FabGuys.com forum: Bi coming out stories

By *odame OP Man
10 weeks ago

Torremolinos, Spain NOT

Chatted to a couple of people this week out here in Gran Canaria.

Both had been in heterosexual marriages for 30 plus years and finally this year decided to live their lives as their true selves.

Both had sexless relationships and been meeting guys for years, grown up children no longer at home was the last thing holding them back.

One is now a Trans Woman, wife known about it for years, adult daughters now aware, one totally okay, other not happy.

Other told me he has always been gay but got married due to pressure. Was a complete surprise to wife but she has accepted it as marriage had only continued for now married children, children totally cool about it. Wife already dating other guys.

Both say there have been difficult conversations, financial divisions, heated arguments, biterness, sadness, anger & guilt but wish they had done it years ago as it has been the happiest months of their lives.

I found their logic of spending 30 plus years living that life fascinating, their stories extremely sad and their reasoning very difficult to fathom as I accepted my sexuality as a youth and dealt with the prejudices they seemed unable to face.

One seemed to be have been totally dependent on his ex wife, seemed she was a substitute for his mother and he was totally unable to take responsibility for anything - a man child.

The other was confident, bordering on arrogant and made very misogynistic statements.

I was left wondering if there had been a specific support network they may have made the decision a lot earlier.

Anyone else done this, or at a crossroads considering it?

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By (user no longer on site)
9 weeks ago

I think this is just so commonplace amongst men of a certain age and I'm only surprised there hasn't, so far, been other responses.

From another recent thread, I'm saddened that some people seem to find such situations incomprehensible and are only too quick to pigeon-hole people as if sexuality was a constant and everyone equally capable of dealing with society's impositions, regardless of personalities and, by definition, unique personal circumstances. Whilst we've certainly come a long way when it comes to acceptance and understanding, it doesn't always feel that way and, ironically, sometimes the prejudice nowadays is within our own ranks.

For my part, I am clear in my mind that I have always been gay. My instinctive attraction to other males, to the almost total exclusion of females, far preceeded my sexual awakening but when that did dawn it was unequivocal where my interests lay.

I reached my teenage years in the early 1970s, when homosexuality in the media was an object of ridicule. To a formative mind, that contempt seemed to pervade all aspects of life and was a cause of shame and bullying. Something that until just a few years earlier had been illegal was not about to be readily countenanced by anyone in my social sphere. Information and advice was nowhere to be seen - to a teenager and then a young man, what it was to be gay was simply invisible and unquantifiable.

Expectations of dating girls and marriage were the only constant and that's hard to challenge when you have so little life experience and, unlike today, so little information. So it was that I fell in line and duly married. She was my first and only girlfriend. I did love her and even now when she is my ex-wife, I still do. But something so fundamental to who you are simply can't be 'pretended away'. When ultimately, many years later, I did experience sex with a man, I went on to meet men with whom I discovered a much more profound love. That's not to disrespect my ex-wife, merely to acknowledge the truth of my sexuality.

I always supported my wife and family after I came out and separated. I'm lucky - my wife is still my best friend and my grown up children have been unfailingly supportive - a tangible example of how much society has changed. Beyond the initial surprise/shock, everything has been conducted with civility and love. No arguments. No bitterness. Not all men are as fortunate, I know.

The relief that came from being honest with people was palpable. I'm less anxious and more fulfilled than I ever was before but more important than that, I'm happier and, crucially, that's what my ex-wife and children wanted for me too.

Taking steps like those described aren't undertaken lightly. It's not a whim or a passing fancy. It's serious stuff and it's not for everyone who find themself similarly conflicted. Everyone is different, but we all owe it to ourselves to live the best life we can - however we decide to define it.

I'm not a bi man, so apologies for arguably hijacking this thread, but in reality I think it's mere semantics.

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By *kigaiMan
9 weeks ago

Northampton

You would be amazed what goes on behind the closed curtains of the UK where most assume neuro-typical domestic bliss.

I've born witness to many a story of acceptance and tolerance and, sadly, equally as many of intolerance and rejection.

The human capacity for both and to find ways in which to exist is quite extraordinary at times.

