Discreet, hung top. No accom. Looking to breed, use you, and leave you dripping
TO WHOM IT MAY SOMETIMES CONCERN (BUT NOT ALWAYS… UNLESS YOU’RE INTO THAT KIND OF THING), BY READING THIS MESSAGE, GLANCING AT MY PROFILE, THINKING ABOUT IT TOO HARD (OR FROM BEHIND), OR ACCIDENTALLY LIKING A POST FROM 2013 WHILE DAYDREAMING ABOUT BUM HOLES, YOU HEREBY AGREE TO THE FOLLOWING TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF COMPLETE AND UTTER NONSENSE (WITH A WINK AND A NOD TOWARD SOME BACKDOOR FUN): YOU ARE STRICTLY FORBIDDEN FROM: • COPYING, PASTING, SCREEN-SHOTTING, MEME-IFYING, EMOJI-REACTING, OR SPIRITUALLY ABSORBING ANY CONTENT FROM THIS PAGE—UNLESS IT INVOLVES A SLY REFERENCE TO PROBING THE DEPTHS OF MY BUM HOLE HUMOR. • SUMMONING ME VIA OUIJA BOARD, TAGGING ME IN PYRAMID SCHEME POSTS, OR SLIDING INTO MY DMs WITH UNSOLICITED BUM HOLE INQUIRIES (THOUGH IF IT’S A GAY SEX INNUENDO, I MIGHT CONSIDER A REPLY). • JUDGING MY 2 A.M. SNACK DECISIONS, LOW-RES SELFIES, SUSPICIOUS NUMBER OF PIGEON PHOTOS, OR MY OCCASIONAL FANTASIES ABOUT A WELL-LUBED GAY ROMP INVOLVING CREATIVE BUM HOLE EXPLORATIONS. FURTHERMORE, YOU MAY NOT USE THIS PROFILE IN A COURT OF LAW, FAMILY BBQ, GROUP CHAT, REALITY TV SHOW, DURING MERCURY RETROGRADE, OR AS LUBE FOR YOUR NEXT GAY SEX ADVENTURE—THAT’S JUST TACKY. THIS PAGE CONTAINS CONFIDENTIAL, POTENTIALLY MAGICAL, AND POSSIBLY HAUNTED INFORMATION (COMPLETE WITH HIDDEN BUM HOLE EASTER EGGS AND SUBTLE GAY SEX VIBES), AND TAMPERING WITH IT WILL RESULT IN ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING: • AN ANGRY RACCOON DELIVERED TO YOUR PLACE OF WORK, POSSIBLY WITH A NOTE SAYING “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU IGNORE BUM HOLE ETIQUETTE.” • BEING HAUNTED BY MY WEIRD SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS, INCLUDING THAT ONE TRACK ABOUT GAY SEX THAT HITS JUST RIGHT IN THE REAR. • GETTING TELEPATHICALLY YELLED AT BY MY NAN, WHO MIGHT THROW IN A FEW TIPS ON SAFE BUM HOLE PLAY FOR GOOD MEASURE. UNDER ARTICLE 51, SECTION 9000 OF THE UNITED FEDERATION OF INTERNET LAWS (UFIL)—WHICH, LET’S BE HONEST, SOUNDS LIKE IT COULD BE A GAY SEX POSITION—I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO ACT DRAMATICALLY, SEND STRONGLY WORDED EMAILS IN COMIC SANS, OR SLIP IN SOME CHEEKY BUM HOLE REFERENCES DURING CONVERSATIONS. VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF IMAGINARY LAW, AND POSSIBLY MILDLY SCOLDED IN PUBLIC WHILE I DROP HINTS ABOUT GAY SEX INNUENDOS THAT’LL MAKE YOU BLUSH FROM BEHIND. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. AND ALSO MILDLY ENTERTAINED. HOPEFULLY. OR AT LEAST AROUSED IN A CONFUSING WAY.
