FabGuys.com forum: Bad jokes

By (user no longer on site) OP
26 weeks ago

I can’t get pregnant. I’ve got a diaphragm fitted. Breath easy

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By *evanianMan
26 weeks ago

Tegeingl, Gogledd Cymru

Oh Lord!! Is no legend sacred in this day and age?? . . . . .

It's now suggested that when the Good King Wenceslas looked out he wasn't too impressed with the Feast of Stephen, historical evidence from Domino's Pizza now alleges that he ordered a............... Deep-pan.... crisp and even! 🫣

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By *ath NaturistMan
26 weeks ago

Bath

The people of the Taliban don't like the Flintsones but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

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By *aster CaneMan
26 weeks ago

bude

Aliens now arrive in you ho.e with tinned vegetables

They come in Peas

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By *lasgow verse 60s guyMan
26 weeks ago

Glasgow

Went the pub and asked for a double entendre. The barman gave me one!

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By *etterbiggerMan
26 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

I went into a pet shop. I'd like to buy a wasp please. We don't sell wasps sir. Well you've got one in the window

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By *ibblefishMan
26 weeks ago

louthish

Ive got a travel lodge advent calendar. Its full of chocolate but you can’t open any of the windows

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By *onybluenailsMan
16 weeks ago

cheshire

I went to Mothercare this morning and asked for a maternity dress.

The assistant said “What bust?”

I said “ The condom”

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By (user no longer on site)
16 weeks ago

What did the dick say to the condom?

Cover me Johnny, I'm going in

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By *evanianMan
16 weeks ago

Tegeingl, Gogledd Cymru

A man walked into a bar with a slab of Tarmac under his arm and said - "A pint of bitter please, and one for the road"!

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By *aney_FoxxTV/TS
16 weeks ago

sunbury

How do you kill off a circus ?

Go for the Juggler

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By (user no longer on site)
16 weeks ago

What did the boy cow sing to the girl cow to romance her?

🎶I like the way you MOOO🎶

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By *onameyetMan
16 weeks ago

chorley

What’s brown and sticky

A stick

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By (user no longer on site)
16 weeks ago

Mind over matter.....What's the matter? Never mind

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By (user no longer on site)
16 weeks ago

Margaret Thatcher took the Cabinet out for dinner. The head waiter approached and asked "What can I get for you Prime Minister?" She replied " Steak, medium rare." "And what about the vegetables? he asked. "Oh just give them the same" she replied.

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By (user no longer on site)
16 weeks ago

My sister wanted an innuendo. Some gave her one

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By *anmannersMan
16 weeks ago

A man with two left feet walked into a beachwear shop and bought a pair of flip flips

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By *onybluenailsMan
16 weeks ago

cheshire

My local canteen is having to resort to cheap gimmicks to drum up trade. Their recent one was three curries for the price of one ... so you got a good run for your money....

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By *anmannersMan
16 weeks ago

I went to the bar and ordered a whisky Mac.

The barman said "£5.95 please".

I said you wouldn't have served me if you knew what I've got.

He said , "what have you got"?.

I said 25pence

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By *onybluenailsMan
16 weeks ago

cheshire

Being a firm believer in reincarnation, I’m leaving all my money to myself.

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By (user no longer on site)
16 weeks ago

Why do Americans use a gun for fishing?

In case they come across a school

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By *onybluenailsMan
16 weeks ago

cheshire

My doc asked me if any of my family members suffered from insanity. I told him, 'No, we all enjoy it.

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By (user no longer on site)
16 weeks ago

A woman was on trial for murdering her husband by beating him to death with his guitar collection.

Judge: “first offender?”

Lawyer: “no, first a Gibson, then a Fender”

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By *onybluenailsMan
16 weeks ago

cheshire

A long time ago in Texas, a little girl got some advice from her Grandad, "sprinkle a little gunpowder on your porridge every morning and you'll have a very good life".

Well, you'll be surprised to hear that she lived to the age of 103. And she left behind 5 sons, 16 grandchildren, 22 great grandchildren and a 40 foot hole in the ground where the crematorium was.

