FabGuys.com forum: Terrible Jokes continues

By *astDevonGuy OP Man
over a year ago

Seaton

Mummy can I lick the bowl clean ?

No , flush it like everyone else does

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
over a year ago

Llandrindod Wells

Sadly Joe is killed in an horrendous accident that leaves his corpse disfigured. His two best mates, Sean and Jack are called in to identify him.

Sean says 'Roll him over' and then shakes his head and says 'That's not Joe'

Sean says exactly the same after the corpse is rolled over.

'Are you certain?' askes the mortician

'Yes' they both say 'This body only has one arsehole but Joe had two'

'Really' says the mortician astounded 'How do you know'

'Well' says Sean 'whenever the three of us went anywhere together people would say "Here comes Joe with the two arseholes" '

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eather_uktvTV/TS
over a year ago

Manchester

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet.

The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa,

the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I

pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon

it'll calm me down."

"And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and

trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the

carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in

my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the

cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything

I see.

"Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to

dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and

started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance.

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
over a year ago

Llandrindod Wells

What do you call a sex maniac who has been evicted from their house?

A homelesssexual

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *uularTV/TS
over a year ago

Great Abington

Two fish in a tank. One says the the other, "Bet you didn't know I could drive one of these!"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So I was flying a kite today and some guy came up and asked "You flying a kite?"

I blinked and replied, with a straight face "Nope, I'm fishing for birds!"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *addy7x6Man
over a year ago

High Wycombe

Had to take my dog to the vet to have him put down.

Friend asked me "Was he mad?"

I replied that I was sure he was none too pleased about it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whenever I think of the 80's I always think about those ghetto blasters. But that is just a stereotype.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ockswallower123Man
over a year ago

Hinckley

I was having Sunday dinner when my wife rushed to the window looking horrified!

" There's three men beating up my mother in the street!

Are you going to help? "..

I looked out the window.." no I think they can manage!"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My window cleaner was banging on my windows swearing and shouting, I thought to myself he’s lost his rag.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ecretbottom42Man
over a year ago

herne bay

Man walks into a fancy dress party just in his boxers and there is a compare introducing everyone.

Compare asks man in his boxers what he has come as?

He replies I've come as premature ejaculation. The compare says "I can't say that" to which the man replies "well tell everyone I have come in my pants"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw the mother in law today, and she told me she has been looking into her family past and discovered she had Viking ancestors, I said, "I always thought you had the face of a Norse"!..

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *uddyfunGuyMan
over a year ago

Monaghan

Why does a Dog lick it's Balls?

Because it can

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *haneportsMan
over a year ago

portsmouth

My mother in law entered the ugliest personal competition at Butlins.

The compère refused her saying “No professionals!”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Running on a treadmill really gets you no where.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *onyblueMan
22 weeks ago

horley

My mate set me upon a blind date, he said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She’s expecting a baby".

I felt a right idiot turning up at the pub in a diaper !!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ophie_GTV/TS
22 weeks ago

Gainsborough

Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club

It was "Open Mike Night"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *lokenexdoor2025Man
22 weeks ago

Ludlow

"Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club

It was "Open Mike Night""

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *appychappy12345Man
22 weeks ago

Warrington

Two snow men in a field..one says to the others can you smell carrots?"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *i_guy_WBayMan
22 weeks ago

Whitley Bay

What’s a pirates favourite letter??

You might think it be R but his first love will always be the C

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ollo007Man
22 weeks ago

Pontefract

How do you know that your sister is on her period? Your dad's cock tastes of blood... Sorry!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ophie_GTV/TS
22 weeks ago

Gainsborough

I took the shell off my racing snail the other day to make it more streamlined......

Now it's a bit sluggish

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *iPasserMan
22 weeks ago

bangor

Some parents take their little 5 year old girl and their puppy to play in the park.

As they watch the little girl throw the ball for the puppy, the ball rolls towards a sweet looking old lady who picks it up. The girl runs over to the old lady to retrieve the ball and the old lady hands it to her saying,

"Here you are, my dear. My, youre a beautiful little thing, aren't you, What's your name?"

"Blossom." replies the little girl.

"Oh what a lovely and unusual name! How did you come to be called Blossom?"

"Well my mummy over there just had me from her belly when she was in hoppital and then she was nursing me for the first ever time and then a cherry blossom blew in the open window and landed on her bed and she took it as a sign and called me Blossom."

