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whiteboards-are remarkable

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By *opmaster62Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

I once worked at the zoo circumcising elephants. The wages were crap but the tips were huge

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By *ountainMan
over a year ago

ipswich

"Do you her about the dyslexic pimp, .. he opened up a warehouse "

Or the dyslexic who celebrated ymas.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Do you her about the dyslexic pimp, .. he opened up a warehouse

Or the dyslexic who celebrated ymas."

You've been pulling crackers again, haven't you!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy goes into a bar

Yes sir says the barman what can I get you.

Could I have 12 shots of whiskey lined up on the bar

The barman sets them up and he downs them one after the other.

Are we celebrating something sir the barman asks

Yes my first blow job

In that case let me get you another on the house

No thanks says the guy. If 12 won't take the taste away, one more won't make any difference

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By *ountainMan
over a year ago

ipswich

"Do you her about the dyslexic pimp, .. he opened up a warehouse

Or the dyslexic who celebrated ymas.

You've been pulling crackers again, haven't you!

I wish .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just been reading a book on Stockholm syndrome...

In the end I really liked it

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By *ountainMan
over a year ago

ipswich

"Just been reading a book on Stockholm syndrome...

In the end I really liked it

I really like it in the end.

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By *aneKayeTV9TV/TS
over a year ago

Edinburgh

I went into a pet shop

"can I help you sir?"

"yes please, I'd like to buy a wasp"

"sorry sir, we don't sell wasps"

"well, you've got one in the window"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Many schools have been closed weeks if not months...

Some people never learn.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Today- Diane Abbott opened the thirteenth window of her advent calendar

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By *ountainMan
over a year ago

ipswich

"Today- Diane Abbott opened the thirteenth window of her advent calendar

I don't get it...or the joke .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Today- Diane Abbott opened the thirteenth window of her advent calendar

I don't get it...or the joke ."

She's notorious for getting her numbers wrong (canny coont

)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife asked me if I’d seen the cat bowl?

I said, I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know it could play cricket!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't call in Morrisons for Oxo cubes.. they're out of stock

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do we want..

" hearing aids".

when do we want 'em..

" hearing aids"

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By *ameyCoolMan
over a year ago

West Byfleet. Woking,

"My wife asked me if I’d seen the cat bowl?

I said, I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know it could play cricket!"

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By *oose1Man
over a year ago

doncaster

Velcro is a rip off

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

Told my Doctor I had broken my leg in 2 places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My wife asked me if I’d seen the cat bowl?

I said, I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know it could play cricket!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If anyone can mend door hinges- my door is always open.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Does anyone know if Chris Rea got home ok in time for Christmas ?

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By *ountainMan
over a year ago

ipswich

I went to an acupuncturist for treatment yesterday

When i got home my voodoo doll was dead.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Does anyone know if Chris Rea got home ok in time for Christmas ?"

He didn't. He was stopped trying to travel between tiers.

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By *azzamrMan
over a year ago

Gallowhill near Paisley

Why are a womans arse and pussy so close together? So you can carry them home like a six pack

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By *BZ 7519Man
over a year ago

Renfrewshire,Glasgow , Edinburgh (when visiting)

I asked this barmaid " what would turn you on the most and would be completely satisfied that you'd want more and more

She replies" well I want something long about 10" or more very hard with a rubber on the end of it "

I obligated her and gave her my pencil

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By *ountainMan
over a year ago

ipswich

The local coffee shop keeps open very latte.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s Grey and comes in pints ?

An Elephant

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By *fpdMan
over a year ago

Brentford

[Removed by poster at 30/12/20 03:50:16]

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By *ealoverMan
over a year ago

Ipswich

What's brown an sticky?

A stick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woodpecker just called me paranoid in Morse code

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why aren't After 8's called '9's?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you weren't meant to snack at night,why is there a light in the fridge

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By *ountainMan
over a year ago

ipswich

Telling jokes is a funny sort of business.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to my optician.

He told me to look in the machine, and tell him what I could see.

I said "Lots of closed pubs & restaurants, and people queuing at shops, wearing masks".

He said "Your eyes are fine, you have 2020 vision"...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what's white wears check trousers and goes on adventures? Rupert The Fridge

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what's red and white and drives fast ? Rupert The Fridge in a Ferrari..