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By *onybluenailsMan
16 weeks ago

cheshire

Went on a date with a girl from the Stock Exchange last night.

I knew it was going well when she started playing FTSE with me under the table!

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By *ildwestheroMan
16 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Brunette rushes into a pub and says to a customer "Someone has just made off with

your car!"

He says shocked "did you see who?"

"No" she replied "But I did get the number"

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By *onybluenailsMan
16 weeks ago

cheshire

I’ve just been watching news coverage of a vehicle continuing to evade police after they deployed road spikes.

It was a tyreless pursuit.

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By *onybluenailsMan
16 weeks ago

cheshire

I’m in search for someone to assist with milking cows on my dairy farm.

Must work well with udders.

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By *onybluenailsMan
16 weeks ago

cheshire

I bought my girlfriend a pocket calculator in the shape of a castle;

I don’t think she’ll like it, but it’s the fort that counts.

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By (user no longer on site)
15 weeks ago

In a bag of jelly babies, how can you tell which are the legitimate ones and which are the illegitimate ones ?

Just tip the bag upside down and all the bastards fall out.

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By *evanianMan
15 weeks ago

Tegeingl, Gogledd Cymru

Marriage :- It's a three-ring circus:- engagement ring, wedding ring, and then a life suffering! 🫣

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By *etterbiggerMan
15 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

Patrick and Michael walking through a forest. They see a sign.

Wanted tree fellers.

Will you look at that says Michael. It's a shame there's only two of us

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By (user no longer on site)
15 weeks ago

I asked my wife to help me put some fence posts in for our new fence. Giving her the hammer I held the post and told her when I nodded my head she should hit it. I don't remember much after that

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By (user no longer on site)
15 weeks ago

What’s the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat ?

One mucks about in fountains …..

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By *atthew500Man
15 weeks ago

east yorks/hull

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? …… a carrot!

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By *atthew500Man
15 weeks ago

east yorks/hull

And the man who got his dick caught in a till…. He came into money!

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By *ibblefishMan
15 weeks ago

louthish

What’s the difference between Gordon Ramsey and rural jogging? Ones a pant in the country

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By (user no longer on site)
15 weeks ago

"What’s the difference between Gordon Ramsey and rural jogging? Ones a pant in the country"

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By *evanianMan
15 weeks ago

Tegeingl, Gogledd Cymru

I'm currently reading a fascinating book about Anti-Gravity.....

I just can't put it down!

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By *hiteroseMan
15 weeks ago

Neverwhere

"I'm currently reading a fascinating book about Anti-Gravity.....

I just can't put it down! "

I had a similar problem when reading a book about Helium.

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By *evanianMan
15 weeks ago

Tegeingl, Gogledd Cymru

"I'm currently reading a fascinating book about Anti-Gravity.....

I just can't put it down!

I had a similar problem when reading a book about Helium."

Such an uplifting topic! 😉

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By *anmannersMan
15 weeks ago

Avoiding Constipation

Lucy Bowels

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By *ovesex52TV/TS
15 weeks ago

nearby

2 blonds chatting in a bar.

1st blond;

I’ve just failed a pregnancy test!

2 blind;

Oh no! Were the questions very hard??

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By *ildwestheroMan
15 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

1st workman "Tom not in work today?"

2nd workman "No. He's in hospital"

1st workman "he looked fine in the nightclub last night when I saw him smooching with that sexy blond"

2nd workman "his wife saw him too"

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By (user no longer on site)
15 weeks ago

"Avoiding Constipation

Lucy Bowels"

What 13 letter word begins with an N, ends with an N, and means the same as constipation ?

Nnnnnnnnnnnnn

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By *ohnbi1965Man
15 weeks ago

Aberfeldy

Why do policemen have bigger balls... Because they sell more tickets.

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By *ollo007Man
15 weeks ago

Pontefract

I saw video on whatsapp of a bloke sucking his own cock.

It got me thinking is that gay or not?

