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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

If M&Ms go to university, do they become smarties?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A fella I went to school with 35 years ago got in touch to complain about the time I put glue on his pen.

He still can't let it go.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Ok… let’s go!! …

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was

excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,

“I'll serve you, but don't start anything.”

L3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green

Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones

.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't -

I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One

of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named “Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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By *ovesex52TV/TS
over a year ago

nearby

Most excellent sir!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Most excellent sir!! "

Thank you

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By *orwichscotMan
over a year ago

Livingston

Thank you. They did make me laugh, and I needed that tonight x.

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By *arriBtmMan
over a year ago

Warrington

Great start to the day lol cheers

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By *hubsloverMan
over a year ago

East/west sussex


"Ok… let’s go!! …

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was

excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,

“I'll serve you, but don't start anything.”

L3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green

Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones

.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't -

I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One

of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named “Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

"

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By *andysomersetTV/TS
over a year ago

Frome

Made me chuckle, thanks

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By *rTongueTasticMan
over a year ago

Close_To_Chichester

there are some good ones in there OP..

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By *asmeen 123TV/TS
over a year ago

Stoke on trent.

Are you enjoying your self

OP?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

If I ordered an axe from overseas and had it shipped,

I would have a foreign axe sent.

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By *suckcoxMan
over a year ago

Luton

Lol. I don't know why. But they seem funnier if you read them in Frank Carson's voice.lol

Young ones won't have a clue who I mean. Lol

It's the way i tell em.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny. All 3 had big feet. Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13. Ann and Jan go on a double date. Amazed, one of the boys say, 'god u 2 have got big feet'. Ann replies, 'u think they're big, u should see our Fanny's, they're massive

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A Corkman when stopped by the Customs at Holyhead was found to be carrying two big bags of telephones. 'Could you explain what these are to be used for?' asked a Customs official. 'Certainly', said the Corkman. 'I've just got a job with the London Symphony Orchestra and they told me to bring two sacks of phones with me when I was coming to England'.

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By *orkie21Man
over a year ago

york


"Ok… let’s go!! …

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was

excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,

“I'll serve you, but don't start anything.”

L3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green

Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones

.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't -

I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One

of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named “Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

"

Brilliantly done! Made me chuckle

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By *iBobOxonMan
over a year ago

Thame/Aylesbury

‘I stand corrected’ Said the man in orthopaedic shoes.

Things were very hard when I was a child, my parents were dwarves, and there were times when they really struggled to put food on the table.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was cycling along the pavement when I knocked over a pair of Siamese twins. They were beside themselves with anger.

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By *amera man 5Man
over a year ago

Huddersfield

Two gay cowboys, first one says “yup” second one says “yep” ( Bernard Manning, remember him?)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Definition of "First World Poor" . . .

You have a £500 iPhone and a £1000 laptop so you can go online to internet banking to find out how much overdrawn you are!

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By *dmirerbelfastMan
over a year ago

belfast


"Definition of "First World Poor" . . .

You have a £500 iPhone and a £1000 laptop so you can go online to internet banking to find out how much overdrawn you are!"

Great craic! Keep em coming

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

so while on holiday in Sweden i went into a pharmacy for some deodorant. the pharmacist in his thick accent asked will that be ball or aerosol ?

No ! i said in shock it's for my armpits

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My wife thinks she may have married the wrong person.

Mind you she has got a point because I only went in the church to mend the font..

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

'Follow the written instructions and you can't get lost in the building,' said the security man to Sean Flynn freshly up from the country and looking around a major Dublin store for the first time.

Awe-struck, young Flynn made his way around the building. But, all too soon, he returned, slightly dejected, to the security man.

'Look,' said Sean, 'I've tried my best. The door marked 'Push' I pushed. The door marked 'Pull' I pulled. But when I got to the big door that said 'Lift' -I couldn't get it off the floor!'

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I'm currently reading a book called 'There's a hole in my bucket!'

By Lee King.