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By *uminsideme .Man
9 weeks ago

weston s mare

I'm at the stage i want to come out as gay I'm with my girlfriend but she has no clue about my gay side and she has been through loads of shit in her life i really don't want to add to it by telling her I'm gay I'm really struggling to hide it i almost told her the other day the feeling of being gay is very strong and I'm finding it very hard to contain it xx

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By *odame OP Man
9 weeks ago

Torremolinos, Spain NOT

I'm not a bi man, so apologies for arguably hijacking this thread, but in reality I think it's mere semantics."

thank you for sharing your life story, and so eloquently.

the majority of us that now identify as gay will have used bi as a cover until we found the courage to be our true selves.

hopefully someone reading your story will find strength in seeing how, despite that there will be awkward conversations and challenges, there is the opportunity for a fabulous future

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By *oycasebriskMan
9 weeks ago

Market Rasen

"I'm at the stage i want to come out as gay I'm with my girlfriend but she has no clue about my gay side and she has been through loads of shit in her life i really don't want to add to it by telling her I'm gay I'm really struggling to hide it i almost told her the other day the feeling of being gay is very strong and I'm finding it very hard to contain it xx"

Show her your arse hole. She’ll know

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By *odame OP Man
9 weeks ago

Torremolinos, Spain NOT

despite appearances and the sexual propensity of this forum, as you read above, there are many on here who have been in a similar situatuion, there is a community that supports you right here if you want to reach out

living your life as YOU should be your absolute priority, loyalty or guilt for someone being upset at you for being you should not ace that

coming out has its challenges but the outcome and happiness in being your true self far outweighs those

my dm's are open if you need to talk m8

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By *odame OP Man
9 weeks ago

Torremolinos, Spain NOT

someone sent me a private message but didn't want to post themselves

he said had found this support group helped him

edwardcarpentercommunity (dot) org (dot) uk

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By *ammy aka SammyTV/TS
9 weeks ago

Bedford

There are many people who live in a world of no sex relationships and are quite happy ,for many heterosexuals to turn gay doesn't even enter thier heads, so they go through life thinking its just the way it is xxx

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By *weet pea 2Man
9 weeks ago

Exeter

I am 60 I am married 2nd time round to same women she took my virginity at 24 I had few girl friends even went away breaks share a bed but nothing happened.my wife was kind and gentle yes sex was fun at first then I got board and started fancy men sex dried up after the children.i try get books to help she said Its load rubbish .so split up divorced as we had other problems.At age 32 was my first experience with guys I went gay pubs clubs I remember my first guy he was holder and bold he was a Gardner and nice fit body we both been drinking,he invited me back to his place that was my first experience he was gentle with me and I enjoyed having he's cock in my mouth and it felt so natural.

He said you enjoyed it you stop for while but once you tried it with cock be back .never look backed .as child always wonder what be like with another man but I did tried with other women but no didn't come off ,I even had one say I was crap in bed .I had another one relax find out play with sex I nearly told her I loved wearing ladies cloths .But for need of my children always went back to ex and we did have sex so called .but now I not had sex with for 18 months.

Last Xmas after dropping her off at work I went to cruising area it was still dark I found car parked got out giving bj then I open my boot door and pulled my trousers down and he fucked me was great .then I decided right time I should get tested so off to clinic

That's me starting come out I found it herd with staff but they took time and listen to me and relax me .I not done anything wrong you can't help feelings so done test jabs on to prep and got me to speak to sexual psychologist best thing to happen i.love my life and still love my wife grown children and they be first .I bought my own dressers and panties and even had bra fitting service .I decided why rock boat I don't need tell her up moment just grab my gay time when I can .

When house empty that when I dress up.about 2 years ago meet a school and village friend we talked about our life he turn round we even some other peers said I sure I was gay .

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By *ay4121Man
9 weeks ago

Bexleyheath

Have come close a few times but just not quite ready or sure at the moment.

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By *westMan
9 weeks ago

Hull

If my wife knew I liked cock I am sure she would leave me but part of me wants that.

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By *odame OP Man
9 weeks ago

Torremolinos, Spain NOT

"I am 60 I am married 2nd time round to same women she took my virginity at 24 I had few girl friends even went away breaks....."

thanks for sharing, sounds like the sex therapist sessions were good for you, were they provided by the NHS?

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By *odame OP Man
9 weeks ago

Torremolinos, Spain NOT

"Have come close a few times but just not quite ready or sure at the moment."

lgbt switchboard has a chat facility if you feel you need to talk it through with a professional

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By *odame OP Man
9 weeks ago

Torremolinos, Spain NOT

"If my wife knew I liked cock I am sure she would leave me but part of me wants that."

Read what you wrote on your profile which is also about wanting the wife leaving you

maybe reach out to one of the support organisations to discuss your feelings and create an exit strategy rather than hoping to be discovered and the drama that would create

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By *ootyMan
9 weeks ago

andover

Iv always hid who I was and denied it, my wife and I started swinging about a year ago and I found out who I was and why I’d had these feelings all my life.