"Well that's a wonderful story!" exclaims the old dear, "Any what's your puppy's name?"

"He's called Porky." say the little girl.

"That's a funny name for a dog," say the old lady, "Why's he called that?"

"Because he fucks pigs." replies the girl.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *onyblueMan
22 weeks ago

horley

"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action." "Listen Honey," "If you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
22 weeks ago

Paddy comes home from work to find his wife propping up her washing machine on one side with 2 bricks......"what the feck are you doing?" asks Paddy..

His wife replies "doing the washing at 30 degrees you thick bastard'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
22 weeks ago

Local man who refused to pay his TV licence tells BBC to fuck off... And says his TV set identifies as a microwave oven

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
22 weeks ago

The wife said turn that bedside lamp off and I'll let you stick it up my ass! To be fair I should have let the bulb cool down first!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
22 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Grandma reached 100 yesterday. That's the last time I lend her my car when she's late for bingo.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *onyblueMan
21 weeks ago

horley

I went to see the doctor today, I told him I think I’ve got alcoholic constipation. He said “what makes you think that?….I said………” I can’t pass a pub”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
21 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Interviewer: 'Can you perform under pressure?'

Interviewee: 'No. But I once sang Bohemian Rhapsody at my local pub's karaoke night'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *etterbiggerMan
21 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

I rang in work to report sick

What's wrong with you they asked

I've got anal blindness

What the heck is that

I can't see my arse getting out of this bed anytime soon

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *utcock61Man
21 weeks ago

glasgow

Brilliant.lol.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ophie_GTV/TS
21 weeks ago

Gainsborough

I was sacked from my job in the bank.

A lady walked in and asked me to check her balance....... I pushed her over

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *lindfold subMan
21 weeks ago

Reading

"I was sacked from my job in the bank.

A lady walked in and asked me to check her balance....... I pushed her over"

🤣🤣🤣

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *iscreetfun2024Man
21 weeks ago

belfast

What's e.t short for ?

extraterrestre !

No cos he got wee legs

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *opster77Man
20 weeks ago

Wantage

Great thread!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rTongueTasticMan
20 weeks ago

Close_To_Chichester

"I rang in work to report sick

What's wrong with you they asked

I've got anal blindness

What the heck is that

I can't see my arse getting out of this bed anytime soon "

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eepeter4Man
20 weeks ago

Bournemouth

Neighbour 1 says did you hear someone singing do you want me in gang my band and I am a leader.

Neighbour 2 replies Don't tell me David Lammy as released Gary Glitter from prison by mistake

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *onyblueMan
20 weeks ago

horley

"Neighbour 1 says did you hear someone singing do you want me in gang my band and I am a leader.

Neighbour 2 replies Don't tell me David Lammy as released Gary Glitter from prison by mistake "

The ministry of justice has a adopted the motto 'better out than in'.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *im le2Man
20 weeks ago

aylestone leic

"Why does a Dog lick it's Balls?

Because it can

Why does a dog lick it's balls?

Mmmm have you ever tasted a dogs balls.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *onyblueMan
20 weeks ago

horley

I'm heading to Greenwich later today.

Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
20 weeks ago

why does it take 3 women with pmt to change a light bulb....because it fucking does!! ok?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *onyblueMan
20 weeks ago

horley

I told a joke about a cottage but it wasn’t quite up to thatch.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
20 weeks ago

what did frankenstines monster want for his birthday? an adjustable wrench,incase his nuts came loose

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *artina DollybirdTV/TS
20 weeks ago

Midhurst

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other.

Ilene

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *onyblueMan
20 weeks ago

horley

I've been drawing curtains my entire life.

And I still don't have my own exhibition.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *teveb6969TV/TS
20 weeks ago

Worthing

How many psychiatrist's does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has got to want to change!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *onyblueMan
20 weeks ago

horley

Went to the doctors and he advised me to make sure I have my 5 fruit and veg each day. So my 5 a day are:

1 carrot

2 Apple (tart)

3 banana (fritters)

4 Rhubarb (crumble)

5 strawberry (ice cream)

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ollo007Man
20 weeks ago

Pontefract

What's the worst way for your parents to find out that you're gay? John Wayne Gacey!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *onyblueMan
20 weeks ago

horley

A man was attending a big convention in Chicago and decided to bring his wife along for a little getaway.

When they arrived at the hotel, he told her, “You relax here—I’m going to register for the event. I’ll be back in about an hour.”