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By *ountainMan
over a year ago

ipswich

"what's red and white and drives fast ? Rupert The Fridge in a Ferrari.."

What happened to his trousers ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I might stay up late this New year's Eve...

not to see the new year in....

but to make absolutely sure the old one leaves

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By *azzamrMan
over a year ago

Gallowhill near Paisley

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do women have long hair?

If the cavemen dragged them by the feet they'd fill up with dirt

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By *ilbo bagginsMan
over a year ago

St Helens

Never in a million years did I ever think I would go into a bank wearing a mask and ask for money

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By *BZ 7519Man
over a year ago

Renfrewshire,Glasgow , Edinburgh (when visiting)

A father had an awkward moment when his son asked him about sex ' what is it you'd like to know son the father asks ,the son responds with where do babies come from '

The father says ' oh a stork delivers them son why '

The son responds with " who fucks the stork then father'

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By *ameeyMan
over a year ago

Clifton

What do you get the man who has everything for Xmas? Antibiotics. Sorry I think I might have told this one before in a similar thread

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dr Dr I keep thinking that I'm a Moth.

You dont need a GP. You need a psychiatrist

Yes I know but I saw your light was on.

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By *ewBrumBiMan
over a year ago

Birmingham B15

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?

Eddie Irvine

Stirling Moss

Lewis Hamilton

.....Ayr Town Centre

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By *ick184Man
over a year ago

Northampton

Farting in a lift . So wrong on every level.

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By *indy SometimesTV/TS
over a year ago

BoxHill

"Does anyone know if Chris Rea got home ok in time for Christmas ?

He didn't. He was stopped trying to travel between tiers."

That’s Kenny Logan’s fault, him and his ‘What’s Another Tier?’

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By *BZ 7519Man
over a year ago

Renfrewshire,Glasgow , Edinburgh (when visiting)

Old victor is in the pub downing drams like no tommorow suddenly perks up when dolly the barmaid walks in dressed in a tight fitting dress showing off her fabulous body spots victor ogling her so she walks up to him and says " you like what you see"

Victor says "yes"

Dolly says" well for £100 I'll act out your ultimate fantasy but you have to say it in 3 words are you up for it

Victor says" Absolutely "

Dolly says " when "

Victor says" Now "

So he proceeds to empty his wallet in the palm of her hand

She says " what will I do for you"

He replies' PAINT MY HOUSE "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"You hear about the dwarf who ran under a woman's skirt? He was punished for it. Got a clit round the earhole..."

Or a twat in the face?

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By *azzamrMan
over a year ago

Gallowhill near Paisley

Why don't you have sex with a retarded dwarf?

It's not big and it's not clever.

Fat birds are like mopeds, they are good for a ride but you don't want your mates catching you on one.

Why are women like bowling balls?

You pick them up, finger them then throw them in the gutter.

Why is a women like a KFC?

After you get past the the juicy breast and tender thigh all you've got left is a greasy box to pit your bone in.

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By *BZ 7519Man
over a year ago

Renfrewshire,Glasgow , Edinburgh (when visiting)

Daughter says to her mother why do you call uncle john "Nescaffe"

The mother replies they both come in an instant

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My girlfriend said. If you are so bored why don't you make a bird table. So I did. She was so pissed off when I placed her 5th

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By *ranford cruiserTV/TS
over a year ago

Heathrow

"Today- Diane Abbott opened the thirteenth window of her advent calendar

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I haven't spoken to my wife in 25 years.....

I don't like to interrupt

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've got a new way to burn 2000 calories....

Don't turn the oven off

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The adjective for metal is metallic...not so iron... which is ironic

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By *ountainMan
over a year ago

ipswich

The referee has got involved..its all gonna kick off now.

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By *ameyCoolMan
over a year ago

West Byfleet. Woking,

"Old victor is in the pub downing drams like no tommorow suddenly perks up when dolly the barmaid walks in dressed in a tight fitting dress showing off her fabulous body spots victor ogling her so she walks up to him and says " you like what you see"

Victor says "yes"

Dolly says" well for £100 I'll act out your ultimate fantasy but you have to say it in 3 words are you up for it

Victor says" Absolutely "

Dolly says " when "

Victor says" Now "

So he proceeds to empty his wallet in the palm of her hand

She says " what will I do for you"

He replies' PAINT MY HOUSE ""

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm in a band called "The Blankets".

