FabGuys.com forum: Terrible Jokes continues

By *astDevonGuy OP Man
over a year ago

East Devon

Mummy can I lick the bowl clean ?

No , flush it like everyone else does

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By *ildwestheroMan
over a year ago

Llandrindod Wells

Sadly Joe is killed in an horrendous accident that leaves his corpse disfigured. His two best mates, Sean and Jack are called in to identify him.

Sean says 'Roll him over' and then shakes his head and says 'That's not Joe'

Sean says exactly the same after the corpse is rolled over.

'Are you certain?' askes the mortician

'Yes' they both say 'This body only has one arsehole but Joe had two'

'Really' says the mortician astounded 'How do you know'

'Well' says Sean 'whenever the three of us went anywhere together people would say "Here comes Joe with the two arseholes" '

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By *eather_uktvTV/TS
over a year ago

Manchester

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet.

The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa,

the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I

pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon

it'll calm me down."

"And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and

trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the

carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in

my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the

cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything

I see.

"Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to

dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and

started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance.

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

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By *ildwestheroMan
over a year ago

Llandrindod Wells

What do you call a sex maniac who has been evicted from their house?

A homelesssexual

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By *uularTV/TS
over a year ago

Great Abington

Two fish in a tank. One says the the other, "Bet you didn't know I could drive one of these!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So I was flying a kite today and some guy came up and asked "You flying a kite?"

I blinked and replied, with a straight face "Nope, I'm fishing for birds!"

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By *addy7x6Man
over a year ago

High Wycombe

Had to take my dog to the vet to have him put down.

Friend asked me "Was he mad?"

I replied that I was sure he was none too pleased about it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whenever I think of the 80's I always think about those ghetto blasters. But that is just a stereotype.

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By *ockswallower123Man
over a year ago

lutterworth

I was having Sunday dinner when my wife rushed to the window looking horrified!

" There's three men beating up my mother in the street!

Are you going to help? "..

I looked out the window.." no I think they can manage!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My window cleaner was banging on my windows swearing and shouting, I thought to myself he’s lost his rag.

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By *ecretbottom42Man
over a year ago

Whitstable

Man walks into a fancy dress party just in his boxers and there is a compare introducing everyone.

Compare asks man in his boxers what he has come as?

He replies I've come as premature ejaculation. The compare says "I can't say that" to which the man replies "well tell everyone I have come in my pants"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw the mother in law today, and she told me she has been looking into her family past and discovered she had Viking ancestors, I said, "I always thought you had the face of a Norse"!..

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By *uddyfunGuyMan
over a year ago

Monaghan

Why does a Dog lick it's Balls?

Because it can

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By *haneportsMan
over a year ago

portsmouth

My mother in law entered the ugliest personal competition at Butlins.

The compère refused her saying “No professionals!”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Running on a treadmill really gets you no where.

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By *onyblueMan
11 weeks ago

horley

My mate set me upon a blind date, he said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She’s expecting a baby".

I felt a right idiot turning up at the pub in a diaper !!

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By *ophie_GTV/TS
11 weeks ago

Gainsborough

Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club

It was "Open Mike Night"

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By *lokenexdoor2025Man
11 weeks ago

Ludlow

"Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club

It was "Open Mike Night""

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By *appychappy12345Man
11 weeks ago

Warrington

Two snow men in a field..one says to the others can you smell carrots?"

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By *i_guy_WBayMan
11 weeks ago

Whitley Bay

What’s a pirates favourite letter??

You might think it be R but his first love will always be the C

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By *ollo007Man
11 weeks ago

Pontefract

How do you know that your sister is on her period? Your dad's cock tastes of blood... Sorry!

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By *ophie_GTV/TS
11 weeks ago

Gainsborough

I took the shell off my racing snail the other day to make it more streamlined......

Now it's a bit sluggish

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By *iPasserMan
11 weeks ago

bangor

Some parents take their little 5 year old girl and their puppy to play in the park.

As they watch the little girl throw the ball for the puppy, the ball rolls towards a sweet looking old lady who picks it up. The girl runs over to the old lady to retrieve the ball and the old lady hands it to her saying,

"Here you are, my dear. My, youre a beautiful little thing, aren't you, What's your name?"