She kicked off her shoes and lay down on the bed to rest.

Suddenly—WHOOSH!—a train thundered by so close that the entire room shook, and she was literally tossed off the bed.

A bit rattled but thinking it must’ve been a fluke, she climbed back onto the bed.

Moments later—WHOOSH!—another train roared past, and once again, she was launched onto the floor.

Now totally annoyed, she called the front desk and demanded to speak to the manager.

When he arrived, she explained the situation. Skeptical, he said, “That sounds a bit… unusual.”

She insisted, “No, really! Lie on the bed and wait—you’ll see for yourself!”

So the manager lies down on the bed, waiting.

Right at that moment, the husband walks back in and sees the hotel manager lying next to his wife.

His eyes narrow. “What the heck is going on here?!”

The manager sits up, flustered, and blurts out,

“Sir… would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *art8Man
20 weeks ago

Cheshire

I'm sure my wife has bird flu.

She started talking shit and can't park the car

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *appy hammerMan
20 weeks ago

Peterborough

Apparently Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving head. The super colour fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious

Ill get my coat

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *havvybritneyTV/TS
20 weeks ago

london - near Finsbury park

What do you call a Russian with a cold?

Nastikov

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *arry999Man
20 weeks ago

Lowestoft

"Apparently Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving head. The super colour fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious

Ill get my coat"

Brilliant

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oopedMan
20 weeks ago

Dunfermline

What's the difference between me and an egg?

An egg gets laid

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ollo007Man
20 weeks ago

Pontefract

"Apparently Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving head. The super colour fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious

Ill get my coat"
. A mint coloured octopus with a moustache keeps washing the dishes for me! I did a little search to see if anyone else has encountered this. Apparently lots of people have and it's known as a "pale green hairy lipped squid"!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
19 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Is becoming a vegetarian a missed steak?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *elissatightsloverTV/TS
19 weeks ago

plymouth

When I die I want to be buried with my records......it will be my vinyl resting place

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *unjoMan
19 weeks ago

london

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop.

Dr Dre

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ral b..Man
19 weeks ago

What do we want..

" hearing aids"

When do we want 'em...

" hearing aids".

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rownriverMan
19 weeks ago

horley

Household Fuel bills are set to fall, after passing through letter boxes.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ndsotobedMan
19 weeks ago

Towcester

It’s windy enough out there to blow a Man Utd fan off his sister

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ndrew47Man
19 weeks ago

Southampton

What’s the latest chat up line at the gay bar ?

Would you like me to push your stool in !

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *tephanie9090TV/TS
19 weeks ago

Bishop

What's green and smells ?

Kermits bum...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *opster77Man
19 weeks ago

Wantage

"When I die I want to be buried with my records......it will be my vinyl resting place"

Superb!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *aulie666Man
19 weeks ago

Bristol

Did you hear about the new Vi?gr? eye-drops? Apparently they make you look hard.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *etterbiggerMan
19 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

A guy goes to a pub. Buys a beer, has a sip and goes to the toilet.

Seconds later he is back looking flustered.

What kind of a place is this?

What's wrong asks the barman

There's a guy bent over the sink. There's a guy behind him fucking him up the arse.

Then there's a guy behind the second guy doing him up the bum as well!

The guy in the middle. Is he tall and slim looking with red hair?

Yes says the guy

He's a jammy git says the barman. He won the meat raffle at the weekend too

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *entlad365Man
19 weeks ago

Dartford

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
19 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

About time Avocados came up with some new toys inside. So far I've collected 56 small wooden balls that are too small for cricket or croquet and not even suitable for golf

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *tagman6930Man
18 weeks ago

Twickenham

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth

And then it becomes a soap opera.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ust4inchesMan
18 weeks ago

Shrewsbury

"Apparently Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving head. The super colour fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious

Ill get my coat. A mint coloured octopus with a moustache keeps washing the dishes for me! I did a little search to see if anyone else has encountered this. Apparently lots of people have and it's known as a "pale green hairy lipped squid"!"

I think that should have been “mild green ..” 🤣

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *andall_FlaggMan
18 weeks ago

Glasgow

Billy and Boaby pals in their 60's are sitting in the pub talking about their wives

Billy says: we still go at it lije rabbits every night

Boaby: you lucky bastard, I only get it once a month, I call it Bruce Lee night

Billy: why Bruce Lee night?