It was hard telling her that I like all genders, but she was and has been so amazing! Has even encouraged me to join here 🙂

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By *hubsloverMan
9 weeks ago

East/west sussex

Show her your arse hole. She’ll know

What a horrible thing to say

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By *hubsloverMan
9 weeks ago

East/west sussex

It is not easy case when you have been married for a long time and you have had a straight life for half a century . Also you should consider the age of person lets say in 70 s different time , people weren’t much educated about sexuality, so now you want to switch off everything behind you , incl. your wife children and you don’t know how they react. After so many years coming out really not easy case , you never know the amount of damage for that decision . I agree that you feel happier in your body but the case is not only about you . Other people also need to adjust themselves with your decision and some people can’t do it . I have done it myself but can’t say it was a good decision or bad . Really don’t know even after so many years .

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By *dambi00Man
9 weeks ago

Leicester

I’m not married but a few months ago I told my Arab parents, and siblings, and they were fine with it, just a little shocked

Friends were fine with it but a little shocked too. Other than that, they treat me the exact same as they usually would

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By *odame OP Man
9 weeks ago

Torremolinos, Spain NOT

"Iv always hid who I was and denied it, my wife and I started swinging about a year ago and I found out who I was and why I’d had these feelings all my life.

It was hard telling her that I like all genders, but she was and has been so amazing! Has even encouraged me to join here 🙂"

great to hear you can now live as your true self with an understanding partner

do you have any advice for others on how to start the conversation ?

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By (user no longer on site)
9 weeks ago

Show her your arse hole. She’ll know

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By (user no longer on site)
9 weeks ago

I've been Bi for my entire sexual lifetime. I actually had sex with men long before I had sex with a woman. The allure of pussy however stopped me from becoming fully gay. I stopped seeing men in my mid twenties and concentrated on getting married. Wife one (who was a complete bitch) never knew and wife two ( who died of cancer) never knew. It was towards the end of my second wife's life I began to see men again, usually visiting saunas to get my needs attended too.

After wife 2 died I began to use a sex dating site and attracted both men and women. In those days I'd use my web cam and wanked frequently to completion. This is how I found my third wife. In my profile was the fact I was Bisexual and so wife three knew from day one. She loved sex and loved to see me play with other men and women. We developed a close group of friends for sex meets. I loved watching her with others. Now I'm alone and not as well as I'd like to be but love sex still with both men and wmen. The fact I'm on this site probably says more about my sexuality than anything else could.

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By *starMan
9 weeks ago

Frampton on Severn

My parents, in their mid 90s, are going through the inevitable life events, and are not "going gentle into that good night". Stressful and unbearably sad. This and trying to live my secret bi life was nearly breaking me.

Last night I threw caution to the wind and "came out", and she, darling woman, was fine it! Whatever makes you happy makes me happy.

Huge relief.

I haven't mentioned the cross dressing yet, one shock at a time.

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By (user no longer on site)
9 weeks ago

"I haven't mentioned the cross dressing yet, one shock at a time."

But then, is that a level of detail they need to know? I mean you wouldn't list your sexual interests to them, so why even mention the CD? I'd say, don't let the 'perfect' be the enemy of the good and risk undoing what you've just achieved.

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By *ugged NorthernerMan
9 weeks ago

Sunderland

If I was to come out I’d literally have to start a new life as the fall out would be too much. It’s either start new life or top myself one of the two that’s for sure

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By *starMan
9 weeks ago

Frampton on Severn

"I haven't mentioned the cross dressing yet, one shock at a time.

Sage advice, which I shall take time to consider. Since I have only recently started, I'll see where it goes, maybe try some meets as a cd, decide if it's a long term thing.

If it were to come up in conversation I wouldn't deny it though.

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By *odame OP Man
8 weeks ago

Torremolinos, Spain NOT

"If I was to come out I’d literally have to start a new life as the fall out would be too much. It’s either start new life or top myself one of the two that’s for sure "

Your description "starting a new life" is what it is.

A step that shouldn't be taken lightly, only you have the inside knowledge of your marriage and understanding of how deep or truthful your commitment to your wife is versus your desire to live your life as your authentic self.

It is a massive step that should have an exit strategy planned rather than expect the other person to accept the announcement, preparing time and space to allow all parties the opportunity to reflect, especially if children are part of the equation.

