FabGuys.com forum: Bad Dad jokes

By *eal daddy OP Man
11 weeks ago

London

Got a family meal tomorrow,m (first one after Christmas)

Anyone one got any bad dad jokes they could share for me to embarrass my grown up kids with.

Thanks in advance

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By *rownriverMan
11 weeks ago

Crawley

I was driving down the road when I noticed the surface was covered with emeralds, rubies and diamonds?

I think it was a jewel carriageway.

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By *uton JohnMan
11 weeks ago

Luton

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering

wheel attached to his crotch.

The bartender asks, "Hey Cap'n, what's with

that steering wheel there?"

"Yarrrrri," the pirate says, "it's driving me

nuts!"

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By *rownriverMan
11 weeks ago

Crawley

My daughter came up to me the other day and started colouring the top of my arm...

I think that she was just looking for a shoulder to crayon.

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By *rownriverMan
11 weeks ago

Crawley

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you, honey", she says.

"What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" she asks.

"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!"

"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

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By *teveb6969TV/TS
11 weeks ago

Worthing

A book fell on my head this morning.

I only have my shelf to blame

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By *rownriverMan
11 weeks ago

Crawley

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat...

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine!

Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

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By *eal daddy OP Man
11 weeks ago

London

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By *iBobOxonMan
11 weeks ago

Thame/Aylesbury

To the person who fly tipped their mattress into my front garden last week, I don’t know how people like you sleep at night.

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By *rownriverMan
10 weeks ago

Crawley

I asked the missus if the washing machine had shrunk my trousers, "No" she said "It was the fridge"

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By *entlad365Man
10 weeks ago

Dartford

[Removed by poster at 12/03/26 12:24:40]

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By *entlad365Man
10 weeks ago

Dartford

What cheese do you use to hide a horse?

Mascaponé

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By *ibblefishMan
10 weeks ago

louthish

Did you know that the marriage guidance service in Norfolk is called related?

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By *ffiMan
10 weeks ago

Edinburgh

Just been on the holiday of a lifetime….

Never again!!

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By *iPantiesMan
10 weeks ago

Louth

What did the cheese say when it saw its reflection in the mirror?

Halloumi

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By *iPantiesMan
10 weeks ago

Louth

How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?

Caerphilly

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By *eather_uktvTV/TS
10 weeks ago

Manchester

I've got a stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.

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By *rownriverMan
10 weeks ago

Crawley

T S Eliot

used the 'S'

Because otherwise his name written backwards is Toilet

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By *apt peteMan
10 weeks ago

Stamford

Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll.

Ken came in another box.

How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach.

It's not hard!!

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By *hiteroseMan
10 weeks ago

Neverwhere

I've just read a book about helium. I couldn't put it down.

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By *ammerhant420Man
10 weeks ago

Bromley, Kent

I had a book like that about antigravity.

Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?

A: A walk.

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By *tewartfoster1Man
10 weeks ago

Wolverhampton

What's the difference between a wife and a knife ?

The knife has a point.

Not really a dad joke but hey ho

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By *rownriverMan
10 weeks ago

Crawley

I went to a camera shop the other day to buy a pair of binoculars.

The manager saw me coming.

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By *opster77Man
10 weeks ago

Wantage

Superb thread : )

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By *ranform71Man
10 weeks ago

Hinckley

Two elephants fell off a cliff.

Boom boom.

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By *rownriverMan
10 weeks ago

Crawley

I started reading a book called "Exit Only", but I can't get in to it.

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By *lough97Man
10 weeks ago

Slough

What’s ET short for?

Because he’s only got little legs.

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By *orthwichMan
10 weeks ago

You can't beat a good drum.

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By *rownriverMan
10 weeks ago

Crawley

Got home to find l had a puncture. Guess I ran over that fork in the road.