I really couldn't make my mind up, I mean if you have a wank it's not like touching someone elses cock so probably not.

The bloke bumming him was definitely gay though.

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By *evanianMan
15 weeks ago

Tegeingl, Gogledd Cymru

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.

A woman comes up to him and says

"What are you supposed to be?"

The man says "A premature ejaculation!"

"What?" says the woman.

The man explains "I've just come in my pants." 😁

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By *etterbiggerMan
15 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

"I'm currently reading a fascinating book about Anti-Gravity.....

I just can't put it down!

I had a similar problem when reading a book about Helium.

Such an uplifting topic! 😉"

Don't get it on audio books. Unless you are a big fan of Joe Pasquale or the chipmunks

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By *ildwestheroMan
14 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Q: Why are soldiers always knackered on April 1st?

A: They've just had a 31 day march

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By (user no longer on site)
14 weeks ago

I could make a joke about gay bottoms but I figure they're always the butt of the joke

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By *anmannersMan
14 weeks ago

Why is Ruth the most common name used on cruise ships?

Because when you vomit over the side of the ship you shout Ruuuuththth

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By *etterbiggerMan
14 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

A guy goes in a bar

Can I have 12 shots of whisky lined up on the bar please barman

The barman pours the drinks and one by one the guy drinks them down.

Are you celebrating something sir asks the barman

Yes say the guy my first blow job.

I that case sir can I offer you a drink on the house

No thanks says the guy

If 12 whiskies won't take the taste away. One more won't make much difference

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By *onybluenailsMan
14 weeks ago

cheshire

I took part in a joke telling competition recently,

unfortunately the guy before me was so bad

they were booing him ten minutes into my act!!..

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By *onybluenailsMan
14 weeks ago

cheshire

Colin goes to propose to his girlfriend Linda but comes home with tears in his eyes. His father said 'Did you say what I said to your mother when I proposed? - Did you tell her that when you look into her eyes time stands still?'

Colin says 'Oh Boy did I mess up, I told Linda that she had a face that could stop a clock!'

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By *etterbiggerMan
14 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

My best mate Gavin died recently from an overdose of indigestion remedy.

I can't believe Gav is gone

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By *arcosa66Man
14 weeks ago

London

I live in an unusually narrow house. My wife hates it but I'm in it for the long hall.

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By *arcosa66Man
14 weeks ago

London

Sorry just remembered this one.

If Celine Dion sang just the vowels from her name she'd be singing the lyrics to Old McDonald Had a Farm.

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By *ildwestheroMan
14 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Went to one of those faith healing meetings last night. It was pathetic. So bad in fact that a guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

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By *etterbiggerMan
14 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

Dr Watson goes to visit Sherlock Holmes.

I see you have decorated the house Holmes. I particularly like the daffodil yellow hallway.

You are mistaken once again I'm afraid.

It is in fact a lemon entry my dear Watson

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By *ildwestheroMan
13 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

We should count our blessings and not complain so much about our lot in life. My mate never stops moaning yet he has sex 3 or 4 times a day, goes to the gym twice a day, has access to a vast library and doesn't work many hours. Yet he still says prison life doesn't suit him.

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By *ildwestheroMan
13 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

When I get bored I ring Best Western Hotels. When the receptionist says 'Best Western' I say 'Anything with John Wayne in it' and then hang up.

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By *ildwestheroMan
13 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Some firms are so rude and just don't deserve our customer. I phoned a local Plant Hire firm and politely asked if I could hire two geraniums and four primulas. The guy on the other end shouted 'Fuck off weirdo' and slammed the phone down.

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By *onybluenailsMan
12 weeks ago

cheshire

Two jelly babies sat in a bar, when a dolly mixture walks in.

"She's a bit of alright" says one.

"I wouldn't bother with her" says the other, "she's been with allsorts"

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By *rLipMan
12 weeks ago

Wrexham

Best post ever

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By *tar33Man
12 weeks ago

North London (outer)

"Sorry just remembered this one.

If Celine Dion sang just the vowels from her name she'd be singing the lyrics to Old McDonald Had a Farm."