Some marriages include family business connections that could cause dramatic financial implications besides family division and loss of friendships, any exit strategy should plan for the worst reaction and include financial independence.

Preparing in advance your own support network of people that you have already made aware of your situation and who are aware of your plans is vital for your need to have mental health support during what would be challenging times.

Most important is a post 'coming out' survival plan.

Planning how you will enjoy the new life you have created as the reward for all your effort should be part of that.

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By *orchlightMan
8 weeks ago

Chippenham

This is the best thread I’ve ever read on this site. Too late for me but brilliantly supportive.

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By *eorgesdadMan
8 weeks ago

Long Eaton Nottingham

I was from an early age attracted to males but in the era I grew up in it was actually illegal to be gay so I married and led a “straight” life but never shied away from gay men or situations, then finally had my first real sex session in my mid 50s with a man (thank you David) who sucked me off and that broke down the barriers, my sexual contact with men increased and I lost all inhibitors to finally have an Adonis pop my cherry 8” of rock hard cock giving me pain that quickly turned to pure pleasure 🤪💋❤️ I am now totally bottom and love kisses and cuddles with masculine men. However I daren’t come out as being gay as I don’t know if I could handle the potential backlash🫣🥸 So I take my pleasures with men discreetly but would love to walk hand in hand in public with my male lover 💋💋💋

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By *eorgesdadMan
8 weeks ago

Long Eaton Nottingham

[Removed by poster at 08/01/25 06:28:15]

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By *ony 529Man
8 weeks ago

Coventry

Thank you all for sharing your input on this subject. As you can see from my profile, I wear most of my wife’s things and she doesn’t know

. And she really doesn’t. I enjoy the company of sexy men from time to time. Like most husbands on here they are happy with their wives, but they know they would never have a sense of humor to understand how we feel

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By *nthony 2.0Man
8 weeks ago

ear Oldham

I’m too scared to come out

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By *odame OP Man
8 weeks ago

Torremolinos, Spain NOT

"I was from an early age attracted to males but in the era I grew up in it was actually illegal to be gay so I married and led a “straight” life but never shied away from gay men or situations, then finally had my first real sex session in my mid 50s with a man (thank you David) who sucked me off and that broke down the barriers, my sexual contact with men increased and I lost all inhibitors to finally have an Adonis pop my cherry 8” of rock hard cock giving me pain that quickly turned to pure pleasure 🤪💋❤️ I am now totally bottom and love kisses and cuddles with masculine men. However I daren’t come out as being gay as I don’t know if I could handle the potential backlash🫣🥸 So I take my pleasures with men discreetly but would love to walk hand in hand in public with my male lover 💋💋💋"

A testament to the pressures in society that young men from the older generation faced, but as the law decriminalising homosexuality was passed in 1967 it isn't really a valid point today, unless you are in your late 70s or 80s.

For those born post 1950 the pressures in society on young men when they are more vulnerable to beng influenced, especially by family members voicing strong opinions, forced so many create a character and lifestyle that is a facade that they then built a life around and are unable to break away from, often due to a sense of loyalty, guilt and pride.

The other social pressure of toxic masculinity can make it even harder for those more easily influenced by others opinions to break 'character', especially as gay men have historically been portrayed in such a negative way, effeminate homosexuals being the most prevelant representation in the media.

Misogyny also fuels the prejudice that being gay/homosexual is somehow weaker than being heterosexual.

Internalised homophobia created by the constant negativity can create self loathing and an inability to accept themselves and a belief they do not deserve to be happy.

Thankfully representation is changing and controversy such as gay marriage has created awareness and open discussion plus support from unlikely allies.

Those unlikely allies are the ones that are most mentioned in anecdotal testament to what gave guys the strength to create a happier life for themselves.

Individual circumstances and personal conviction dictate if, how, and when any change is achievable and nobody denies it is difficult, claiming is it impossible is not being true to oneself.

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By *ick 123Man
8 weeks ago

sheffield

What a brilliant thread, so helpful and inspiring, and non judgemental, wish it had been posted ten years earlier

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By *odame OP Man
8 weeks ago

Torremolinos, Spain NOT

"I’m too scared to come out "

Have you considered writing down all the things that scare you about coming out, and then writing next to them the best and worst outcome?

You may be surprised if you then compare them to all the worst outcomes you may have feared in the past that either did not happen, were not as bad as expected or that you survived and can look back on without the trauma you predicted.