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By *um dump meMan
10 weeks ago

Torquay

I keep hearing ticking when I leave my house. Apparently its just the neighbourhood watch

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By *um dump meMan
10 weeks ago

Torquay

Just got a new job at a bike factory, and joined the union. Im the new spokesman

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By *hagmenowplsMan
9 weeks ago

Hereford

Love them

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By *rownriverMan
9 weeks ago

Crawley

I built my ikea wardrobe in the car park and it would not fit in my car. That assembly point idea is stupid…

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By *eather_uktvTV/TS
9 weeks ago

Manchester

According to a recent survey, women who carry a little more weight tend to live longer than men, who mention it.

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By *rTongueTasticMan
9 weeks ago

Close_To_Chichester

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By *rownriverMan
9 weeks ago

Crawley

Went for dinner to an asparagus restaurant. I left the waiter a tip as I just couldn't finish the meal.

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By *iassloverMan
9 weeks ago

Rugby

What did one wall say to thr other wall?

I'll meet you at the corner

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk!

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By *lokenexdoor2025Man
9 weeks ago

Ludlow

"I built my ikea wardrobe in the car park and it would not fit in my car. That assembly point idea is stupid…"

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By *MB9Man
9 weeks ago

Northampton

Me and my girlfriend are trying for a baby.

Her mother's offered to help out.

Just until I get hard!

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By *eather_uktvTV/TS
9 weeks ago

Manchester

I asked what LGTBQ+ meant. But I couldn't get a straight answer.

I was sitting in my living room when suddenly a book fell on my head. Still, I've only got my shelf to blame.

If your kids are learning to drive, don't stand in their way.

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By *onDMan
9 weeks ago

Falkirk

Two cows standing in a field..

One says "Moooo"

The other says "Holy shit.. I was just gonna say the same thing"

Two sausages in a frying pan.

One says "Fuck me it's hot in here innit"

The other screams "Arrghh.. A talking sausage!!!"

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By *rownriverMan
8 weeks ago

Crawley

Charlotte Church is set to marry one of the Trumpton fire brigade.

They will be known as the Church-Pugh’s

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By *etterbiggerMan
8 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

I've had to pack in the tap dancing lessons

I kept falling in the sink

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By *rownriverMan
8 weeks ago

Crawley

I went to a ballet last night.

All those women dancing on their tip-toes.

Made me wonder why they didn't just find taller women.

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By *eefandfurMan
8 weeks ago

Edinburgh

Three men walk into a bar, they all ended up with a sore head the next day. ...It was an Iron bar.

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By *rownriverMan
8 weeks ago

Crawley

I've just got my Postgraduate Diploma in Plastic Surgery.

I'm now a Master of Disguise.

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By *ndsotobedMan
8 weeks ago

Towcester

I gave the rest of my pastry to two pigeons. Made me smile to think I filled two birds with one scone.

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By *rownriverMan
8 weeks ago

Crawley

I hear the F.A. are going to trial VAR 2 AI, which does away with a human referee. Well that's what a whistle blower told me....

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By *tone321Man
8 weeks ago

Newquay

Getting old sucks. Some woman goes to Dr and puts her on testosterone.

She calls me says hair is growing . He says it’s ok

She asks if it’s ok that it’s growing on her balls

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By *tone321Man
8 weeks ago

Newquay

You are spoiled for choice man! There are some right horrible tacky funny ones on here! Great post

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By *lokenexdoor2025Man
8 weeks ago

Ludlow

"I hear the F.A. are going to trial VAR 2 AI, which does away with a human referee. Well that's what a whistle blower told me...."

Subtle but funny

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By *addy7x6Man
8 weeks ago

High Wycombe

Guy walking through a park sees an old guy sitting on a bench sobbing.

He asks what the problem is. The old guy tells him he's just married his 19yo care nurse who lets him fuck her any time he likes.

"But that's really good isn't it?" the guy asks. "So why are you crying?"

“Ive forgotten where I live!"

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By *etterbiggerMan
8 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

A little girl is skipping through the forest with her basket of flowers. In a sunlit glade she sees a little old man with a long white beard and a pointy hat sitting on a toadstool with his head between his knees. Excuse me she says brightly, are you a goblin. No says the old man. I've got a headache, now fuck off

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By *k5707Man
8 weeks ago

Nottingham

Whats the difference with having a shit and having a shag,you don't have to cuddle a shit after you've laid it.