That's actually quite good. It reminds me of how, since the 2000s, various company and band names have been making use of full or partial disemvowelling, such as twttr (original name of Twitter), abrdn, BHLDN, Tumblr, Flickr, and Scribd.

Artists and band names with full or partial disemvowelling include Mstrkrft, MGMT, MSCHF, MNDR, DNCE, Blk Jks, Sbtrkt, WSTRN, HMGNC, Strfkr, Kshmr, TNGHT, LNDN DRGS, LNZNDRF, JMSN, PVT, RDGLDGRN, Dvsn, SWMRS and Dwntwn.

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By (user no longer on site)
11 weeks ago

People in Surrey are so rude. I was driving around, lost, so I stopped the car, wound down the window and shouted ‘Leatherhead’ to the nearest pedestrian. He shouted back ‘Fishface’ and just walked on.

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By *ollo007Man
11 weeks ago

Pontefract

Did you hear about the two Dyslexic, Gay Physicists?

They liked to show each other their Hadrons.

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By *ildwestheroMan
9 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Refuge Collector: "Where's your bin mate?"

House Holder: "I been to the gym and a 5 mile run"

R.C. ; No mate. Where's your wheelie bin?"

H.H.: " Okay I've really been down the pub but don't tell the missus"

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By *onybluenailsMan
9 weeks ago

cheshire

Am I entitled to a full refund? When I bought my flask, I was told it kept hot things hot, and cold things cold. Disappointed to report, my choc ice melted when I put it in with my coffee.

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By *xaussiepaulMan
9 weeks ago

Bournemouth

What did the constipated mathematician do?

He worked it out with a pencil🤣🤣🤣

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By *im125Man
9 weeks ago

Perth

"What did the constipated mathematician do?

He worked it out with a pencil🤣🤣🤣"

Orthe constipated Spanish soldier?

He couldn't Pasadoble

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By (user no longer on site)
9 weeks ago

Apparently you can't use 'beef stew' as a password.

It's not stroganoff.

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By *xaussiepaulMan
9 weeks ago

Bournemouth

A dual carriageway and a motorway were sitting at the bar in a pub.

The door opened and in walked a path.

The dual carriageway said to the motorway....

Don't talk to him!! He's a cycle path!! 🤣🤣

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By *onybluenailsMan
9 weeks ago

cheshire

My wife said to me “when I married you l thought you were brave”.

I said “yes, so did all my mates”.

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By *etterbiggerMan
9 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

A friend asked me how long would a chicken last in the freezer. I said six months at least why

I put one in my freezer 4 days ago and it's dead.

Mind you he is the guy who found a neatly wrapped Christmas present in the loft in July. When he opened it he found the kitten they got the kids for Christmas

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By *onybluenailsMan
9 weeks ago

cheshire

I'm so worried about all the companies sending me bills!

Their printers only have red ink!

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By *ildwestheroMan
9 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Wife: See that man over there? The one who's blind d*unk and making a bit of a fool of himself. 10 years ago, before I met you, he asked me to marry him but I turned him down.

Husband: And he's still celebrating that 10 years later.

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By *ugh40Man
9 weeks ago

Wetherby

As I rewatch the whole Star Wars series, I am reminded of Darth Vader going into a Boulangerie and asking for three baguettes and two apple tarts.

"Bien sûr, monsieur", replies the shopkeeper, as she reaches for the items, "pain, pain, pain, tarte tatin, tarte tatin."

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By *aul DeUther-OneMan
9 weeks ago

Sussex coast

"I'm currently reading a fascinating book about Anti-Gravity.....

I just can't put it down!

I had a similar problem when reading a book about Helium."

Was half way through a book about stealth technology, put the book down and now I can't find it.

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By *onybluenailsMan
9 weeks ago

cheshire

Man just been shouting at me about my dog barking he said is dog don’t bark I said what dose it do them meow

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By *ph1956Man
9 weeks ago

COLCHESTER

Well known fact:

A cough cures Diarrhea😟.

Piss is yellow and Cum is white!