Boaby: cause thats when I enter the dragon

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *uck me in KentMan
18 weeks ago

Medway

Had the worst day ever. I paid a joiner to build me a double bed and he's done a bunk.

It's just one thing on top of another.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *uck me in KentMan
18 weeks ago

Medway

I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation. He said "it must be very stressful for your wife?" I said "to be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits!"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *uck me in KentMan
18 weeks ago

Medway

Just finished reading an excellent book called

"Fights on a Narrowboat"

by R.G. Bargee

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rownriverMan
18 weeks ago

horley

My aunt Mavis has just retired after 30 years. In spite of not being able to read or write she was high up in Scotland Yard. She was the cleaner on the 18th floor.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *iBobOxonMan
18 weeks ago

Thame/Aylesbury

"I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation. He said "it must be very stressful for your wife?" I said "to be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits!""

Ha ha !

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *lowSubMan
18 weeks ago

Northampton

"Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet.

The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa,

the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I

pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon

it'll calm me down."

"And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and

trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the

carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in

my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the

cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything

I see.

"Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to

dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and

started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance.

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

Don't you just LOVE Great Danes..

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
18 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Tampax are replacing the string on a tampon with a piece of tinsel. But for the Christmas period only.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *elissatightsloverTV/TS
18 weeks ago

plymouth

What do you get if you cross goats dna and human death?

Kicked out of the petting zoo

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ndsotobedMan
17 weeks ago

Towcester

A lot of gays stay in the closet because they’re interested in fashion

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *anformeMan
17 weeks ago

notts

Had a letter from the undertakers.

If I don't pay the last installment on the mother in law.

Up she comes

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *anformeMan
17 weeks ago

notts

How many gays does it take to change a light bulb.

FOUR

One to change the bulb and three to scream FAAABULOUSSSSS.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ojanglesMan
17 weeks ago

mk41

There was a program about the clitoris on tv the other night the announcer said press the red button for the life of me i couldn’t find it

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *westMan
17 weeks ago

Hull

I used to be a member of a local chess club but I had to leave as I felt I was just a pawn in their game.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ldmagic4uMan
17 weeks ago

Clevedon

Women in a pub said to me, come outside & I will show you a good time.

She ran 100 meters down the street in 10.02 seconds.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *haneportsMan
17 weeks ago

portsmouth

A guy walks into a bar. He's in his hospital gown & still attached to his drip that hes dragged in with him.

"Barman. I'll have a Guinness & a double whisky please?"

"Coming right up sir."

The patient downs the drinks in a few gulps. Then says "Barman, I shouldn't be in here with what I've got."

Looking worried the barman asks "Why, what have you got?"

"No money!"

I'd get my coat but it left before me.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eepeter4Man
17 weeks ago

Bournemouth

"How many gays does it take to change a light bulb.

FOUR

One to change the bulb and three to scream FAAABULOUSSSSS. "
👇👇👇

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *anformeMan
17 weeks ago

notts

"Neighbour 1 says did you hear someone singing do you want me in gang my band and I am a leader.

Neighbour 2 replies Don't tell me David Lammy as released Gary Glitter from prison by mistake "

🤮 🤮 👎 👎 👎

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *raggahboyMan
17 weeks ago

stoke

A seasonal joke Father outside I dont give a fxxx who you are Get those bloody reindeer off my solar panels Dont you know they cost a fortune!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eepeter4Man
17 weeks ago

Bournemouth

"Neighbour 1 says did you hear someone singing do you want me in gang my band and I am a leader.

Neighbour 2 replies Don't tell me David Lammy as released Gary Glitter from prison by mistake

🤮 🤮 👎 👎 👎"
👇👇👇

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ttmcdguyTV/TS
17 weeks ago

"What's green and smells ?

Kermits bum..."

What’s green and smells of bacon ?

Kermit’s finger

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *iglad1973Man
17 weeks ago

Ashington

Xnas star wars joke

Xnas day in the Skywalkers house hold.

Luke is getting excited as its Xmas day wondering what he is getting for Christmas.

His dad appears (Darth Vadour) and with his deep voice and heavy breathing says

Luke I know what your getting for Christmas I felt your presence

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *arcusUK2Man
17 weeks ago

Winchester

"How many gays does it take to change a light bulb.

FOUR

One to change the bulb and three to scream FAAABULOUSSSSS. 👇👇👇"

How many CDs does it take to change a light bulb?