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By *enjamin2018Man
8 weeks ago

Halstead

I was married to a woman for 15 years had 2 sons the youngest of whom died suddenly 9 years ago . I miss him terribly and think about him all of the time . My eldest son is 29 and found some emails I hadn't deleted, as a result of which he confronted me about my sexuality. I told him I wasn't prepared to discuss my sexuality with him and was annoyed that he felt the need to make it an issue whilst professing not to be bothered about it , and for a while we hardly spoke . About 5 months ago his attitude changed and we now chat regularly,and are back to how we were with each other before ,we'd always had a close relationship when he was growing up , and the subject isn't mentioned, although we both know the truth . I don't feel that I want to reopen the subject with him ,im his dad it's not a subject that I want to discuss with him and I don't see the benefit to either of us by talking about it . I have one close friend who knows, and that is helpful for both of us as we can both use the other as a sounding board for matters of a sexual nature.I have a few other close friends who I'm not in the least bit attracted to and with whom sex in any form isn't discussed, not because we're avoiding it but because it we've got lots of shared non sexual interests, and sex isn't part of our craic and never has been . If I told them , I don't think they would stop being my friends but I don't see the point. I'm planning to move to Yorkshire from Essex where I've always lived , because I've spent time there and really love everything about it , and think it will give me a new area to explore and a good place to spend the final stage of my life in. I have recently started to feel that id like a mm relationship, having become increasingly bored with NSA fun and I recognise that the decision to move so far away , even though I genuinely love the area , maybe a subliminal desire to come out to myself without the inconvenience and the uncertainty and possibly the awkwardness on my part of having to come out to the people I know in my current location, as living with a guy , should that happen, be something I would find difficult to conceal , but I wouldn't want to anyway if I was in a mm relationship.

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By *odame OP Man
8 weeks ago

Torremolinos, Spain NOT

"I was married to a woman for 15 years had 2 sons the youngest of whom died suddenly 9 years ago . I miss him terribly and think about him all of the time . My eldest son is 29 and found some emails I hadn't deleted, as a result of which he confronted me about my sexuality. I told him I wasn't prepared to discuss my sexuality with him and was annoyed that he felt the need to make it an issue whilst professing not to be bothered about it , and for a while we hardly spoke . About 5 months ago his attitude changed and we now chat regularly,and are back to how we were with each other before ,we'd always had a close relationship when he was growing up , and the subject isn't mentioned, although we both know the truth . I don't feel that I want to reopen the subject with him ,im his dad it's not a subject that I want to discuss with him and I don't see the benefit to either of us by talking about it... "

Firstly, sympathy for your loss, losing a child must be unimaginable grief.

You say your son 'confronted' you, that makes it sound like he had issues about either homosexuality, having a gay dad or how it related to your marriage/divorce and his mum, you say he has now changed his attitude, that you both know the truth but you don't want to discuss it with him, or see any benefit if you did.

Perhaps consider how that may be better if it were to change as you begin this new life rather than it remain the elephant in the corner

Not having transparency could be a strain if you develop a mm relationship, being someone's 'dirty secret' isn't a good place to be.

Having a fully supportive son would be fantastic, just being open about your wishes and plans for your future would be a compromise but at the least it opens the door to future development of your relationship with him.

Not wanting friends to know about intimate sexual acts is a normal expectation of privacy but good thinking people know it is more than sex.

Although wanting to remain 'in the closet' to close friends may be some guilt from keeping it secret and the awkwardness of it being different to how you have learned to portay yourself, it may have its roots in some part of internalised homophobia that you may benefit from researching and seeing if you identify any of it in yourself.

Again, any potential mm relationship would have pressure that could be avoided if you are already 'out', if you meet someone that has the same interests you enjoy with your friends that offers amazing possibilities, it would be a shame to have closed the door on that potential.

Accepting and loving yourself is the first step.

There are many support agencies out there that have a wealth of experience in helping mature men coming out, they can also sign post you to social groups of other men of a similar age and whose experiences match yours.

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By *enjamin2018Man
8 weeks ago

Halstead

Thanks for your thoughtful and kind post ,I dont agree with a lot of it but it has given me something to think about, and having an outsiders opinion is always helpful as you can say what a friend often cannot.

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By *amme!Man
8 weeks ago

on my travels!

"You would be amazed what goes on behind the closed curtains of the UK where most assume neuro-typical domestic bliss.

I've born witness to many a story of acceptance and tolerance and, sadly, equally as many of intolerance and rejection.

The human capacity for both and to find ways in which to exist is quite extraordinary at times."

Maybe its as well we don't know. We all need to find a coping mechanism!

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