God's way to show man whether he's Cumming or Going😒.

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By *pot1Man
9 weeks ago

Bradford

Anyone seen that documentary about them super rich Ethiopian kids? No flies on them

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By *ottomup100Man
9 weeks ago

Shannon

Why do vegan women not moan during sex.

Because they don't want to admit that a small piece of meat can make them happy

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By *evanianMan
9 weeks ago

Tegeingl, Gogledd Cymru

A young lad saw his granddad having a smoke. The young lad asked, "Granddad, can I have a puff?" His granddad replied, "Can your willy reach your bum?" "No," said the lad. His granddad replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, the lad saw his granddad having a pint. He asked, "Granddad, can I have a sip?" His granddad replied, "Can your willy reach your bum?" "No" said the lad. "Then you're not old enough," his granddad replied. The next day, the lad was munching on some biscuits. His granddad asked, "Can I have a biscuit?" The young lad replied, "Can your willy reach your bum?" His granddad replied, "It most certainly can!" The lad said, "Well go and fuck yourself then!"

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By *onybluenailsMan
9 weeks ago

cheshire

Dickens cider,

Just a quick question, I have been dating a girl for about a month now, just holding hands etc, but she said the other day, "holding hands is nice" but said she wouldn't mind a Dickins Cider ! I just want to maker her happy so have spent the last two days calling pubs, and supermarkets to see who stocks "Dickins Cider" but cannot find it anywhere ?

Is it just a girls drink like babycham etc ? How many women here have had a Dickens cider, and where do I get one from please ?

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By *anmannersMan
9 weeks ago

[Removed by poster at 09/04/25 08:24:33]

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By *ichey6Man
9 weeks ago

aberdeen

What do you call a plane with an accountant on it?

A Boring 747

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By *ildwestheroMan
9 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Tsunami:- the T is silent

Knife:- the K is silent

Gnashers:- the G is silent

Marriage:-the husband is silent

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By *onybluenailsMan
9 weeks ago

cheshire

Mary Poppins apparently stopped wearing poor quality lipstick because it made her breath smell funny.

She said that ‘the super colour fragile lipsticks give me halitosis’

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By *anmannersMan
9 weeks ago

Mary Poppins rabbit and dog always sing for their supper.

Supercarrotsfragilebiscuitseatthemon thedoorstep

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By *anmannersMan
9 weeks ago

What's the difference between Fanny Craddock and a cross country runner?

Ones a pant in the country

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By *aturefunswTV/TS
9 weeks ago

bristol

Guy starts using a face cream starts as a freebie but difference is incredible , he’s in post office , lady behind counter says you look well , it’s my face cream , how old do you think I am ?

She replies 52 ish ? I’m 45 ! Wow !

On he goes to chemist same thing happens - how old do you think I am he says to the lady behind till Um 55 ? I’m 47 he exclaimed ! I must get some for my hubby !

He turns and holds open door for a little old lady , thank u young man she says .

How old do you think I am he asks ?

Well I think I’m not sure can I put my hand in your pants to help me ?

Errr ok he says , he allows her to rummage around for cpl mins x

I think 47 she says …. Wow he said what made you guess 47 .

I was behind you in Post Office que …

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By *onybluenailsMan
9 weeks ago

cheshire

So things Confucius did not say……but wishes he did: ☺️👆

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And, Confucius Did Not Say. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but Tiger Wood".

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By *onybluenailsMan
9 weeks ago

cheshire

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrel it can be done.

Why did the horse cross the road? To see his NEIGH-bor.

Why did the cow cross the road? To prove it's not udderly impossible.

Why did the three legged dog cross the road? To find his Paw.

Why did the pig cross the road? To find his Pen pal.

Why did the farmer cross the road? To get all his animals back.

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By *hiteroseMan
9 weeks ago

Neverwhere

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

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By *ootsockMan
9 weeks ago

Earl's Court, London

Back in the late 70s I got a box of x-rated Christmas crackers. The one joke I can remember went:

Confucius say, 'Girl who sleep with judge get honourable discharge'

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By *onybluenailsMan
9 weeks ago

cheshire

I applied to work for quality control in the local toilet factory.