It can't be done, they spend all the time arguing how on earth they're going to get the light right for their photos.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ornyoldfellaMan
17 weeks ago

Thornton-Cleveleys

I phoned the local Chinese last night .

A guy answered and said, hi I'm Wan kin the chef .

I said no worries mate I'll call back later .

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ojanglesMan
17 weeks ago

mk41

A d*unk guy comes out of the pub and decides to get in his car and drives home

He puts it in reverse and smashes straight into the car parked behind he puts it in first gear obliterated the garden and the flower pots pulled out narrowly missing on coming traffic speeds up hit the traffic cones doesn’t see the roundabout ahead of him hitting the central resovation the car spins out of control and lands on its roof he manages to get out unscathed a copper has been following him all the way and says to the man

Excuse me sir have you been drinking

The man replied well have of course I have what do you think I am a fuckin stuntman

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rTongueTasticMan
17 weeks ago

Close_To_Chichester

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *evanianMan
17 weeks ago

Gogledd Ddwyrain Cymru

Totally unbelievable!! Is no legend sacred in this day and age?? . . . . .

It's now suggested that when Good King Wenceslas looked out he wasn't too impressed with the Feast of Stephen, historical evidence from Pizza Express alleges that he ordered a Deep-pan.... crisp and even! 🫣

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ttmcdguyTV/TS
16 weeks ago

"Had a letter from the undertakers.

If I don't pay the last installment on the mother in law.

Up she comes"

Pay it fkin quick !

There’s a chance she might not be as dead as you 1st thought! And there’s that outsider chance of resurrection!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *awihMan
16 weeks ago

Aldershot

"I phoned the local Chinese last night .

A guy answered and said, hi I'm Wan kin the chef .

I said no worries mate I'll call back later ."

I seem to remember a Chinese Restaurant down the Kings Road called the Ho Lee Fook.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oxleyMan
16 weeks ago

Wetherby

Lee Ho Fook

In London

As in Werewolves Of London

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oxleyMan
16 weeks ago

Wetherby

Warren Zevon

Bless

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hong loverTV/TS
16 weeks ago

Wilton near Malton

Loved Warren Zevon saw him play in London twice x

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ickSeekerMan
16 weeks ago

Canterbury

Joe: does your wife scream when she orgasms?

Tom: you bet she does! We can all hear her at the pub!

🍻

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *wansmickMan
16 weeks ago

Belfast

"I'm heading to Greenwich later today.

Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time?"

Sometimes one just gets you right there lol 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *wansmickMan
16 weeks ago

Belfast

"I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation. He said "it must be very stressful for your wife?" I said "to be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits!"

Ha ha ! "

One of the top 5 on here lol 😂😂😂😂😂

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
16 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Don't know what joker rigged up the dashboard screen in my new car. I was just reversing out of a parking bay in Sainsbury's when it suddenly showed a video of a man and woman, with a big trolley load of groceries, being run over.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *uck me in KentMan
16 weeks ago

Medway

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Foo_ kin Jay-sus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hiteroseMan
16 weeks ago

Neverwhere

"How many gays does it take to change a light bulb.

FOUR

One to change the bulb and three to scream FAAABULOUSSSSS. 👇👇👇

How many CDs does it take to change a light bulb?

It can't be done, they spend all the time arguing how on earth they're going to get the light right for their photos. "

There may be a grain of truth in that

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *inkyroleMan
16 weeks ago

Bournemouth - Poole

Vicar hurrying home along the High St after evensong encounters a familiar sight: one of the town’s notorious sots slumped by a lamp post, very much the worse for wear.

Helping the inebriate to his feet the reverend murmurs sadly ‘D*unk again, Bill?’ to receive the reply ‘Yes, me too vicar!’

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hisMeMan
16 weeks ago

Forfar, Angus

How many Opticians does it take to change a light bulb?

It it one? Or is it two?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *obnsaMan
16 weeks ago

Bournemouth and surrounding area

I went to buy a real Christmas tree the other day.

"Are you putting it up, yourself?" asked the seller.

"No, in the Living Room!"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hubbyGinger76Man
16 weeks ago

Halesowen

A soldier avoided capture by disguising himself as a Christmas tree. He came back highly decorated.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *endy CMan
16 weeks ago

Huntingdon

"About time Avocados came up with some new toys inside. So far I've collected 56 small wooden balls that are too small for cricket or croquet and not even suitable for golf "

LOVE IT!!!!!!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rownriverMan
16 weeks ago

horley

On Christmas morning I will cut the garden hedge.

