FabGuys.com forum: Quandary

By *DCambs OP Man
3 weeks ago

Cambridge

Please be kind!

My husband died earlier this month and I'm trying to write the eulogy for his funeral, just over a week away.

My quandary is this. He was married when he met me 32 years ago and he left her for me. His two kids were already adults by then and there has been minimal contact over the years. His daughter has never spoken to him, although his son-in-law did occasionally. He saw his son 2, maybe 3 times in the intervening years. I contacted both the son and son-in-law several months ago to say if they wanted to have a meaningful visit with him they should do it sooner rather than later (my husband had Parkinson's and Dementia). Both declined - too much water under the bridge, yadda, yadda.

Apparently, his son has decided to come to the funeral, which sort of feels too little too late to me, although friends have suggested it will give him some sort of closure, so, I will make him very welcome.

I'm just wondering what the hell to say in the eulogy about his married/family life before he met me. I don't want to gloss over it as if it never happened or meant nothing. But a long standing friend of my late husband, who was best man at his wedding, said that they all knew that Ray was gay and they should never have let him go through with it. But it was the early 1960s, still illegal and possibly his own parents or wife to be thought that getting married would sort him out.

Any bright ideas or sensible suggestions?

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By *moother1Man
3 weeks ago

Port Talbot

You need to talk about the person, his achievements, his love, your relationship and all the positive things you both shared. Talk about the places you visited and his career. To be honest your duty is to talk about his life and what a good person he was to you and all your friends. You don’t have to follow the standard formula. If the family decides to turn up then that their choice, as you say too little, too late. Don’t let them affect your eulogy and what he meant to you. Show to them the love you both had and happiness you shared. I’m sure this is a really difficult time for you, but keep strong and concentrate on the good times you both had.

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By *om51Man
3 weeks ago

edinburgh

Firstly, I’m sorry for your loss, which sounds heartbreaking and has undoubtedly left you bereft. Time will help. Secondly, it’s a good thing that you are considering a truthful eulogy to reflect his real life, which was likely based on love and truth. It’s hard to pick the words, and you don’t need to unpack everything in the need to make a point to those who became estranged thru choice. If at least one will be present, maybe you could simply emphasise the good things and say that life is sometimes tricky and that he loved and was loved till the end. You might also simply put your query thru AI to ask for guidance on the eulogy. I’ve recently found that a good way to get a form of words. Good luck.

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By *oxleyMan
3 weeks ago

Wetherby

As guys have said, bring his life together and celebrate it, but use technology to help you.

Gather all your points and info and fire it into ChatGPT.

It is free, you can tweak after the first draft.

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By *acingfanMan
3 weeks ago

Huddersfield

Maybe you could run whatever you come up with past his son? I'm sure that Ray wouldn't have wanted his children to be upset or offended.

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By *andinmypantsMan
3 weeks ago

North London

Ask his son if he would like to write part of the eulogy which covers the family years.

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By *DCambs OP Man
3 weeks ago

Cambridge

"Ask his son if he would like to write part of the eulogy which covers the family years. "

Good point. At least if I ask him and he declines, then I've at least shown willing.

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By *DCambs OP Man
3 weeks ago

Cambridge

"Maybe you could run whatever you come up with past his son? I'm sure that Ray wouldn't have wanted his children to be upset or offended. "

👍

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By *elljelMan
3 weeks ago

clacton/harlow

I’m so sorry for your loss- losing a long term partner/husband must be devastating

My advice would be to focus on a happy memory you both shared - one that really stands out to you , you don’t need to please everyone in the room , the ones who love you will be listening & supportive- I had to speak at my mums funeral as everyone else declined- they can speak about their memories- this is your message to him

Best of luck with the ceremony- it will go past so quickly- just speak from your heart ❤️

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By *3versMan
3 weeks ago

glasgow

I'd first describe him as your partner/husband whatever you referring to him as, and then a father to x,y,z and thank any of them present for attending and leaving it at that.

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By *oungWantedMan
3 weeks ago

Newcastle - Throckley

You could open with the Sydney University disclaimer

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By *xmareMan
3 weeks ago

Norwich

Agree with involving the son in some way. I became estranged from my father and didn't go to his funeral and perhaps empathise with the son, who may have had to overcome some major unease about attending. Make sure he doesn't hate you on the day.

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By *DCambs OP Man
3 weeks ago

Cambridge

"Agree with involving the son in some way. I became estranged from my father and didn't go to his funeral and perhaps empathise with the son, who may have had to overcome some major unease about attending. Make sure he doesn't hate you on the day."

I don't think he'll hate me on the day. I'm the one who reached out to him when his dad had stopped trying and he was appreciative. I think it was his mum who probably stopped any contact with his dad, possibly threatening, "if you're talking to him, you're against me", pure conjecture but highly likely (and I get that she was very wounded by it all).

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By (user no longer on site)
2 weeks ago

Firstly, my condolences. I hope you have people around you to help you through this difficult time, I’m sure you do.

I am posting this as I attended a funeral last week under remarkably similar circumstances. The widow wrote a eulogy focussing on their time together, and what her husband meant to her. She invited the children from his first marriage to write their own eulogy and to speak if they would like to. The eldest son chose to do so, while the others declined. Not all of them were in attendance.

Had they all declined, I think my friend would have been perfectly correct to give the eulogy she did without mentioning his first marriage or his children. If you give his son the opportunity to speak, you have done more than enough for his father’s life before you to be part of the service. It’s entirely up to his son whether or not that part of his life is represented on the day. Personally I don’t feel it’s your responsibility, but I totally understand your quandary. It only goes to show what a decent chap you are.

Whatever happens, I hope the day isn’t too painful and you are surrounded by love and support. Please take care of yourself and go gently through this difficult period.

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By *un48Man
2 weeks ago

Ickleford

"Ask his son if he would like to write part of the eulogy which covers the family years. "

Great idea. Condolences on your loss man.

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By *opster77Man
2 weeks ago

Oxfordshire

Sorry for your loss and my condolences.

Firstly, try a few times to approach the family.

In your eulogy, write it chronologically with keeping love and family as a theme. He has a family that he loved but then he had a new partner. I’d suggest they had his best years and you tended him in his later years with any ailments. But try to inject some appropriate humorous recollections.

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By *DCambs OP Man
2 weeks ago

Cambridge

"Sorry for your loss and my condolences.

Firstly, try a few times to approach the family.

A sound approach, thank-you.

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By *ustOneBearMan
2 weeks ago

Neath

I had to do something similar. I did ask if they wanted to say something but got no response.

His ex wife and kids turned up but just to be disruptive. She was telling people loudly that she wished him dead so got her wish. They were cackling loudly throughout.

So I said he had a family with two children. I talked about his life with me. His friends. She just sat and glared the whole time.

It’s about you and him. Ask if they want to contribute. If they don’t. Just say what he meant to you and others.

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By *IPMANMan
2 weeks ago

West London

Family funerals are worse than weddings, especially after the Service when the alcohol starts taking effect

I do hope that on this occasion, everyone behaves with dignity or stays away.. at my Mother's funeral I had to deal not only with her ex daughter in law, but also an ex son in law.

In addition one of my paternal Aunts remarked that as my Mother was a widow she should been referred to in her maiden name...

How weird can people get ?

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