It was only a bog standard job really but I failed the interview and now I feel all my hopes have been flushed down the pan.

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By *onybluenailsMan
9 weeks ago

cheshire

Two women are standing on the bridge and one says to the other “You know I want to pee like men do “

So she goes to the side of the bridge and squats over the water and pulls her pants down and says “ You see that canoe down there, I’m going to pee on that canoe!”

And the other woman says “ That’s not a canoe, that’s your reflection.”

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By *evanianMan
9 weeks ago

Tegeingl, Gogledd Cymru

What’s the difference between the erotic and the perverse?

With the erotic, you take a feather and use it tenderly, delicately, teasingly, playfully. You trace designs with it, and use it to play with your lover.

With the perverse, you just fuck the whole chicken.

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By *onybluenailsMan
9 weeks ago

cheshire

If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced.

This is why people with no sense of humour have a heightened sense of self-importance.

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By *ildwestheroMan
9 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

A man made a business arrangement with a rent-boy. He got a bum deal.

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By *onybluenailsMan
9 weeks ago

cheshire

Why do we call it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes???

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By *addy7x6Man
9 weeks ago

High Wycombe

"Why do we call it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes???"

You've nailed it there.

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By *ibblefishMan
9 weeks ago

louthish

I’ve just been charged £80 for 8 legs of venison. Is that too dear?

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By *oose1Man
9 weeks ago

doncaster

Crazy paving isn’t all it’s cracked up to be

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By *addy7x6Man
9 weeks ago

High Wycombe

"I applied to work for quality control in the local toilet factory.

It was only a bog standard job really but I failed the interview and now I feel all my hopes have been flushed down the pan. "

But at least you'll have holidays at your own convenience.

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By (user no longer on site)
8 weeks ago

What do you call an omnipotent, holy, celestial, olfactory orifice in the centre of your face ?

God knows !

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By *ranford cruiserTV/TS
8 weeks ago

Heathrow

Labour party lol??

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By *elissatightsloverTV/TS
8 weeks ago

plymouth

Two cannibals eating a clown when one says to the other " does this taste funny to you? "

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By *evanianMan
8 weeks ago

Tegeingl, Gogledd Cymru

A guy says to his wife: 'Pack your bags, I've won the Lottery!'

She says:- 'What should I pack? Something light? Something warm? Where are we going?'

He says:- 'We're going nowhere. Just pack your bags, f#ck off and don't come back!!

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By *evanianMan
8 weeks ago

Tegeingl, Gogledd Cymru

I opened my Birthday card and loads of rice came out... I knew right away who sent it...

It was Uncle Ben.

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By *tar33Man
8 weeks ago

North London (outer)

"Ive got a travel lodge advent calendar. Its full of chocolate but you can’t open any of the windows"

Funnily enough I once had a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar. Every time you open a door it tells you to fuck off.

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By *tar33Man
8 weeks ago

North London (outer)

My girlfriend once told me she had an itchy fanny.

I thought she'd bought a Japanese motorcycle.

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By *ichey6Man
8 weeks ago

aberdeen

What's the difference between an eagle and a grass?

Nothing. They both talon you....

😜

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By *onybluenailsMan
7 weeks ago

cheshire

I ordered an electric saw and lubricating oil online but only the oil was delivered. When I phoned to complain, the guy said “well sir, if you have lube, you don’t get saw.”

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By *ildwestheroMan
7 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Two thousand years ago two prominent citizens were having a drink in a private club in Jerusalem.

Pontius Pilate: "Joe you are a sensible wealthy businessman. You just spent a small fortune having a tomb built for yourself yet you've just let your great-nephew be buried there instead of you!"

Joseph of Arimathea: "Well I didn't actually give it to him. Just lent it to him for the weekend"

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By *onybluenailsMan
7 weeks ago

cheshire

I ordered an electric saw and lubricating oil online but only the oil was delivered. When I phoned to complain, the guy said “well sir, if you have lube, you don’t get saw.”