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By *ay12345123Man
over a year ago

Nottingham

Lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Just when I’m losing faith in society I see a little old lady smile and give up her seat for a pregnant man with a beard

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

When I was a kid, we lived on a very poor council estate.

If anyone paid their rent two weeks in succession, the Police would call to see where they got the money from.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I was driving down the road this morning when I suddenly disappeared into a portion of sour cream and chive.

I didn't see the dip in the road

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By *ames TownMan
over a year ago

Bingley

Most bald men still carry a comb - They just cant part with it . Ill get my coat .

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I've been off work all week because my pet cow is sick.

My boss thinks I'm milking it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

When i was young I got hit by a car .

The driver came over and said, "What's your name? I'll tell your mum and dad."

"What for?" I replied. "They already know what I'm called".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was in a lift with a woman with big boob's..

She said " can you press 1"?

Now I'm up in court

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A friend of mine did a degree in sound engineering.

He got a 1. 2. 1. 2.

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By *uvfeetluvcock2Man
over a year ago

Sunningdale

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ok… let’s go!! …

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was

excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,

“I'll serve you, but don't start anything.”

L3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green

Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones

.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't -

I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One

of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named “Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

"

Wahey, love it

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I saw a lady playing a large musical instrument in an Irish pub last night.

Harpist?

No, she was perfectly sober.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Genesis:

..God said ' let there be light"...

Who was he talking to?

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By *ossmanTV/TS
over a year ago

Coalville

... himself obviously!

I have my most intelligent conversations with myself..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When are the new jokes being posted on here?

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By *dibearMan
over a year ago

Edinburgh


"A Corkman when stopped by the Customs at Holyhead was found to be carrying two big bags of telephones. 'Could you explain what these are to be used for?' asked a Customs official. 'Certainly', said the Corkman. 'I've just got a job with the London Symphony Orchestra and they told me to bring two sacks of phones with me when I was coming to England'."

Did you hear about the Cork man who drowned…?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Little Johnny walks up to his dad somewhat upset and says Daddy Susie and I have been playing doctors and nurses and I have noticed that she is missing something.

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By *ogwhammerMan
over a year ago

Rainham KENT

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle?….

…Attire 😉

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

An elderly lady was bracing herself at the railing of a cruise ship, clutching her hat tightly as the wind whipped around her. A gentleman approached, his face filled with concern.

“Pardon me, madam, but I must tell you, your dress is blowing up in this strong wind,” he said politely.

“Yes, I’m aware,” she replied, her grip still firm on her hat. “I need both hands to hold on to it.”

“But, madam,” the gentleman continued, a hint of urgency in his voice, “you’re not wearing anything under your dress, and your privates are exposed!”

The lady glanced down and then back up at him with a twinkle in her eye. “Sir,” she said with a smile, “anything you see down there is 90 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

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By *eepeter4Man
over a year ago

Bournemouth


"An elderly lady was bracing herself at the railing of a cruise ship, clutching her hat tightly as the wind whipped around her. A gentleman approached, his face filled with concern.

“Pardon me, madam, but I must tell you, your dress is blowing up in this strong wind,” he said politely.

“Yes, I’m aware,” she replied, her grip still firm on her hat. “I need both hands to hold on to it.”

“But, madam,” the gentleman continued, a hint of urgency in his voice, “you’re not wearing anything under your dress, and your privates are exposed!”

The lady glanced down and then back up at him with a twinkle in her eye. “Sir,” she said with a smile, “anything you see down there is 90 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
I have heard a similar joke like that before but the lady was on the seafront at Blackpool

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Old fella in a nursing home asks his nurse "How many times does 92 go into 24?" She says "I don't know ".

He says "Meet me tonight & we will find out"

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By *hubsloverMan
48 weeks ago

East/west sussex


"3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny. All 3 had big feet. Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13. Ann and Jan go on a double date. Amazed, one of the boys say, 'god u 2 have got big feet'. Ann replies, 'u think they're big, u should see our Fanny's, they're massive"

Ha ha ha that’s brilliant

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By *hubsloverMan
47 weeks ago

East/west sussex

Why can’t you let a politician on a plane?

Because he’ll keep trying to destroy the other wing.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
47 weeks ago

Ok, not happy.

Just been into TESCO’s and it was nuts, yet again they had no toilet paper at all.

Reluctantly i headed to the checkout and ask if they had any more and they said firmly “NO” almost to the point of being rude !!!!

Walking back to the toilet with my trousers and pants around my ankles was a walk i never want to have to do again.

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By (user no longer on site)
47 weeks ago

What do we want

"Hearing aids".

When do we want 'em

"Hearing aids"

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By *hubsloverMan
47 weeks ago

East/west sussex

Women’s Dictionary

1: yes = no

2: no =yes

3: We need to talk to each other = take a seat and just listen

4: Do whatever you like = try to Do something but you know you’ll get fked after

5: how much do you love me? = I have done something wrong wanna tell you

6: getting ready in 2 minutes = enjoy your two hours break

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By (user no longer on site)
47 weeks ago


"Women’s Dictionary

1: yes = no

2: no =yes

3: We need to talk to each other = take a seat and just listen

4: Do whatever you like = try to Do something but you know you’ll get fked after

5: how much do you love me? = I have done something wrong wanna tell you

6: getting ready in 2 minutes = enjoy your two hours break "

You forgot ‘fine’ which means everything is anything but fine, but I’m not going to tell you what’s pissed me off most, and if you can’t work it out you’re deep in the shit.

You also forgot that when you ask what’s wrong and get the answer ‘nothing’ usually accompanied by furious cleaning and dusting. It means pretty much the same as ‘fine’ 🤷

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
47 weeks ago

I saw a fit looking Girl busking earlier today.

She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short leather skirt she was wearing.

"Any Requests"..??? She asked the watching crowd.

"Your Thong," I replied with a Wink.

Everyone in the crowd gasped in Horror, and the girl slapped me hard across the face.

It's tough being an Elton John fan with a Lisp.

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By *hubsloverMan
47 weeks ago

East/west sussex


"Women’s Dictionary

1: yes = no

2: no =yes

3: We need to talk to each other = take a seat and just listen

4: Do whatever you like = try to Do something but you know you’ll get fked after

5: how much do you love me? = I have done something wrong wanna tell you

6: getting ready in 2 minutes = enjoy your two hours break

You forgot ‘fine’ which means everything is anything but fine, but I’m not going to tell you what’s pissed me off most, and if you can’t work it out you’re deep in the shit.

You also forgot that when you ask what’s wrong and get the answer ‘nothing’ usually accompanied by furious cleaning and dusting. It means pretty much the same as ‘fine’ 🤷"

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
47 weeks ago

Son: Dad, did you take me on holiday when I was young?

Me: You went with me but came back with your mum

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By *hubsloverMan
47 weeks ago

East/west sussex

The guy asks his friend

If a leopard follows you what you gonna do?

He replies: I climb a tree

Then he asks: if he climbs on the tree too then what?

He replies : I carry on with climbing to get the highest branch with one hand and wrap the other arm around the trunk

Again he asks : if the leopards climbs up there too then what ?

He replies : he might leave me alone if you stfu

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
47 weeks ago

A mother-in-law called round to her daughter's house one day to find her son-in-law furiously packing his suitcase.

He was very angry and his mother-in-law said to him,

"What's the matter Eric, why are you furiously packing your suitcase like that?"

Eric said,

"Why am I angry? Why am I packing my suitcase? ,

The reason is, I emailed your daughter, my WIFE Evelyn, to tell her that I will be coming home a day earlier from my fishing trip only to find her upstairs, naked in our marital bed with our neighbour, Roy McGauley."

Mother-in-law,

"Don't be too hasty, there is probably a good reason, I will go and ask her and find out what it is."

Ten minutes later the Mother-in-law is back downstairs.

"I told you that there is probably a good reason. "

Eric,

"Well, what is it?"