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By *k5707Man
8 weeks ago

Nottingham

2 Parrots sitting on a perch, one said to the other " can you smell fish"??

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By *rownriverMan
8 weeks ago

Crawley

- What did Sparticus say when the lion ate his wife?

- I don't know. What did he say?

- Nothing....he was Gladiator.

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By *ndsotobedMan
8 weeks ago

Towcester

In some countries women still can’t vote or drive. They tried to teach them . . .

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By *rownriverMan
8 weeks ago

Crawley

Legend says if you hold a petrol pump to your ears you can hear all the shareholders laughing at you!!..

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By *excessMan
8 weeks ago

Sleaford

Velcro

What a rip off!

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By *rownriverMan
8 weeks ago

Crawley

The Postman just knocked at the door, and asked me if i could sign for a parcel.

Poor lad must be deaf…

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By *dstefiMan
6 weeks ago

Solihull

I just thought one up (honest guv!)

What do you call a tax dodger who practices safe sex?

A non-dom in a condom

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By *upertedMan
6 weeks ago

Nelson

What do you call a French man wearing sandals...???

Felipe Flop

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By *rownriverMan
6 weeks ago

Crawley

I've been sacked from my job as a golf caddy. My golfer asked me for a sand wedge, so I can only assume he hates cheese and pickles!

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By *dstefiMan
6 weeks ago

Solihull

"What do you call a French man wearing sandals...???

Felipe Flop"

He's Spanish (or Portuguese?)

You meant his French cousin Philippe Flop

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By *ildwestheroMan
6 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

I got sacked from a PR job in a large DIY store. This dreadful woman came in with two unruly kids who were moving items about. I politely told them not to.

"what's the problem?" demanded the mother

"your twins are moving things about and they could ham themselves"

"what makes you think they are twins?" she snapped "one is 12 and the other 8"

"oh" I replied surprised "just amazed you managed to get get stupid bloke to have sex with you more than once!"

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By *ungusMan
6 weeks ago

gidea park/Ardleigh Green

What's round and laughts alot

A tickled onion

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By *ouisebottomMan
6 weeks ago

Greenford

Why does a golfer wear two pairs of boxers?

Incase he gets a hole in one

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By *leaser99Man
6 weeks ago

london

Guy goes into a pub and a monkey is sitting on the bar, man say why have you got a monkey on the bar? He does a great trick want to see it? man says yes,barman picks up a club smashes the monkey on the head and the monkey gives him a blow job, great isn't it says the barman?yes say the man,barman says do you want a go? Man says yes but don’t him me so fucking hard

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By *ildwestheroMan
5 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Son "Dad I've just lost my virginity"

Dad " Well done son. That's my boy. Chip off the old block eh. Come and sit down and tell me all about it"

Son "I'd rather stand if you don't mind. My arse is still sore"

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By *ootsockMan
4 weeks ago

Earl's Court, London

What do you call orange underwear?

Jaffa keks

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By *ridayguyMan
4 weeks ago

Cheshire

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don't open it, it's spam!

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By *rownriverMan
4 weeks ago

Crawley

My mate got caught shoplifting today in Boots,

he’s much faster in his trainers…

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By *azzlovesoldercockMan
4 weeks ago

North Ayrshire

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes????

Nothing you've already told her twice

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By *evanianMan
3 weeks ago

Gogledd Ddwyrain Cymru

I saw a guy in Canal Street wearing a suit made of mirrors, I could just see myself in that outfit!

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By *rownriverMan
3 weeks ago

Crawley

A friend suggested that I put horse manure on my strawberries. I'm not doing that again.

I'm going back to whipped cream.

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By *ildwestheroMan
3 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Girl on a date: 'I admit I slept with three guys before you came along'

Guy on the date 'Bloody hell! I was only 20 minutes late!'

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By *ildwestheroMan
3 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Chris: 'Lets form a band'

Ulrika: 'great idea'

Nick: 'What would we call ourselves?'