We do covers...

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By *BZ 7519Man
over a year ago

Renfrewshire,Glasgow , Edinburgh (when visiting)

The latest joke seems to be this site to be honest " Fabguys" how many are actually genuine ? How many are just pic collectors? How many just hide black sillohettes dishing out friend requests without even messaging the persons concerned ? Why do the so called mods on here can't accept free speech as with the powers that be that keep removing posts and threads ?

How many are stoodges with their own agenda ie : mumsnet, Sydney university? The Press?

The perv just looking for a quick fix ? No doubt fireworks begin shortly

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By *ountainMan
over a year ago

ipswich

"The latest joke seems to be this site to be honest " Fabguys" how many are actually genuine ? How many are just pic collectors? How many just hide black sillohettes dishing out friend requests without even messaging the persons concerned ? Why do the so called mods on here can't accept free speech as with the powers that be that keep removing posts and threads ?

How many are stoodges with their own agenda ie : mumsnet, Sydney university? The Press?

The perv just looking for a quick fix ? No doubt fireworks begin shortly

Oooh, aahhh. Weeee. Lovely fireworks.

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By *ilbo bagginsMan
over a year ago

St Helens

[Removed by poster at 04/01/21 22:47:53]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many are stoodges with their own agenda ie : mumsnet, Sydney university? The Press?

The perv just looking for a quick fix ? No doubt fireworks begin shortly

Oooh, aahhh. Weeee. Lovely fireworks.

x"
..

I can't believe people were letting fireworks off in October..one scared my dog and knocked the Christmas tree over.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Gnab. . ..

That's bang out of order

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I told my landlord the bed was full of bedbugs.

He said " just pull your bed away from the wall"

I said "I did,but they pulled it back" !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many are stoodges with their own agenda ie : mumsnet, Sydney university? The Press?

The perv just looking for a quick fix ? No doubt fireworks begin shortly

Feel better?

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By *ountainMan
over a year ago

ipswich

Two leaves on a tree..one blew off.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two pubes on a toilet bowl.

“How long you staying?” Asks one

The other replies “Only till I’m pissed off”

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By *ello 1000Man
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

Just seen a poll on the most common boys names . Apparently Lance is not high on the list . yet in medieval times they used Lance alot

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By *ameyCoolMan
over a year ago

West Byfleet. Woking,

"Two pubes on a toilet bowl.

“How long you staying?” Asks one

The other replies “Only till I’m pissed off”"

lmao

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By *ountainMan
over a year ago

ipswich

Knock knock

Who's there

Ash

Ash who

Bless you.

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By *ello 1000Man
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

[Removed by poster at 15/01/21 09:17:09]

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By *ello 1000Man
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

There was a fire at the model village . Smoke could be seen 3 feet away

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By *RANK2647Man
over a year ago

Blackpool

The most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style...

The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

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By *rucewayne1stMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

Sally went to HR to report Kevin for sexual harassment

"Every day I come into work, he comes up to me and says' Morning Sally, your hair smells great'

The HR woman looks confused, "that's actually a compliment" she says.

"Yeah." Says Sally "But he's a Dwarf".

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By *ameyCoolMan
over a year ago

West Byfleet. Woking,

"Sally went to HR to report Kevin for sexual harassment

"Every day I come into work, he comes up to me and says' Morning Sally, your hair smells great'

The HR woman looks confused, "that's actually a compliment" she says.

"Yeah." Says Sally "But he's a Dwarf".

lmao

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By *rucewayne1stMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

Three d*unk guys enter a taxi, the driver could tell they were d*unk, so he started his engine & turned it off again.

"We've reached your destination " he said.

1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy thanked him, 3rd guy slapped the driver, shocked the taxi driver thought that the 3rd d*unk knew what he had did, but he asked

" what was that for?"

The 3rd guy said

" Control your speed next time you nearly killed us".

