Reopened my account here - running away I suppose, as it seems what i desire and hope to find in a relationship, might not exist. And that I just don't fit in the gay lifestyle, or that I can't compromise on some of the basics, which I would outline as emotionally mature and healthy? (Plus my specific sexual bent, as described below, doesn't make it any easier?)
I know we are all wounded and broken to some degree, but anyone taking responsibility to heal and grow, with grace ... can in itself in a loving relationship, be healing? Where openly sharing weaknesses (which already show) and being emotionally available, can open up and even DRAW one man's heart to care for and love EVEN MORE, a man fully for who and what he is. In all his beautiful imperfections and goodness. THIS is what I hope to find, another man looking for his best friend, partner and lover.
My brokenness is I can flake, and or be duplicitous. My objective is to find this man described, and let go. To find a level of trust, and to meet and then live that imperfect life of commitment and work of a relationship. Each time i have been on here for a bit, as I did years ago in the bars, in person, leave me saddened, or somewhat creeped out and I give up. So the duplicity is me looking for a LTR, yet willing to fantasize here with a man i am interested in, in a chat or on a video call.
I will not ever do a sexual hookup. A date, a coffee, I have done, in a public place. But I am susceptible to being naive and seduced, with a man who seemingly hits my buttons. Only to discover quite a bit of pain, and disappointment. so I am kinda a flake, but not in real life, if and when chatting here leads to meeting in person. I have had stocking situations and have additional reasons to protect my privacy, and open only very slowly as we both might learn who we each are.
So here I am again. I posted both the "ads" I posted previously below as they each contain elements not said in the other. IF that is too much to read, here's a short summary of what I hope to seek, and to be.
SUMMARY ATTEMPT:
Seeking a man with father figure tendencies - in the mold of a genuine loving man who is kind, gentle, strong, protective, joyful, passionate and loyal, who wants to take a more often guiding leading role towards a man who can reciprocate this care as best friends, partners and lovers with a strong dad son dynamic, particularly in the bedroom.
POSTED 1:
I'm inexperienced sorta, out to bars before over 20 years ago and was pursed by many, but lied to and seduced. nothing was real with so many games and deception, or with a sexuality that I found unloving, objectifying and disturbing. So I went back into closet dealing with my own brokenness growing up, and focused on being a help and good friend to others, in non sexual ways. But I find myself now, so lonely, and wanting more with one man who can love and receive love.
So. I'm trying this again online and scared, uneasy. Please be patient. Looking for a good teacher. I'm a pretty aggressive guy in business and take charge. And probably would be so this way sometimes in the bedroom, but no question, I am weird too, broken I guess, and I secretly always long for an older masculine man, a kind and gentle father figure type to pursue me and be aggressive with me wanting to be with me, to talk or just be in the same room with me, to be close, to hold hands, to be playful with, and really wants to be intimate in everything with me, to do everything he would ever want to do with me sexually, him, being the aggressor most of the time.
My sense now, not really having allowed myself to go all the way sexually, tho I am certain from my little experience with girls kissing in the far and distant past, that I am passionate sexually, romantic, intimate and love to kiss, cuddle and of course so much more.
But I imagine before and after making love with a man, a dad, while holding each other and starring into your eyes, touching your face, licking your ears neck (and your tongue on me too here and there) and playing with our tongues, licking and just loving over my dad. I imagine I could do this for hours. And it's likely sometimes I might cry, especially in the beginning?
In and out of the bedroom. I am attracted to good, kind, masculine men who are taller than me, husky big hairy men, who are muscular to chubby to fat versus men who are slim or skinny. (Yet my physical descriptions here, my attractions can move about here, based on a man and who he is.)
POSTED 2:
I'm attracted to an emotionally healthy man who has a generally positive outlook towards life and people.
(In particular, I want someone who can assess reality in the sense of being a critical thinker, using logic and reason. Recognizing human weaknesses with kindness and patience, and not generally cynical, and or someone who is destructively critical and sarcastically unkind.)
I'm attracted to a regular guy who is playful, fun and joyful who is bigger than me, stocky, aggressively (in a certain "vanilla" sense) while always gentle, kind, loving and patient.
I do want to experience this in a committed man to man, best friend, partner, lover sense, but I too know this may often present itself in the form of you dad, and me son dynamic?
I too can reciprocate the strength, the encouragement and a protective devotion and love, but from an "emotional loving man, but son position too?" (Which I'm having difficulty to explain?)
So Dad types, men with a brute strength who tend to lead, to teach in a nurturing Father figure position, with a masculine type of gentleness? Well. That kills me. It melts my heart.
No twink here, stocky, husky boy. Women always interested in me romantically, and say I'm attractive, But I clearly aint no Brad Pitt. Called masculine and butch by gays years ago, but women have often said they are attracted to my manly take charge thing, but they like most a sometimes boyish charm in me too? Facial hair. Somewhat hairy on chest, but light hair on arms, legs. Blue eyes.
I'm faithful, friendly, inexperienced, strong but sometimes wounded, loyal and loving son here WITH lots of love and affectionate and attention to give to another big hearted man.
