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Dating emotionally closed-off people

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By *ingert88 OP   Man
2 weeks ago

Huddersfield

I came out as gay at 29, and my friends and family were supportive — but I spent all my formative years hiding it. That’s left me with a lot of issues (gay grief, body insecurity, low confidence, all that stuff).

So my question is this, and please no overly positive “you’ll be fine!” replies: What’s the actual likelihood that you’d date someone who’s still hung up and emotionally damaged by their past?

I’m looking for honest answers, not sugar-coating.

I want to connect with someone, but I’m not sure how given how shut off I am; it kinda scares me.

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By *b20Man
2 weeks ago

Glasgow

I think everyone has specific insecurities for different reasons, yours are definitely real, ive spoken with people with similar thoughts in the past

It's really up to you to try and draw a line under your last and seriously commit to moving on

The one thing you have in your favour is most gay people are very accepting of others despite what you may think of your personal appearance or mindset

But its really up to you my friend to dig yourself out of the rut

I attend a gay man's social group once a month where there's no dating pressure but we do an activity then go for a drink and a chat, it's amazing to see that many people have the same insecurities as you

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By *excessMan
2 weeks ago

Sleaford


"I came out as gay at 29, and my friends and family were supportive — but I spent all my formative years hiding it. That’s left me with a lot of issues (gay grief, body insecurity, low confidence, all that stuff).

So my question is this, and please no overly positive “you’ll be fine!” replies: What’s the actual likelihood that you’d date someone who’s still hung up and emotionally damaged by their past?

I’m looking for honest answers, not sugar-coating.

I want to connect with someone, but I’m not sure how given how shut off I am; it kinda scares me."

You need therapy my friend.

You'll never be content in your relationships, and neither will your partner if you don't do something about it.

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By *erscumdumpMan
2 weeks ago

Watford

I wouldn't. Having been in a relationship where I had to be their saviour, it's tough. Like all relationships it's lovely for a few months. But it isnt a partnership, and is more likely to be a heavily-lopsided co-dependency. You'll want to be saved and validated, he will want to be worshipped. Once you're comfy with yourself you become a different person and you will leave becuase yout needs will change but his wont. He will probably become abusive to hang on to you. Thats the grim reality. If you're not ready for an emotional relationship please dont have one. Allow yourself time to experience life and grow into the person you are comfortable being. That confidence is what will attract the right people to you. Good luck.

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By *weddolMan
2 weeks ago

Chester

The positive thing is that you are aware of the issue. That, my friend, gives you a head start.

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By *agic.touchMan
2 weeks ago

Poole (central)

In your 30s you have the benefit of time as well as self awareness on your side. The truth is we ALL have hang ups and emotional insecurities from our pasts: just some issues are more devastating than others, and some people are more self aware than others.

Moving forward, as has been said, the right therapist(s) will help you on a journey of recovery. You can start to unpick the knots in the past so that you will be more confident, more self aware, and better able to recognise and handle your triggers.

Speaking from experience, it’s not really an option whether to get ‘emotionally involved’ or not. Sooner or later you will start to ‘catch feelings’ and ultimately we can’t choose whom we fall for! It may work out if you find someone securely attached who loves you for the right reasons.

It may not work out, but that too can be part of your journey of self discovery and maturity. As the late Queen said, Grief is the price we pay for love. We can heal and learn from grief. Better to experience grief than die inside from fear of connection.

Wishing you luck.

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By *ruemaleMan
2 weeks ago

notts


"In your 30s you have the benefit of time as well as self awareness on your side. The truth is we ALL have hang ups and emotional insecurities from our pasts: just some issues are more devastating than others, and some people are more self aware than others.

Moving forward, as has been said, the right therapist(s) will help you on a journey of recovery. You can start to unpick the knots in the past so that you will be more confident, more self aware, and better able to recognise and handle your triggers.

Speaking from experience, it’s not really an option whether to get ‘emotionally involved’ or not. Sooner or later you will start to ‘catch feelings’ and ultimately we can’t choose whom we fall for! It may work out if you find someone securely attached who loves you for the right reasons.

It may not work out, but that too can be part of your journey of self discovery and maturity. As the late Queen said, Grief is the price we pay for love. We can heal and learn from grief. Better to experience grief than die inside from fear of connection.

Wishing you luck."

Very good answer.

Me. I had no hang ups about my sexuality since I was a teenager but have experienced abuse etc in the past.

I was quite promiscuous early on and didn't settle into a ( now open) relationship ship untill my early thirties and still in that wonderful relationship.

I think keeping 5% of being arms length for myself helps as the above chap says, loving someone for a long time can eventually cause grief.

I am glad you are having responses from caring people on here so remember, you are not alone. Xx

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By *3versMan
2 weeks ago

glasgow

To quote RuPaul "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else!".

In all seriousness as someone has said seek therapy and sort out your own baggage before expecting someone else to take it on for you

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