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By *rucewayne1stMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

After being married for 30 years a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly then said

"You're A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,..I,J,K."

She said "What does that mean?".

His reply was "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant,Fancy,Gorgeous,Honey"

She smiled happily and said.

"Oh that's so lovely, what about I,J,K?".

He said "I'm just kidding".

His eyes still swollen, doctors say they don't think it's permanent damage.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy goes in to a bar

Can I have 12 shots of whisky lined up on the bar please barman. The barman obliges and lines them up. The guy starts on the left and Downs each one in turn until they are all empty

Are we celebrating something sir asks the barman?

Yes says the guy, my first blow job.

In that case sir please accept another drink on the house

Nah you're OK says the guy. If 12 won't take the taste away another one won't make much difference

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was out on my bike this afternoon and knocked a pair of siamese twins over. They were beside themselves with anger.

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By *ete5050Man
over a year ago

near Ipswich

[Removed by poster at 29/11/21 00:31:21]

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By *ony JMan
over a year ago

Kells

I once got a dog from a blacksmith, as soon as we got home, he made a bold for the door.

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By *ete5050Man
over a year ago

near Ipswich

Why hasn’t father Xmas got any children?

Only cums once a year and that’s down the chimney

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I once got a dog from a blacksmith, as soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door. "

Hehe

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By *rucewayne1stMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

Rob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was so mad.she told him ..

" Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box ...gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

She rushed down stairs straight outside to open it, and I side was a brand new pair of bathroom scales.

Rob has been missing since Friday.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bought my daughter a fridge for Christmas, can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it

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By *rTongueTasticMan
over a year ago

Close_To_Chichester

"Rob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was so mad.she told him ..

" Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box ...gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

She rushed down stairs straight outside to open it, and I side was a brand new pair of bathroom scales.

Rob has been missing since Friday."

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By *ountainMan
over a year ago

ipswich

A man walks into a bar...it was a chocolate bar.

Not sure that works as a joke.

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By *rucewayne1stMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

A BOOB, A VAGINA and a ASSHOLE

are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them

Boob-

I give milk to new born babies & I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.

Vagina -

That's nothing.

I give birth to babies, and I can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I'm the greatest.

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to speak.

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By *rucewayne1stMan
over a year ago

Nottingham

I think the wife is selling drugs ...

Just had some bloke on the phone saying

Is the dope still there ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ran out of toilet paper.

Out of desperation I started using newspaper.

The Times are rough.

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By *tagman6930Man
over a year ago

SW London

What is another phrase for cumming inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher...

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By *limboy68Man
over a year ago

St Albans

Stop Press! Latest Slimming Diet.

- HOW TO GET RID IF 200LBS OF UGLY FAT!

Divorce the wife....

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By *oxtrot1471Man
over a year ago

oxford

f all brides are beautiful where do ugly wives come from?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My partner suggested I take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went out, had a few drinks. Cool guy.

Wants to be a web designer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop.

He’s not perfect.

But he knows the drill.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In the beginning I was very hesitant about becoming a comedian, my biggest fear was people were going to laugh at me.

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By *ockanonamasMan
over a year ago

Manchester

What's the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas Morning?

When he gets a sweater but was hoping for screamer or a moaner

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'd tell you a joke about big umbrellas but it will go over your heads

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

I have just been chased and hit by someone throwing Omega 3 oil capsules at me.

Don't worry guys. I am ok, just super fish oil injuries.

I'll get my coat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had an online relationship with a really hot guy, it was mostly me just staring at their pics and wanking but I made a right mess of it

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By *ildwestheroMan
over a year ago

Llandrindod Wells

Tried donating blood today. Never again. Too many silly questions like

'Whose blood is it?'

'Where did you get it from?'

'Why is it in a bucket?'

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By *etterbiggerMan
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

"Do you her about the dyslexic pimp, .. he opened up a warehouse

Or the dyslexic who celebrated ymas."

Or the dyslexic Yorkshireman. He went out wearing a cat flap

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By *ountainMan
over a year ago

ipswich

A man recently threw some butter and cheese and milk over me !

How dare he !

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

I only get sick Monday to Friday.