Mother-in-law,

"She never got your email. "

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By *ickSeekerMan
47 weeks ago

Canterbury

Acclaimed Yiddish musician, composer and lyricist Abraham Salomon takes a toilet break in the middle of a recital. Coming back on to the stage, an overexcited fan frantically asks him:

'Hey Abe, do you know your schlong is peeping out of your flies?'

Abe: 'Ma'am, do I know it!? I wrote it!'

🎼🎹

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By *iBobOxonMan
47 weeks ago

Thame/Aylesbury


"3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny. All 3 had big feet. Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13. Ann and Jan go on a double date. Amazed, one of the boys say, 'god u 2 have got big feet'. Ann replies, 'u think they're big, u should see our Fanny's, they're massive

Ha ha ha that’s brilliant "

An oldie but goodie, always makes me chuckle

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By *iBobOxonMan
47 weeks ago

Thame/Aylesbury

I had a very difficult childhood, both of my parents were dwarves and they really struggled to put food on the table.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
47 weeks ago

I put a rude picture in between the pages of a brochure for Paris, whoever picks it up will get more than an Eiffel.

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By *ade60Man
47 weeks ago

Workington

Thanks for these; i like a laff first thing in the morning (usually, i just look down at my penis; I can't really call it a 'cock.' lol)

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By *ootsockMan
47 weeks ago

Earl's Court, London


"3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny. All 3 had big feet. Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13. Ann and Jan go on a double date. Amazed, one of the boys say, 'god u 2 have got big feet'. Ann replies, 'u think they're big, u should see our Fanny's, they're massive

Ha ha ha that’s brilliant

An oldie but goodie, always makes me chuckle"

Also works well with boys' names where the 3rd one is Dick or Willie.

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By *entlad365Man
41 weeks ago

Dartford

Why couldn't the Empire find the Rebel Base in Star Wars?

They were looking in Alderaan places

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By (user no longer on site)
40 weeks ago

When God said " let there be light"...

Who was he talking to ?

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By *ichey6Man
40 weeks ago

aberdeen

The head of entertainment at the BBC?

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By (user no longer on site)
40 weeks ago

"Doctor I think I'm a moth"...

" You don't need me,you need a psychiatrist "...

I know but I was passing and saw your light on

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By *allaseyguyMan
40 weeks ago

Northampton

Excellent

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
40 weeks ago

THOUGHT OF THE DAY!

I was eating my Chinese tonight and it made me think! There's thousand of Chinese restaurants and takeaways all over this country which means there are loads of Chinese people! But how many Chinese funerals have you seen? I've never seen one! So what are they doing with them? Then looking at my sweet and sour chicken balls.....I'm thinking chicken don't have balls that f*cking big

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By (user no longer on site)
40 weeks ago

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll?

Because Ken came in a different box.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
40 weeks ago

This morning I woke up in a clown costume.

I must have slept funny.

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By *elenaCDTV/TS
40 weeks ago

In the sticks Somerset

Been trans since conception, spent the first nine months as a man trapped in a woman's body!

Crossdresser friend went for a job with Apple, Turned her down said sha was non-binary.

She decided to adopt a baby instead, haven't seen her for a while ever since she's become a transparent!

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By *ichey6Man
40 weeks ago

aberdeen

Nigel Farage walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of bitter...

Only for the barman to pour it over his head....

'Why did you do that' asks Nigel...

'You never asked how you wanted it' replies the barman.

'But I wanted it in a glass' croaks Nigel.

'You ain't getting it, that's democracy' says the barman....

😭

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By (user no longer on site)
40 weeks ago

Why do Americans take a gun fishing?

In case they come across a school.

A Priest and a Rabbi run out of a burning building

Priest: What about the children?!

Rabbi: F*ck the children!!

Priest: Do you think we have time?

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By (user no longer on site)
40 weeks ago

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you imbecile. Somebody took our tent."

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By *etterbiggerMan
40 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

Every hand you shake has had a dick in it.

More of a thought for the day. Funny though. I bet in formal situations now when someone wants to shake your hand you can't get the mental picture out of your head

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By (user no longer on site)
35 weeks ago

Did you hear about the country that started a war with Ukraine. They have zero Ruble but plenty of Rubble

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By (user no longer on site)
35 weeks ago


"Ok… let’s go!! …

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was

excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,

“I'll serve you, but don't start anything.”

L3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green

Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones

.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't -

I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One

of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named “Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

"

That was awesome! You are a genius

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By *hubsloverMan
35 weeks ago

East/west sussex


"Ok… let’s go!! …

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was

excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,

“I'll serve you, but don't start anything.”

L3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green

Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones

.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't -

I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One

of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named “Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

That was awesome! You are a genius "

I totally agree

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
35 weeks ago

I went to my local chippy last night and asked for fish and chips.

The lady said: "The fish won't be long".

I replied: "It better be fat then".

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By (user no longer on site)
35 weeks ago

What’s the definition of ecstasy?

50 nuns doing press ups in a cucumber field

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
35 weeks ago

Chopsticks are the main reason the Chinese didn't invent custard.

🥢😗🍮🙂🥢

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By *evanianMan
35 weeks ago

Flintshire

I had a close shave earlier, I was out on my mountain bike and a Mr Kipling's van almost hit me, but fortunately he had exceedingly good brakes!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
35 weeks ago

Someone said to me that they'd like to play a tune on my horn. Could this just be a euphemism?

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By *ootsockMan
33 weeks ago

Earl's Court, London

Q: What are you doing in that wardrobe?

A: Narnia business!

(from a cartoon)

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
33 weeks ago

I won’t say my mother-in-law’s varicose veins are too severe, but she won first prize at a fancy dress party wearing shorts, claiming to be a road map.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
33 weeks ago

When I was at school I asked the teacher, "If frozen water is called, 'iced water,' what do you call frozen ink?"

The teacher looked bemused and replied, "Iced ink"

That's when I quipped, "I thought I could smell your body odour, Sir"

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By (user no longer on site)
33 weeks ago

What’s the difference between a Paediatric oncology hospital and a military stronghold?

I’m not sure either I’m just flying the drones.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
33 weeks ago

Someone just asked me when the clocks go forward?

I said, All the time!

🤷‍♂️

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By *rownriverMan
1 week ago

Crawley

I employed two parrots to help in the kitchen shredding vegetables and cheeses. They disappeared after six months.....

I miss migrating birds

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By *hubsloverMan
1 week ago

East/west sussex


"I employed two parrots to help in the kitchen shredding vegetables and cheeses. They disappeared after six months.....

I miss migrating birds"

Brexit’s fault

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By *rownriverMan
1 week ago

Crawley

Poor chap in the bed opposite me. Keeps telling the nurses he’s hungry. The sign says his name is Neil Bymouth.

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By *imonxxx200TV/TS
1 week ago

Thirsk

A ant moved into a flat he invited 9 of his mates to stay now they are tenants

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By *rownriverMan
1 week ago

Crawley

There is a nudist convention on in town this weekend.

I might go, if I have nothing on...

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By *airyandbelliedbottomMan
1 week ago

Barrow-in-Furness


"There is a nudist convention on in town this weekend.

I might go, if I have nothing on..."

Good one aha

Read this tother day

A man goes to the doctors

"What's wrong with me, doc?"

"It seems you have insomnia"

"Should I be worried?"

Doc says "I wouldn't lose any sleep over it."

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By *rownriverMan
1 week ago

Crawley

Bought a can of fly spray from the supermarket this morning.

Sprayed it all over myself

I still can’t fly.

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By *airyandbelliedbottomMan
5 days ago

Barrow-in-Furness

Mother Nature.. she's a windy bitch ain't she.

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By *irtyfacesMan
5 days ago

near

Seen the price of velcro? what a rip off

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By *rownriverMan
5 days ago

Crawley

With all this wind I'm worried about the caravan in our garden!

We didn't have one yesterday.

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By *athCDTV/TS
5 days ago

Morpeth

A Russian went to order a new car, the salesman said it would arrive on 4 October 2035. The buyer said Fine, morning or afternoon delivery? The salesman said, Its 10 years from now, what difference does morning or afternoon delivery make?The buyersaid The plumber's coming in the morning

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By *rownriverMan
4 days ago

Crawley

What do you get if you cross a tree and a dog?

Lots of Bark!

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By *eepeter4Man
4 days ago

Bournemouth

A Man from Whitehall London as just been admitted to hospital with a packet of rich tea biscuits stuck up is arsehole Police are looking for a women in her 70s from Oldham in connection with the incdent.

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By *hubsloverMan
4 days ago

East/west sussex

The only place where women completely listen to their husbands is when their husbands are in the room talking on the phone.

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By *rownriverMan
4 days ago

Crawley

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

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By *hubsloverMan
4 days ago

East/west sussex

Never judge someone by their appearance. For instance, does a potato look like it could be this delicious?

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By *hubsloverMan
4 days ago

East/west sussex

Do you know why there are holes in the salt shaker? It's so the salt doesn't get suffocated.

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By *hubsloverMan
4 days ago

East/west sussex

Do you know why penguins can't read? Because it always snows in Antarctica, so schools are closed.

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By *hubsloverMan
4 days ago

East/west sussex

Do you know why carrots are orange? Because orange suits them!

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By *hubsloverMan
4 days ago

East/west sussex

Do you know why the cucumber is green? Because orange doesn't suit it.

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By *rownriverMan
4 days ago

Crawley

What do you get if you cross a tree and a dog?

Lots of Bark!

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By *hubsloverMan
4 days ago

East/west sussex

The biggest risk that parents can take when their daughter is born is to give her the name ‘Pretty’ .

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By *rownriverMan
4 days ago

Crawley

I recently visited various friends and noticed many of the older ones owned pill cutters. I got to wondering if the members of a particular American rock band, who are now in their late 50s, might think of themselves as the Red Hot Pilly Choppers?

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By *ildwestheroMan
3 days ago

Llandrindod Wells

Applied for a visa for the USA

US Official 'Where are you going?'

Me 'San Jose'

US Official 'It's San Hosay. We pronounce the J as an H. When do you want to go

Me 'Hanuary to Hune or Huly'

Visa rejected

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By *rownriverMan
3 days ago

Crawley

I was in the pub and a guy said, "your round"

I said "your no oil painting yourself....

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By *airyandbelliedbottomMan
3 days ago

Barrow-in-Furness


"I was in the pub and a guy said, "your round"

I said "your no oil painting yourself.... "

I said "I'm out of shape" a lass replied "round is a shape"

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By *rueguyMan
3 days ago

notts

An American soldier left a pair of shoes in a British cobblers shop during the war

Come 2020 when he was visiting the U.K he remembered the shop and went there.

He asked the old cobbler about the shoes he left in 1945.

The cobbler said "Were they brown brogues needing new soles?"

Yes, said the American, excitedly.

" Yes" the cobbler said, they'll be ready on Tuesday"

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By *entlad365Man
3 days ago

Dartford

Why should you not buy Russian underwear?

Chernobyl fall off.

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By *addy DaddycoolMan
3 days ago

Darlington

I went for a check up at the Doctors , he told me I had to stop masterbating, I asked why.

He replied " because I'm trying to examine you

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By *rownriverMan
3 days ago

Crawley

I see there has been a yellow rain warning issued. Looking forward to this as I've never seen yellow rain.

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By *eather_uktvTV/TS
3 days ago

Manchester


"Lol. I don't know why. But they seem funnier if you read them in Frank Carson's voice.lol

Young ones won't have a clue who I mean. Lol

It's the way i tell em.

"

That's because, "it's the way oi tell em"

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By *rownriverMan
3 days ago

Crawley

My daughter is going out with a boy made of liquorice. I'm not too happy but I suppose it takes all sorts.

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By *evanianMan
3 days ago

Flintshire

Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar? Well.. demerara!

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By *rownriverMan
3 days ago

Crawley

So I've been looking online for a new dishwasher.I sorted the results into cheapest prices first and was presented with a sponge!

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By *hubsloverMan
3 days ago

East/west sussex

Woman: Honey, do you love me?

Man: A lot.

Woman: Prove it to me?

Man: How?

Woman: Go fight a lion.

Man: Honey, if I fight a lion, it'll tear me apart and eat me.. Say something else.

Woman: Give me your phone password.

Man: Where is this fucking lion? 😡😡

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By *rownriverMan
3 days ago

Crawley

My mate set me upon a blind date, he said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She’s expecting a baby".

I felt a right idiot turning up at the pub in a diaper

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By *eather_uktvTV/TS
3 days ago

Manchester

A young boy asks his father:

Dad, why is my sister called Teresa ?

Father: Well son, your mother absolutely loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter.

The boy thinks about it for a moment and then says, ah, I see. Thanks dad.

Father says, you're welcome, Alan.

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By *rownriverMan
3 days ago

Crawley

The barmaid in my local pub has just had her nipple pierced...

I'm absolutely rubbish at darts!

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By *hubsloverMan
3 days ago

East/west sussex

Every time I come back home, my dad asks where I was. I always tell him I was out. After that, he doesn't ask anything else. He just wants to make sure I wasn't at home!

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By *rownriverMan
3 days ago

Crawley

If you drive a Vic's Vapour Rub delivery lorry into the centre of London ...

do you still have to pay the Congestion Charge?

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By *ildwestheroMan
3 days ago

Llandrindod Wells


"A young boy asks his father:

Dad, why is my sister called Teresa ?

Father: Well son, your mother absolutely loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter.

The boy thinks about it for a moment and then says, ah, I see. Thanks dad.

Father says, you're welcome, Alan."

That reminds me of:

Teacher: 'What's the most important letter in the alphabet?'

Boy: 'G'

Teacher: 'Why do you say that Angus?'

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By *iBobOxonMan
3 days ago

Thame/Aylesbury


"3 sisters - Ann, Jan and Fanny. All 3 had big feet. Ann was a size 9, Jan was a size 10 and Fanny was a size 13. Ann and Jan go on a double date. Amazed, one of the boys say, 'god u 2 have got big feet'. Ann replies, 'u think they're big, u should see our Fanny's, they're massive"

This is a brilliant old joke from back in the day, thanks for reminding me of it

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By *eather_uktvTV/TS
2 days ago

Manchester

I suppose its a natural progression really.

Years ago we had an empire, run by an emperor.

Then we had a kingdom, run by a king.

Now we have a country, run by a

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By *ildwestheroMan
19 hours ago

Llandrindod Wells

Just walked past a shop with a big sign in the window saying:

"I'd rather have 100 thieves and murderers in my shop than one policeman"

The shop was:

Berry M Deep Funeral Directors

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By *ildwestheroMan
16 hours ago

Llandrindod Wells

Always read what you write before posting it. Sent a postcard to the young guy I've been shagging. Accidentally wrote 'Wish you were her' instead of 'Wish you were here'. Now he's buggered off to Thailand for a full sex-change operation and they've just sent me the bill for £20,000!

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By *eather_uktvTV/TS
15 hours ago

Manchester

Twenty grand for a full sex change. I think I'll set up a gofundme account.

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By *ollo007Man
13 hours ago

Pontefract

When life gives you melons

You might be dyslexic

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By *awnrisingukTV/TS
9 hours ago

Stevenage

[Removed by poster at 08/10/25 20:22:59]

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By *awnrisingukTV/TS
9 hours ago

Stevenage

I hadn't been to the cathedral for some time. When I went I discovered that there was a new Bishop from Indonesia, that the Archdeacon was from India, the Dean was Chinese & the Verger was from Malaysia.

I knew there'd been changes but I hadn't expected so many Altar Asians.

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