Then later, we will sit down to Christmas dinner with all the trimmings..

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
14 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Two sperm talking:

Sperm one:-'Can't wait until I grow up and become a Russian hard man like our dad, Vladimir Putin'

Sperm two:- 'That's never going to happen you fool. We're in Nigel Farage's arse'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
14 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Patient:-'I keep hearing voices in my pants'

Doctor:- 'Just ignore them. They are talking bollocks'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rownriverMan
14 weeks ago

horley

What's worse than a bull in a china shop? A hedgehog in a condom factory

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *amie1402Man
14 weeks ago

Liverpool

Do you talk to your wife while you’re having sex ?

Only if there’s a phone by the bed.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *lokenexdoor2025Man
14 weeks ago

Ludlow

"How many Opticians does it take to change a light bulb?

It it one? Or is it two?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *lokenexdoor2025Man
14 weeks ago

Ludlow

"On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Foo_ kin Jay-sus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ellothereabcMan
14 weeks ago

kerry

When I was younger I knew all the lyrics to last Christmas, wake me up before you go-go, club Tropicana ...now I have forgotten em all....think I might have wham-nesia...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
14 weeks ago

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eather_uktvTV/TS
14 weeks ago

Manchester

Q: How do you cut the sea in half?

A: You need a seasaw.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *haneportsMan
14 weeks ago

portsmouth

"I phoned the local Chinese last night .

A guy answered and said, hi I'm Wan kin the chef .

I said no worries mate I'll call back later .

I seem to remember a Chinese Restaurant down the Kings Road called the Ho Lee Fook."

Southea (South Portsmouth) has a Chinese takeaway called 'Wok the duck.'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hubbyGinger76Man
14 weeks ago

Halesowen

I deciding whether to have a Bucks Fizz on Christmas Morning, I'm still making my mind up

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
14 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Two guys discussing their sex lives in the pub:

1st guy: 'I'm currently shagging twins'

2nd guy: 'Wow. Bit of a problem if they are identical as you could get the names wrong'

1st guy: 'Not a problem as they are not identical. Plus Sarah has tits and a fanny and Mark has a cock and ball'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *etterbiggerMan
14 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

I bought my charity Christmas cards in aid of the Tourettes society.

It's the thought that cunts

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *racknell DeepthroaterMan
14 weeks ago

Bracknell

What's the difference between Ooooooh and Arrrrrh?

Six Inches!

Boom Boom

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ressmesissyTV/TS
14 weeks ago

Basingstoke

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it man

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *uck me in KentMan
14 weeks ago

Medway

Just had to RUSH our dog to the vets after he ate the Christmas tree lights.

When the vet told him he would be ok, his little face lit up.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *opster77Man
13 weeks ago

Wantage

Outstanding thread! : )

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ral b..Man
13 weeks ago

I haven't spoke to the wife in over ten years......I don't like to interrupt

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *arlos 0511Man
13 weeks ago

Manchester

Why couldn’t the lizard get a hard on?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *lue555Man
13 weeks ago

harrow

There’s a Chinese guy & a Jewish guy the Jewish guy says I don’t like you japiness he says why?because you bombed pearl harbour he says that wasn’t us, I’m Chinese not japiness the Jewish guy says japiness,Chinese vetnemise your all the same to me.

The Chinese guy says I don’t like you Jews he says why because you sunk the titanic he says that wasn’t us it was an iceberg.The Chinese guy says iceberg, Goldberg,Greenberg their all the same to me.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
13 weeks ago

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb....

None, the light bulb needs to want to change

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ustychubb46ETV/TS
13 weeks ago

LONDON

[Removed by poster at 31/12/25 02:17:15]

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ustychubb46ETV/TS
13 weeks ago

LONDON

"Apparently Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving head. The super colour fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious

Ill get my coat"

Now that's a joke!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hippy507Man
13 weeks ago

CHELMSFORD

I asked my wife ,what would you do if I won the lottery ,

Take half of it and leave you,

I won a tenner yesterday ,here is a fiver now fuck off and don’t come back

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ndsotobedMan
12 weeks ago

Towcester

I put the cat out last night. Trying to relight this morning!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
12 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

A man walks through a dark parkland area late one night and sees a silhouette of a woman.