"Blossom." replies the little girl.

"Oh what a lovely and unusual name! How did you come to be called Blossom?"

"Well my mummy over there just had me from her belly when she was in hoppital and then she was nursing me for the first ever time and then a cherry blossom blew in the open window and landed on her bed and she took it as a sign and called me Blossom."

"Well that's a wonderful story!" exclaims the old dear, "Any what's your puppy's name?"

"He's called Porky." say the little girl.

"That's a funny name for a dog," say the old lady, "Why's he called that?"

"Because he fucks pigs." replies the girl.

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By *onyblueMan
11 weeks ago

horley

"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action." "Listen Honey," "If you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."

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By *yberbumMan
11 weeks ago

llansamlet

Paddy comes home from work to find his wife propping up her washing machine on one side with 2 bricks......"what the feck are you doing?" asks Paddy..

His wife replies "doing the washing at 30 degrees you thick bastard'

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By *yberbumMan
11 weeks ago

llansamlet

Local man who refused to pay his TV licence tells BBC to fuck off... And says his TV set identifies as a microwave oven

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By *yberbumMan
11 weeks ago

llansamlet

The wife said turn that bedside lamp off and I'll let you stick it up my ass! To be fair I should have let the bulb cool down first!!

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By *ildwestheroMan
11 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Grandma reached 100 yesterday. That's the last time I lend her my car when she's late for bingo.

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By *onyblueMan
10 weeks ago

horley

I went to see the doctor today, I told him I think I’ve got alcoholic constipation. He said “what makes you think that?….I said………” I can’t pass a pub”

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By *ildwestheroMan
10 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Interviewer: 'Can you perform under pressure?'

Interviewee: 'No. But I once sang Bohemian Rhapsody at my local pub's karaoke night'

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By *etterbiggerMan
10 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

I rang in work to report sick

What's wrong with you they asked

I've got anal blindness

What the heck is that

I can't see my arse getting out of this bed anytime soon

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By *utcock61Man
10 weeks ago

glasgow

Brilliant.lol.

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By *ophie_GTV/TS
10 weeks ago

Gainsborough

I was sacked from my job in the bank.

A lady walked in and asked me to check her balance....... I pushed her over

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By *lindfold subMan
10 weeks ago

Reading

"I was sacked from my job in the bank.

A lady walked in and asked me to check her balance....... I pushed her over"

🤣🤣🤣

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By *iscreetfun2024Man
10 weeks ago

belfast

What's e.t short for ?

extraterrestre !

No cos he got wee legs

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By *opster77Man
9 weeks ago

Wantage

Great thread!

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By *rTongueTasticMan
9 weeks ago

Close_To_Chichester

"I rang in work to report sick

What's wrong with you they asked

I've got anal blindness

What the heck is that

I can't see my arse getting out of this bed anytime soon "

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By *eepeter4Man
9 weeks ago

Bournemouth

Neighbour 1 says did you hear someone singing do you want me in gang my band and I am a leader.

Neighbour 2 replies Don't tell me David Lammy as released Gary Glitter from prison by mistake

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By *onyblueMan
9 weeks ago

horley

"Neighbour 1 says did you hear someone singing do you want me in gang my band and I am a leader.

Neighbour 2 replies Don't tell me David Lammy as released Gary Glitter from prison by mistake "

The ministry of justice has a adopted the motto 'better out than in'.

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By *im le2Man
9 weeks ago

aylestone leic

"Why does a Dog lick it's Balls?

Because it can

Why does a dog lick it's balls?

Mmmm have you ever tasted a dogs balls.

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By *onyblueMan
9 weeks ago

horley

I'm heading to Greenwich later today.

Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time?

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By (user no longer on site)
9 weeks ago

why does it take 3 women with pmt to change a light bulb....because it fucking does!! ok?

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By *onyblueMan
9 weeks ago

horley

I told a joke about a cottage but it wasn’t quite up to thatch.

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By (user no longer on site)
9 weeks ago

what did frankenstines monster want for his birthday? an adjustable wrench,incase his nuts came loose

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By *artina DollybirdTV/TS
9 weeks ago

Midhurst

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other.

Ilene

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By *onyblueMan
9 weeks ago

horley

I've been drawing curtains my entire life.

And I still don't have my own exhibition.

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By *teveb6969TV/TS
9 weeks ago

Worthing

How many psychiatrist's does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has got to want to change!

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By *onyblueMan
9 weeks ago

horley

Went to the doctors and he advised me to make sure I have my 5 fruit and veg each day. So my 5 a day are:

1 carrot

2 Apple (tart)

3 banana (fritters)

4 Rhubarb (crumble)

5 strawberry (ice cream)

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By *ollo007Man
9 weeks ago

Pontefract

What's the worst way for your parents to find out that you're gay? John Wayne Gacey!!

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By *onyblueMan
9 weeks ago

horley

A man was attending a big convention in Chicago and decided to bring his wife along for a little getaway.

When they arrived at the hotel, he told her, “You relax here—I’m going to register for the event. I’ll be back in about an hour.”

She kicked off her shoes and lay down on the bed to rest.

Suddenly—WHOOSH!—a train thundered by so close that the entire room shook, and she was literally tossed off the bed.

A bit rattled but thinking it must’ve been a fluke, she climbed back onto the bed.

Moments later—WHOOSH!—another train roared past, and once again, she was launched onto the floor.

Now totally annoyed, she called the front desk and demanded to speak to the manager.

When he arrived, she explained the situation. Skeptical, he said, “That sounds a bit… unusual.”

She insisted, “No, really! Lie on the bed and wait—you’ll see for yourself!”

So the manager lies down on the bed, waiting.

Right at that moment, the husband walks back in and sees the hotel manager lying next to his wife.

His eyes narrow. “What the heck is going on here?!”

The manager sits up, flustered, and blurts out,

“Sir… would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

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By *art8Man
9 weeks ago

Cheshire

I'm sure my wife has bird flu.

She started talking shit and can't park the car

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By *appy hammerMan
9 weeks ago

Peterborough

Apparently Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving head. The super colour fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious

Ill get my coat

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By *havvybritneyTV/TS
9 weeks ago

london

What do you call a Russian with a cold?

Nastikov

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By *arry999Man
9 weeks ago

Lowestoft

"Apparently Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving head. The super colour fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious

Ill get my coat"

Brilliant

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By *oopedMan
9 weeks ago

Dunfermline

What's the difference between me and an egg?

An egg gets laid

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By *ollo007Man
9 weeks ago

Pontefract

"Apparently Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving head. The super colour fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious

Ill get my coat"
. A mint coloured octopus with a moustache keeps washing the dishes for me! I did a little search to see if anyone else has encountered this. Apparently lots of people have and it's known as a "pale green hairy lipped squid"!

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By *ildwestheroMan
8 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Is becoming a vegetarian a missed steak?

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By *elissatightsloverTV/TS
8 weeks ago

plymouth

When I die I want to be buried with my records......it will be my vinyl resting place

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By *unjoMan
8 weeks ago

london

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop.

Dr Dre

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By *ral b..Man
8 weeks ago

What do we want..

" hearing aids"

When do we want 'em...

" hearing aids".

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By *rownriverMan
8 weeks ago

Crawley

Household Fuel bills are set to fall, after passing through letter boxes.

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By *ndsotobedMan
8 weeks ago

Towcester

It’s windy enough out there to blow a Man Utd fan off his sister

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By *ndrew47Man
8 weeks ago

Southampton

What’s the latest chat up line at the gay bar ?

Would you like me to push your stool in !

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By *tephanie9090TV/TS
8 weeks ago

Bishop

What's green and smells ?

Kermits bum...

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By *opster77Man
8 weeks ago

Wantage

"When I die I want to be buried with my records......it will be my vinyl resting place"

Superb!

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By *aulie666Man
8 weeks ago

Bristol

Did you hear about the new Vi?gr? eye-drops? Apparently they make you look hard.

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By *etterbiggerMan
8 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

A guy goes to a pub. Buys a beer, has a sip and goes to the toilet.

Seconds later he is back looking flustered.

What kind of a place is this?

What's wrong asks the barman

There's a guy bent over the sink. There's a guy behind him fucking him up the arse.

Then there's a guy behind the second guy doing him up the bum as well!

The guy in the middle. Is he tall and slim looking with red hair?

Yes says the guy

He's a jammy git says the barman. He won the meat raffle at the weekend too

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By *entlad365Man
8 weeks ago

Dartford

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes

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By *ildwestheroMan
8 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

About time Avocados came up with some new toys inside. So far I've collected 56 small wooden balls that are too small for cricket or croquet and not even suitable for golf

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By *tagman6930Man
7 weeks ago

SW London

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth

And then it becomes a soap opera.

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By *ucksitupMan
7 weeks ago

Shrewsbury

"Apparently Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving head. The super colour fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious

Ill get my coat. A mint coloured octopus with a moustache keeps washing the dishes for me! I did a little search to see if anyone else has encountered this. Apparently lots of people have and it's known as a "pale green hairy lipped squid"!"

I think that should have been “mild green ..” 🤣

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By *andall_FlaggMan
7 weeks ago

Glasgow

Billy and Boaby pals in their 60's are sitting in the pub talking about their wives

Billy says: we still go at it lije rabbits every night

Boaby: you lucky bastard, I only get it once a month, I call it Bruce Lee night

Billy: why Bruce Lee night?

Boaby: cause thats when I enter the dragon

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By *uck me in KentMan
7 weeks ago

Medway

Had the worst day ever. I paid a joiner to build me a double bed and he's done a bunk.

It's just one thing on top of another.

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By *uck me in KentMan
7 weeks ago

Medway

I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation. He said "it must be very stressful for your wife?" I said "to be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits!"

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By *uck me in KentMan
7 weeks ago

Medway

Just finished reading an excellent book called

"Fights on a Narrowboat"

by R.G. Bargee

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By *rownriverMan
7 weeks ago

Crawley

My aunt Mavis has just retired after 30 years. In spite of not being able to read or write she was high up in Scotland Yard. She was the cleaner on the 18th floor.

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By *iBobOxonMan
7 weeks ago

Thame/Aylesbury

"I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation. He said "it must be very stressful for your wife?" I said "to be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits!""

Ha ha !

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By *lowSubMan
7 weeks ago

Northampton

"Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet.

The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa,

the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I

pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon

it'll calm me down."

"And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and

trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the

carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in

my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the

cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything

I see.

"Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to

dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and

started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance.

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

Don't you just LOVE Great Danes..

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By *ildwestheroMan
7 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Tampax are replacing the string on a tampon with a piece of tinsel. But for the Christmas period only.

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By *elissatightsloverTV/TS
7 weeks ago

plymouth

What do you get if you cross goats dna and human death?

Kicked out of the petting zoo

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By *ndsotobedMan
6 weeks ago

Towcester

A lot of gays stay in the closet because they’re interested in fashion

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By *ruemaleMan
6 weeks ago

notts

Had a letter from the undertakers.

If I don't pay the last installment on the mother in law.

Up she comes

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By *ruemaleMan
6 weeks ago

notts

How many gays does it take to change a light bulb.

FOUR

One to change the bulb and three to scream FAAABULOUSSSSS.

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By *ojanglesMan
6 weeks ago

mk41

There was a program about the clitoris on tv the other night the announcer said press the red button for the life of me i couldn’t find it

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By *westMan
6 weeks ago

Hull

I used to be a member of a local chess club but I had to leave as I felt I was just a pawn in their game.

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By *ldmagic4uMan
6 weeks ago

Clevedon

Women in a pub said to me, come outside & I will show you a good time.

She ran 100 meters down the street in 10.02 seconds.

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By *haneportsMan
6 weeks ago

portsmouth

A guy walks into a bar. He's in his hospital gown & still attached to his drip that hes dragged in with him.

"Barman. I'll have a Guinness & a double whisky please?"

"Coming right up sir."

The patient downs the drinks in a few gulps. Then says "Barman, I shouldn't be in here with what I've got."

Looking worried the barman asks "Why, what have you got?"

"No money!"

I'd get my coat but it left before me.

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By *eepeter4Man
6 weeks ago

Bournemouth

"How many gays does it take to change a light bulb.

FOUR

One to change the bulb and three to scream FAAABULOUSSSSS. "
👇👇👇

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By *ruemaleMan
6 weeks ago

notts

"Neighbour 1 says did you hear someone singing do you want me in gang my band and I am a leader.

Neighbour 2 replies Don't tell me David Lammy as released Gary Glitter from prison by mistake "

🤮 🤮 👎 👎 👎

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By *raggahboyMan
6 weeks ago

stoke

A seasonal joke Father outside I dont give a fxxx who you are Get those bloody reindeer off my solar panels Dont you know they cost a fortune!

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By *eepeter4Man
6 weeks ago

Bournemouth

"Neighbour 1 says did you hear someone singing do you want me in gang my band and I am a leader.

Neighbour 2 replies Don't tell me David Lammy as released Gary Glitter from prison by mistake

🤮 🤮 👎 👎 👎"
👇👇👇

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By *ttmcdguyTV/TS
6 weeks ago

Milton Keynes

"What's green and smells ?

Kermits bum..."

What’s green and smells of bacon ?

Kermit’s finger

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By *iglad1973Man
6 weeks ago

Ashington

Xnas star wars joke

Xnas day in the Skywalkers house hold.

Luke is getting excited as its Xmas day wondering what he is getting for Christmas.

His dad appears (Darth Vadour) and with his deep voice and heavy breathing says

Luke I know what your getting for Christmas I felt your presence

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By *arcusUK2Man
6 weeks ago

Winchester

"How many gays does it take to change a light bulb.

FOUR

One to change the bulb and three to scream FAAABULOUSSSSS. 👇👇👇"

How many CDs does it take to change a light bulb?

It can't be done, they spend all the time arguing how on earth they're going to get the light right for their photos.

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By *ornyoldfellaMan
6 weeks ago

Thornton-Cleveleys

I phoned the local Chinese last night .

A guy answered and said, hi I'm Wan kin the chef .

I said no worries mate I'll call back later .

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By *ojanglesMan
6 weeks ago

mk41

A d*unk guy comes out of the pub and decides to get in his car and drives home

He puts it in reverse and smashes straight into the car parked behind he puts it in first gear obliterated the garden and the flower pots pulled out narrowly missing on coming traffic speeds up hit the traffic cones doesn’t see the roundabout ahead of him hitting the central resovation the car spins out of control and lands on its roof he manages to get out unscathed a copper has been following him all the way and says to the man

Excuse me sir have you been drinking

The man replied well have of course I have what do you think I am a fuckin stuntman

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By *rTongueTasticMan
6 weeks ago

Close_To_Chichester

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By *evanianMan
6 weeks ago

Flintshire

Totally unbelievable!! Is no legend sacred in this day and age?? . . . . .

It's now suggested that when Good King Wenceslas looked out he wasn't too impressed with the Feast of Stephen, historical evidence from Pizza Express alleges that he ordered a Deep-pan.... crisp and even! 🫣

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By *ttmcdguyTV/TS
5 weeks ago

Milton Keynes

"Had a letter from the undertakers.

If I don't pay the last installment on the mother in law.

Up she comes"

Pay it fkin quick !

There’s a chance she might not be as dead as you 1st thought! And there’s that outsider chance of resurrection!

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By *awihMan
5 weeks ago

Aldershot

"I phoned the local Chinese last night .

A guy answered and said, hi I'm Wan kin the chef .

I said no worries mate I'll call back later ."

I seem to remember a Chinese Restaurant down the Kings Road called the Ho Lee Fook.

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By *oxleyMan
5 weeks ago

Wetherby

Lee Ho Fook

In London

As in Werewolves Of London

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By *oxleyMan
5 weeks ago

Wetherby

Warren Zevon

Bless

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By *hong loverTV/TS
5 weeks ago

Wilton near Malton

Loved Warren Zevon saw him play in London twice x

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By *ickSeekerMan
5 weeks ago

Canterbury

Joe: does your wife scream when she orgasms?

Tom: you bet she does! We can all hear her at the pub!

🍻

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By *wansmickMan
5 weeks ago

Belfast

"I'm heading to Greenwich later today.

Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time?"

Sometimes one just gets you right there lol 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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By *wansmickMan
5 weeks ago

Belfast

"I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation. He said "it must be very stressful for your wife?" I said "to be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits!"

Ha ha ! "

One of the top 5 on here lol 😂😂😂😂😂

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By *ildwestheroMan
5 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Don't know what joker rigged up the dashboard screen in my new car. I was just reversing out of a parking bay in Sainsbury's when it suddenly showed a video of a man and woman, with a big trolley load of groceries, being run over.

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By *uck me in KentMan
5 weeks ago

Medway

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Foo_ kin Jay-sus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything.

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By *hiteroseMan
5 weeks ago

Neverwhere

"How many gays does it take to change a light bulb.

FOUR

One to change the bulb and three to scream FAAABULOUSSSSS. 👇👇👇

How many CDs does it take to change a light bulb?

It can't be done, they spend all the time arguing how on earth they're going to get the light right for their photos. "

There may be a grain of truth in that

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By *inkyroleMan
5 weeks ago

Bournemouth - Poole

Vicar hurrying home along the High St after evensong encounters a familiar sight: one of the town’s notorious sots slumped by a lamp post, very much the worse for wear.

Helping the inebriate to his feet the reverend murmurs sadly ‘D*unk again, Bill?’ to receive the reply ‘Yes, me too vicar!’

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By *hisMeMan
5 weeks ago

Forfar, Angus

How many Opticians does it take to change a light bulb?

It it one? Or is it two?

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By *obnsaMan
5 weeks ago

Bournemouth and surrounding area

I went to buy a real Christmas tree the other day.

"Are you putting it up, yourself?" asked the seller.

"No, in the Living Room!"

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By *hubbyGinger76Man
5 weeks ago

Halesowen

A soldier avoided capture by disguising himself as a Christmas tree. He came back highly decorated.

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By *endy CMan
5 weeks ago

Huntingdon

"About time Avocados came up with some new toys inside. So far I've collected 56 small wooden balls that are too small for cricket or croquet and not even suitable for golf "

LOVE IT!!!!!!!

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By *rownriverMan
5 weeks ago

Crawley

On Christmas morning I will cut the garden hedge.

Then later, we will sit down to Christmas dinner with all the trimmings..

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By *ildwestheroMan
3 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Two sperm talking:

Sperm one:-'Can't wait until I grow up and become a Russian hard man like our dad, Vladimir Putin'

Sperm two:- 'That's never going to happen you fool. We're in Nigel Farage's arse'

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By *ildwestheroMan
3 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Patient:-'I keep hearing voices in my pants'

Doctor:- 'Just ignore them. They are talking bollocks'

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By *rownriverMan
3 weeks ago

Crawley

What's worse than a bull in a china shop? A hedgehog in a condom factory

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By *amie1402Man
3 weeks ago

Liverpool

Do you talk to your wife while you’re having sex ?

Only if there’s a phone by the bed.

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By *lokenexdoor2025Man
3 weeks ago

Ludlow

"How many Opticians does it take to change a light bulb?

It it one? Or is it two?

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By *lokenexdoor2025Man
3 weeks ago

Ludlow

"On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Foo_ kin Jay-sus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."

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By *ellothereabcMan
3 weeks ago

kerry

When I was younger I knew all the lyrics to last Christmas, wake me up before you go-go, club Tropicana ...now I have forgotten em all....think I might have wham-nesia...

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By (user no longer on site)
3 weeks ago

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By *eather_uktvTV/TS
3 weeks ago

Manchester

Q: How do you cut the sea in half?

A: You need a seasaw.

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By *haneportsMan
3 weeks ago

portsmouth

"I phoned the local Chinese last night .

A guy answered and said, hi I'm Wan kin the chef .

I said no worries mate I'll call back later .

I seem to remember a Chinese Restaurant down the Kings Road called the Ho Lee Fook."

Southea (South Portsmouth) has a Chinese takeaway called 'Wok the duck.'

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By *hubbyGinger76Man
3 weeks ago

Halesowen

I deciding whether to have a Bucks Fizz on Christmas Morning, I'm still making my mind up

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By *ildwestheroMan
3 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Two guys discussing their sex lives in the pub:

1st guy: 'I'm currently shagging twins'

2nd guy: 'Wow. Bit of a problem if they are identical as you could get the names wrong'

1st guy: 'Not a problem as they are not identical. Plus Sarah has tits and a fanny and Mark has a cock and ball'

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By *etterbiggerMan
3 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

I bought my charity Christmas cards in aid of the Tourettes society.

It's the thought that cunts

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By *racknell DeepthroaterMan
3 weeks ago

Bracknell

What's the difference between Ooooooh and Arrrrrh?

Six Inches!

Boom Boom

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By *ressmesissyTV/TS
3 weeks ago

Basingstoke

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it man

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By *uck me in KentMan
3 weeks ago

Medway

Just had to RUSH our dog to the vets after he ate the Christmas tree lights.

When the vet told him he would be ok, his little face lit up.

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By *opster77Man
2 weeks ago

Wantage

Outstanding thread! : )

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By *ral b..Man
2 weeks ago

I haven't spoke to the wife in over ten years......I don't like to interrupt

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By *arlos 0511Man
2 weeks ago

Manchester

Why couldn’t the lizard get a hard on?

Because he had a reptile dysfunction.

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By *lue555Man
2 weeks ago

harrow

There’s a Chinese guy & a Jewish guy the Jewish guy says I don’t like you japiness he says why?because you bombed pearl harbour he says that wasn’t us, I’m Chinese not japiness the Jewish guy says japiness,Chinese vetnemise your all the same to me.

The Chinese guy says I don’t like you Jews he says why because you sunk the titanic he says that wasn’t us it was an iceberg.The Chinese guy says iceberg, Goldberg,Greenberg their all the same to me.

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By *reddi400Man
2 weeks ago

ayr

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb....

None, the light bulb needs to want to change

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By *ustychubb46ETV/TS
2 weeks ago

LONDON

[Removed by poster at 31/12/25 02:17:15]

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By *ustychubb46ETV/TS
2 weeks ago

LONDON

"Apparently Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving head. The super colour fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious

Ill get my coat"

Now that's a joke!

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By *hippy507Man
2 weeks ago

CHELMSFORD

I asked my wife ,what would you do if I won the lottery ,

Take half of it and leave you,

I won a tenner yesterday ,here is a fiver now fuck off and don’t come back

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By *ndsotobedMan
1 week ago

Towcester

I put the cat out last night. Trying to relight this morning!

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By *ildwestheroMan
1 week ago

Llandrindod Wells

A man walks through a dark parkland area late one night and sees a silhouette of a woman.

"20 quid darling' she says"

He thinks why not, hands her a £20 note and they start shagging.

A policeman shines his torch on them and demands "what do you think you are doing?"

"I'm making love to my wife" the man replies

"Sorry sir" says the policeman "Didn't realise she was your wife"

"Nor did I' replies the man "Until you shone the torch in her face"

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By *hubbyGinger76Man
1 week ago

Halesowen

A postmas is doing his rounds just before Christmas, and he gets to one particular house and a woman answers the door in a sexy nightshirt. She's asks him to come in for breakfast as he must be worn out. He accepts the invitation and after breakfast just as he's about to leave the woman asks him to follow her up stairs. What followed was some of the best sex he'd ever had. He gets dressed and is about to leave when she flicks him a pound coin. Confused, he asks why.

She explains that last night her and her husband were discussing what to get people for Christmas and she asked about the postman. Her husband said, "oh him, fuck him, give him a pound." She emailed and said, "breakfast was my idea"

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