I must have a weekend immune system

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By *ildwestheroMan
over a year ago

Llandrindod Wells

Saw an Evri driver in the road. Looked really hot and bothered since its a warm, humid day. So I asked him if he would like a bottle of cold water.

"Yes please" he said

So I went to the fridge, got out a bottle and threw it under a neighbour's holly bush.

"There you are" I said "I've put it in a safe place for you"

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By *andomguy321Man
over a year ago

reading

"A man recently threw some butter and cheese and milk over me !

How dare he !"

lol ... Could have been the same man who threw Scrabble blocks at me all starting with the letters 'T H'

I managed to dodge THis THere & THen .... but I didn't see THat coming!

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By *ildwestheroMan
over a year ago

Llandrindod Wells

Just saw a young lady I know in the supermarket. She looked positively blooming.

"are you pregnant?" I said

"not sure" she replied

"Have you had a check-up?" I asked

"No" she said with a smile "It was some Spanish bloke"

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By *ildwestheroMan
over a year ago

Llandrindod Wells

Police Officer: "When did you first realise your wife was dead?"

Distraught Husband: "Well not at first. The sex was exactly the same but then I noticed the dishes piling up in the sink"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My farmer friend bought a long tree trunk with one side flattened.

His cows use it to cross the creek.

It was the first cattle log purchase he’d ever made.

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By *ildwestheroMan
over a year ago

Llandrindod Wells

Ejaculate:-A term used by a Yorkshire mother when her son Jack comes home late for his tea.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man goes to see the doctor and says that he has a ten inch vibrator stuck up his arse, so the doctor told him to go behind the screen and drop his trousers and underpants to have a look - after a quick glance the doctor said “ oh no sorry mate, we can’t take that out without doing a major operation “ the man says “ no I don’t want it taken out, I just need you to change the batteries ! “

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By *ildwestheroMan
over a year ago

Llandrindod Wells

Customer in restaurant:- "We don't eat meat or dairy products or anything with gluten in or made from GM crops. So what do you recommend?"

Waitress:- "A taxi home Sir"

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By *ildwestheroMan
over a year ago

Llandrindod Wells

Just got the results of my blood test. Doctor said my sugar levels are too high. So went home and moved all the packs of sugar to a lower shelf.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s the difference between Arthur Scargill and Prince Andrew.Arthur Scargill hasn’t touched a miners helmet for years

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By *ames TownMan
over a year ago

Bingley

Just seen former Chess Grandmaster Garry Kasparov in a cafe , asked him to pass the salt and pepper . took him 35 minutes ,

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By *tagman6930Man
over a year ago

SW London

When Noah built the Ark for all the creature and they went in 2 by 2, where did he put the bees?

In the Ark hives of course

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By *eepeter4Man
over a year ago

Bournemouth

A friend took me to a drag racings meeting this weekend we were a bit disappointed as it was all men dressed in women's clothes and high heels running around a athletic track instead of cars

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By *dnmartinMan
over a year ago

Hounslow

What do you call a Russian with a bad cold?

Ivor Chestikov

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By *addy7x6Man
over a year ago

High Wycombe

"I don't care who you are mate - get those fucking reindeer off my roof!"

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By *ames TownMan
over a year ago

Bingley

My mate got a job making chess pieces, he's on knights this week .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Received one of “those” phone calls yesterday.

“ is that Mr. Hurrell?”

Me: “ yes, it is”

“It’s about your recent accident”

Me: “ How the hell did you know about that? I thought it was just going to be a fart”

She hung up!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You know what annoys me is when you go round to someone's house and they make you take your shoes off at the front door. 9 times out of 10 they don't even have a bouncy castle.

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By *ildwestheroMan
52 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Bread is like the Sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

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By (user no longer on site)
24 weeks ago

So I asked my mate, "What do you call someone who marries two people ?".

He said, “A bigamist ?”.

I said, “No, a vicar”.

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By *entlad365Man
24 weeks ago

Dartford

I ask the surgeon if I could use the anesthetic on myself

He said knock yourself out

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By (user no longer on site)
24 weeks ago

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion!!..

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By *harlespetMan
24 weeks ago

Haywards Heath

My friend David lost his ID. Now he’s just Dav.

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By *rownriverMan
4 weeks ago

Crawley

I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

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