"20 quid darling' she says"

He thinks why not, hands her a £20 note and they start shagging.

A policeman shines his torch on them and demands "what do you think you are doing?"

"I'm making love to my wife" the man replies

"Sorry sir" says the policeman "Didn't realise she was your wife"

"Nor did I' replies the man "Until you shone the torch in her face"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *hubbyGinger76Man
12 weeks ago

Halesowen

A postmas is doing his rounds just before Christmas, and he gets to one particular house and a woman answers the door in a sexy nightshirt. She's asks him to come in for breakfast as he must be worn out. He accepts the invitation and after breakfast just as he's about to leave the woman asks him to follow her up stairs. What followed was some of the best sex he'd ever had. He gets dressed and is about to leave when she flicks him a pound coin. Confused, he asks why.

She explains that last night her and her husband were discussing what to get people for Christmas and she asked about the postman. Her husband said, "oh him, fuck him, give him a pound." She emailed and said, "breakfast was my idea"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rownriverMan
10 weeks ago

horley

What do large boned ring masters wear?

A big top.

My mate Eddie used to be a ring master yep he worked the jewellery counter in his local H.Samuels.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ightlyfriedMan
10 weeks ago

bourne end

I used to work for the Samaritans, I called in sick one day .. the bastards talked me out of it..

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rownriverMan
10 weeks ago

horley

News from today's Court:

A fish charged with shop lifting has been let off the hook

A woman who stole ten packs of rechargeable batteries has been charged

A man who stole a trifle from Tescos has been taken into custardy

A man who stole hay has got bail

A man charged with letting the same property numerous times has been re-leased

A fireworks thief has been let off

And an escape artist has been locked up and the judge said he would throw away the key just in case

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *etterbiggerMan
10 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

I was having sex with a Chinese girl. Suddenly she starts screaming another guy's name. Who the hell is Ron Hall

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ndsotobedMan
7 weeks ago

Towcester

Big notice saying the chefs special. Explains why the foods so bad.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
7 weeks ago

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *tephanieSnowTVTV/TS
7 weeks ago

Rotherham

duck walks into a bar and orders a pint

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman..

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ........

'What the fuck would they want with a plasterer???.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *iPantiesMan
7 weeks ago

Louth

A sadist and a masochist in a room together.The masochist pleads with the sadist "hurt me please hurt me like you've never hurt anyone as bad in the past"

The sadist smiles and replies "no"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
4 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

A rather pompous MP is wandering around a garden party when a little old lady notices his flies are undone.

"Excuse me sir" she says discreetly" But your garage doors are open"

As he pulls his zip up he grins and says "Did you see my big Range Rover whilst they were open?"

"Oh no Sir" she replies "All I saw was an old rusting pink Fiat 500 with two flat tyres"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ip71Man
4 weeks ago

Darlington

Two biscuits walking down the road.. One says to the other.. where do you live... Other biscuit says I'm not telling you you'll nick my washing!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *anformeMan
4 weeks ago

notts

A man buys a talking centipede for £5000

He takes it home and after half an hour he opens the box and says

Would you like to go for a drink?

No answer.

He asks again shouting louder, would you like to go for a drink.?

Still no answer

Getting angry and thinks he's been done he yells the question again .

The centipede pops his head up and says,

Hang on, I heard you the first time .

I'm putting my fucking shoes on

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ndsotobedMan
4 weeks ago

Towcester

In some countries women still can’t vote or drive. They tried to teach them how

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *anformeMan
4 weeks ago

notts

A butch lady goes to see a gynaecologist.

As she's laying on the couch, the gynaecology says

This is the cleanest vagina I've seen in a long time.

The butch lady says, I should hope so, I have a woman in twice a week

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *MB9Man
4 weeks ago

Northampton

A guy enters a pub and orders a quadruple whiskey.

He downs it in one and immediately bursts into tears.

"What's wrong mate?" asks the landlord.

Sobbing the guy said "I'm sorry but I shouldn't have d*unk that with what I've got"

Sympathetically the landlord says "Oh mate I'm sorry, what have you got?"