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By *ph1956Man
7 weeks ago

COLCHESTER

Tribe of cannibals standing by a jungle path.

Two missionaries on bicycles ride towards them.

One cannibal says to the others

Look "Meals on Wheels"

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By *onybluenailsMan
7 weeks ago

cheshire

My mate said to me: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet”.

I said: “I can’t have, they’re the only feet I’ve got.”

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By (user no longer on site)
7 days ago

I asked my sex therapist why I’m having so much difficulty finding anyone who shares my love of flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality. He told me I’m just flogging a dead horse.

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By *ottom seeks top.Man
7 days ago

East kent

I found an alphabet hand grenade. If it had gone off it would have spelled “ disaster”

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By *untimes61Man
7 days ago

London

A white horse goes into a pub. The barman says, do you know that we have a scotch named after you? What, Eric?

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By *awihMan
7 days ago

Aldershot

"My sister wanted an innuendo. Some gave her one "

Innuendo - Isn’t that Italian for suppository?

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By *iBobOxonMan
7 days ago

Thame/Aylesbury

"I asked my sex therapist why I’m having so much difficulty finding anyone who shares my love of flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality. He told me I’m just flogging a dead horse."

I used to be a necrophiliac, well, until some rotten cunt split on me.

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By *iBobOxonMan
7 days ago

Thame/Aylesbury

I see that Ford are making a brand new model of car to celebrate the life and career of Elvis Presley.

It’s going to be called the Cortina Trap.

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By *ollo007Man
7 days ago

Pontefract

Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other " How the fuck do you drive this thing?".

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By *onybluenailsMan
6 days ago

cheshire

If a bra is an "over the shoulder boulder holder". Does that make a jock strap an “under the butt, nut hut?”

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By *bone75Man
6 days ago

Blaydon

What's the difference between a giraffe and a JCB?

Ones got hydraulics the others got high bollocks

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By *bone75Man
6 days ago

Blaydon

I used to be a necrophiliac, well, until some rotten cunt split on me. "

Fancy a cold one?

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By *addy7x6Man
6 days ago

High Wycombe

My wife left me - ran off with the bloke next door.

I do miss him.

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By *addy7x6Man
6 days ago

High Wycombe

Mick's wife asked "Mick - why the L and R painted on your wellies?"

Mick replied "So's I know which feet to put 'em on!"

She says "Maybe that's why I've got C & A in me knickers?"

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By *onybluenailsMan
6 days ago

cheshire

Visiting the cocktail bar,I asked the barmaid,what would you recommend, she said would you like sex on the beach,I said no, its high tide and I can't swim

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By *tanzaMan
6 days ago

North Bristol

A Duck Walks Into A Shop

"Got any Bread"

"No"

"Got any Bread"

"No"

"Got any Bread"

"No"

"Got any Bread"

"No, and if you ask me again, I'll nail your beak to the floor"

"Got any Nails"

"No"

"Got any Bread"

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By *onybluenailsMan
6 days ago

cheshire

Got booed off stage at the open mic night at the local comedy club. They said my Terminator impression was rubbish.

Never mind. I shall return.

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By *ewbiversMan
6 days ago

Ilford

Why did the condom fly across the room?

It was pissed off.

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By *ammy57Man
6 days ago

Stevenage

Current govt claim to be "left of center"?!?

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By *vmarisaTV/TS
6 days ago

Motherwell

"A Duck Walks Into A Shop

"Got any Bread"

"No"

"Got any Bread"

"No"

"Got any Bread"

"No"

"Got any Bread"

"No, and if you ask me again, I'll nail your beak to the floor"

"Got any Nails"

"No"

"Got any Bread"

Ha ha ha.. love that one . Mx 😜

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By *onybluenailsMan
6 days ago

cheshire

Just checked into my hotel, the brochure boasted all rooms come with Sky.

They weren't joking, the hotel had no roof.

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By *icksterMan
6 days ago

Glasgow

Two cannibals are eating a clown one says to the other does this taste funny to you

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By *onybluenailsMan
6 days ago

cheshire

A little boy started crying in class at school. The teacher went up to him and asked with empathy "What seems to be the matter"? He replies "My dad got badly burnt yesterday". "Oh my goodness, I'm sorry to hear that" says the teacher, "well I hope he makes a speedy recovery". "I don't think so" responds the little boy. "They don't muck about at the crematorium"!

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By *icksterMan
6 days ago

Glasgow

"A little boy started crying in class at school. The teacher went up to him and asked with empathy "What seems to be the matter"? He replies "My dad got badly burnt yesterday". "Oh my goodness, I'm sorry to hear that" says the teacher, "well I hope he makes a speedy recovery". "I don't think so" responds the little boy. "They don't muck about at the crematorium"!"
not bad buddy nice one

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By *onybluenailsMan
6 days ago

cheshire

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner!"

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By *3versMan
6 days ago

glasgow

How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman?

Shit in her cunt

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By *ngel50TV/TS
6 days ago

Kinross

For overweight men, a balanced diet focused on whole, unprocessed foods is generally recommended, emphasizing plant-based foods, lean protein, and healthy fats. It's also important to limit processed foods, sugary drinks, and saturated and trans fats. A slow and steady weight loss approach is generally advised, aiming for 1-2 pounds (0.5-1 kg) of fat loss per week.

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By *onybluenailsMan
6 days ago

cheshire

Why is it so difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring & Good- looking?

They already have boyfriends.

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By *vmarisaTV/TS
6 days ago

Motherwell

"For overweight men, a balanced diet focused on whole, unprocessed foods is generally recommended, emphasizing plant-based foods, lean protein, and healthy fats. It's also important to limit processed foods, sugary drinks, and saturated and trans fats. A slow and steady weight loss approach is generally advised, aiming for 1-2 pounds (0.5-1 kg) of fat loss per week. "

Honestly Angel you are a Doll , to be so concerned with the health of your fellow man, I am sorry I am beginning to feel emotional, either that or I need a dump, nope it's a dump , be right back.

Oh the Bantz.

Mx 👿

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By *3versMan
6 days ago

glasgow

Why did the Angel pick his username?

Because they like to harp on about shit

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By *vmarisaTV/TS
5 days ago

Motherwell

"Why did the Angel pick his username?

Because they like to harp on about shit"

Ooh you are awful... But I like you... RIP Dick Emery

Mx 😜

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By *addy7x6Man
5 days ago

High Wycombe

"Why did the Angel pick his username?

Because they like to harp on about shit

Ooh you are awful... But I like you... RIP Dick Emery

Mx 😜"

Government Health Warning: Dick Emery is not recommended for use cleaning your cock after a shitty dip.

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By *addy7x6Man
5 days ago

High Wycombe

Horse walks into a bar.

The barman shouts "Hey you - hoof it out of here!"

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By *addy7x6Man
5 days ago

High Wycombe

Waiter to customer in "nouvelle cuisine" restaurant: "How did you find your steak sir?"

Customer: "I moved this scrap of lettuce and there it was!"

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By *addy7x6Man
5 days ago

High Wycombe

What's the best time to sell a MAGA man some real estate?

Low tide.

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By *haron1701ETV/TS
5 days ago

Southport

"Why do Americans use a gun for fishing?

In case they come across a school"

NOT FUNNY

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By *haron1701ETV/TS
5 days ago

Southport

"A Duck Walks Into A Shop

"Got any Bread"

"No"

"Got any Bread"

"No"

"Got any Bread"

"No"

"Got any Bread"

"No, and if you ask me again, I'll nail your beak to the floor"

"Got any Nails"

"No"

"Got any Bread"

Ha ha ha.. love that one . Mx 😜"

Cheers for that ya git...

You made me laugh out loud

(not recommended with broken ribs)

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By *haron1701ETV/TS
5 days ago

Southport

Whats the difference between a pickpocket and a voyuer?

One snatches your watch....

The other watchs your snatch

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