Tim: 'we could be like ABBA and use our initials'

Sarah: 'Not sure that's a good idea'

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By *rownriverMan
3 weeks ago

Crawley

That’s the last time I’m drinking Welsh beer. I kept wanting a leek during the night.

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By *ndsotobedMan
2 weeks ago

Towcester

Was smiling when I went to the pub. Barman asked why are you so happy?

I said a bloke was tied to the railway lines. I freed him and fucked him all night!

Barman asked if I’d gotten a blowjob? I said no, I didn’t find the head.

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By *hubbyGinger76Man
2 weeks ago

Halesowen

I tried to communicate with a dead window cleaner the other day.

I used a squeegee board

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By *arlos 0511Man
2 weeks ago

Manchester

There's an egg, a sausage and a piece of bacon all frying in a frying pan.

Suddenly the egg says "Jesus, it's freaking hot in here"

And the sausage thinks to itself *fuck me!.......a talking egg.

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By *etterbiggerMan
2 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

A guy walks into a bar

Could I have 12 whiskies lined up on the bar please.

The barman sets them up in a neat line.

One after another the guy downs each glass until he gets to the end.

Having finished he takes a deep breath.

Are we celebrating something sir asks the barman.

Yes says the guy, my first blow job.

In that case lets me get you one more on the house.

No thanks says the guy. If 12 whiskies won't take the taste away, I doubt one more would make much difference

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By *reddy1510Man
2 weeks ago

Preston

I met a blind guy the other week. He said I had the biggest penis ever.

I think he was pulling my leg.

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By *heerstockingsfem19TV/TS
2 weeks ago

Gloucester

Man walks into a shop and says I’d like to buy a wasp.

Well, we don’t sell wasps Sir

But you had one in the window yesterday.

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By *ndsotobedMan
2 weeks ago

Towcester

What’s the difference between an Indian and an African elephant? One of them is an elephant.

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By *dstefiMan
2 weeks ago

Solihull

"Was smiling when I went to the pub. Barman asked why are you so happy?

I said a bloke was tied to the railway lines. I freed him and fucked him all night!

Barman asked if I’d gotten a blowjob? I said no, I didn’t find the head."

Is GOL a thing? I just groaned out loud to that

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By *ildwestheroMan
1 week ago

Llandrindod Wells

Went and had a meal in a country pub after it had rave reviews in a local paper. Dismayed to find the place shabby and run-down. Staff were rude, the beer was like ditchwater and the food overcooked and tasteless.

The pub was called The Fiddle

It was a real vile inn.

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By *DC2000Man
1 week ago

Coningsby

"Chris: 'Lets form a band'

Ulrika: 'great idea'

Nick: 'What would we call ourselves?'

Tim: 'we could be like ABBA and use our initials'

Sarah: 'Not sure that's a good idea'"

It reminds me of the one: you've got to be careful when using acronyms, as the Cambridge University Netball Team discovered.

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By *rosperoMan
1 week ago

Skelmersdale

What do you call a Russian napkin?

A soviet

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By *addy7x6Man
5 days ago

High Wycombe

A duck walked into a bar, asked the barman for a pint. The barman was of course astonished.

"You can talk! But have you got any money?".

The duck opened a purse hanging round his neck, took out a fiver and put it on the bartop.

"I'm a plasterer - I earn good money — I use my wings to plaster walls".

The barman pointed at a poster on the wall opposite advertising a circus in town. "You could earn very good money with them!"

The duck asked "What's a circus?".

The barman explained it was a big canvas tent where acrobats, clowns and some animals entertained a paying crowd,and they'd pay him good money tto work there.

The duck replied "OK, but if it's in a tent, what do they need a plasterer for?"

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By *etterbiggerMan
5 days ago

Scunthorpe

If you have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand. What do you have.

Complete control over the incredible hulk

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By *opster77Man
4 days ago

Wantage

"I met a blind guy the other week. He said I had the biggest penis ever.

I think he was pulling my leg. "

PMSL

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