"Fifteen pence" he said.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eather_uktvTV/TS
4 weeks ago

Manchester

I'm in the middle of reading a fantastic book. It's called 'Getting Rich Quick for Dummies' by Robin Banks.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
4 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Scientists have discovered a type of food that can cause years of severe pain and agonising misery. It's called Wedding Cake.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *iPantiesMan
4 weeks ago

Louth

Whats brown and sticky? - A Stick

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rownriverMan
4 weeks ago

horley

I didn't think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rownriverMan
4 weeks ago

horley

I was driving a hearse on the motorway yesterday.The police pulled me over for undertaking.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *enri du lacMan
4 weeks ago

Coventry

When it comes to sex the wife and I use the withdrawal method.

I withdraw £100 and visit a prost!tute.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *lokenexdoor2025Man
4 weeks ago

Ludlow

"A sadist and a masochist in a room together.The masochist pleads with the sadist "hurt me please hurt me like you've never hurt anyone as bad in the past"

The sadist smiles and replies "no""

Subtle

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *edMan
4 weeks ago

south wales

I’m celebrating 100 days sober today!

I’ve been drinking since I was 17 and have been stuck on 99 days since last summer….

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *evanianMan
4 weeks ago

Gogledd Ddwyrain Cymru

[Removed by poster at 05/03/26 04:40:17]

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *evanianMan
4 weeks ago

Gogledd Ddwyrain Cymru

A guy's strollin' along the beach when he stumbles upon a magic lamp. He rubs it, and out pops a genie. "I'll grant you one wish," says the genie, "but make it count." The bloke thinks for a bit, looks down at his shoes, and says, "I've always been a bit self-conscious. I'd love it if my penis was long enough to touch the ground." The genie nods, snaps his fingers, and... POOF! 💥...

...The guys's legs are now five-inch stumps!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rownriverMan
4 weeks ago

horley

My Uncle kept referring to his wife as a his little French pastry. She wasn't very happy about it. In fact, she was a cross aunt.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
4 weeks ago

Two Irish guys buy a horse each and take them home, how do we know which horse is ours ? Says Paddy that’s easy if I cut the tail off mine I know it’s mine “ says Murphy next morning both horses are missing a tail ! Right if I cut the leg off mine I know it’s mine “ Says Paddy next morning both horses are missing a leg ! Tell you what “ says paddy you have the black horse and I’ll have the white one !!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ylesburybiMan
4 weeks ago

Aylesbury

Horse walks into a bar. Barman asks “why the long face ?”

Told the wife when I die I want to be cremated. It’s the only chance I’ll get for a smoking hot body !

Wife asked had I seen the dog bowl ? I said I didn’t know it did !

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rownriverMan
4 weeks ago

horley

My wife asked me to make some chips. I said "Do I have to peel the potatoes?" She said "No.Use the ones with zips" Bloody sarcasm.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *avenMan
4 weeks ago

Stoford

Guy goes into an exotic pet shop.,and asks the owner if he has crocodiles."Yes,a few", was the reply."Ok,one small please.Just make it snappy".

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rownriverMan
4 weeks ago

horley

I put a pair of glasses on and suddenly saw a fella in a suit of armour.

They were knight vision goggles....

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ndy61hMan
4 weeks ago

Plymouth

2 tampons walking down the street, which one spoke first?

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ildwestheroMan
4 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

A woman complained that my dog had chased her on a bicycle. I said 'Don't be silly. My dog can't ride a bicycle'.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *edMan
4 weeks ago

south wales

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?….

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *rownriverMan
4 weeks ago

horley

A cowboy rode into town and decided to stop in the local saloon for a drink.

As it often went on this parts, the locals had a habit of giving a strangers a hard time. When he finished his drink, he stepped outside to find his horse missing.

Without a second thought, he strode back into the saloon, twirled his gun in the air, caught it and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Alright, which one of you low-down varmints took my horse?” He bellowed, his voice calm, but carrying a dangerous edge. The room fell silent and no one said a word.

He took a slow sip from his beer, then looked around the room with a steely gaze, “I’m gonna have one more drink,” and if my horse ain’t back out there by the time i finish, i’m gonna do what i had to do in Texas. And believe me, i don’t like doing what i had to do in Texas.”

The locals shifted uncomfortably, eyes darting between each other. The cowboy finished his beer in silence, then strolled out of the bar.

To his surprise, his horse was waiting for him by the hitching post. He saddled up, gave the crowd one last look.

As he was about to leave, the bartender ran towards the cowboy, “hey partner, before you head out, what exactly did you have to do in Texas?” The cowboy turned in his saddle with a slight grin,

“I had to walk home,” he said with a wink.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately