FabGuys.com forum: Terrible Jokes continues

By *astDevonGuy OP Man
over a year ago

East Devon

Mummy can I lick the bowl clean ?

No , flush it like everyone else does

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By *ildwestheroMan
over a year ago

Llandrindod Wells

Sadly Joe is killed in an horrendous accident that leaves his corpse disfigured. His two best mates, Sean and Jack are called in to identify him.

Sean says 'Roll him over' and then shakes his head and says 'That's not Joe'

Sean says exactly the same after the corpse is rolled over.

'Are you certain?' askes the mortician

'Yes' they both say 'This body only has one arsehole but Joe had two'

'Really' says the mortician astounded 'How do you know'

'Well' says Sean 'whenever the three of us went anywhere together people would say "Here comes Joe with the two arseholes" '

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By *eather_uktvTV/TS
over a year ago

Manchester

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet.

The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa,

the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I

pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon

it'll calm me down."

"And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and

trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the

carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in

my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the

cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything

I see.

"Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to

dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and

started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance.

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

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By *ildwestheroMan
over a year ago

Llandrindod Wells

What do you call a sex maniac who has been evicted from their house?

A homelesssexual

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By *uularTV/TS
over a year ago

Great Abington

Two fish in a tank. One says the the other, "Bet you didn't know I could drive one of these!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So I was flying a kite today and some guy came up and asked "You flying a kite?"

I blinked and replied, with a straight face "Nope, I'm fishing for birds!"

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By *addy7x6Man
over a year ago

High Wycombe

Had to take my dog to the vet to have him put down.

Friend asked me "Was he mad?"

I replied that I was sure he was none too pleased about it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whenever I think of the 80's I always think about those ghetto blasters. But that is just a stereotype.

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By *ockswallower123Man
over a year ago

lutterworth

I was having Sunday dinner when my wife rushed to the window looking horrified!

" There's three men beating up my mother in the street!

Are you going to help? "..

I looked out the window.." no I think they can manage!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My window cleaner was banging on my windows swearing and shouting, I thought to myself he’s lost his rag.

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By *ecretbottom42Man
over a year ago

Whitstable

Man walks into a fancy dress party just in his boxers and there is a compare introducing everyone.

Compare asks man in his boxers what he has come as?

He replies I've come as premature ejaculation. The compare says "I can't say that" to which the man replies "well tell everyone I have come in my pants"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw the mother in law today, and she told me she has been looking into her family past and discovered she had Viking ancestors, I said, "I always thought you had the face of a Norse"!..

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By *uddyfunGuyMan
over a year ago

Monaghan

Why does a Dog lick it's Balls?

Because it can

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By *haneportsMan
over a year ago

portsmouth

My mother in law entered the ugliest personal competition at Butlins.

The compère refused her saying “No professionals!”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Running on a treadmill really gets you no where.

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By *onyblueMan
4 weeks ago

horley

My mate set me upon a blind date, he said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She’s expecting a baby".

I felt a right idiot turning up at the pub in a diaper !!

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By *ophie_GTV/TS
4 weeks ago

Gainsborough

Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club

It was "Open Mike Night"

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By *lokenexdoor2025Man
4 weeks ago

Ludlow

"Everyone was excited at the Autopsy Club

It was "Open Mike Night""

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By *appychappy12345Man
4 weeks ago

Warrington

Two snow men in a field..one says to the others can you smell carrots?"

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By *i_guy_WBayMan
4 weeks ago

Whitley Bay

What’s a pirates favourite letter??

You might think it be R but his first love will always be the C

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By *ollo007Man
4 weeks ago

Pontefract

How do you know that your sister is on her period? Your dad's cock tastes of blood... Sorry!

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By *ophie_GTV/TS
4 weeks ago

Gainsborough

I took the shell off my racing snail the other day to make it more streamlined......

Now it's a bit sluggish

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By *iPasserMan
4 weeks ago

bangor

Some parents take their little 5 year old girl and their puppy to play in the park.

As they watch the little girl throw the ball for the puppy, the ball rolls towards a sweet looking old lady who picks it up. The girl runs over to the old lady to retrieve the ball and the old lady hands it to her saying,

"Here you are, my dear. My, youre a beautiful little thing, aren't you, What's your name?"

"Blossom." replies the little girl.

"Oh what a lovely and unusual name! How did you come to be called Blossom?"

"Well my mummy over there just had me from her belly when she was in hoppital and then she was nursing me for the first ever time and then a cherry blossom blew in the open window and landed on her bed and she took it as a sign and called me Blossom."

"Well that's a wonderful story!" exclaims the old dear, "Any what's your puppy's name?"

"He's called Porky." say the little girl.

"That's a funny name for a dog," say the old lady, "Why's he called that?"

"Because he fucks pigs." replies the girl.

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By *onyblueMan
4 weeks ago

horley

"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action." "Listen Honey," "If you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."

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By *yberbumMan
4 weeks ago

llansamlet

Paddy comes home from work to find his wife propping up her washing machine on one side with 2 bricks......"what the feck are you doing?" asks Paddy..

His wife replies "doing the washing at 30 degrees you thick bastard'

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By *yberbumMan
4 weeks ago

llansamlet

Local man who refused to pay his TV licence tells BBC to fuck off... And says his TV set identifies as a microwave oven

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By *yberbumMan
4 weeks ago

llansamlet

The wife said turn that bedside lamp off and I'll let you stick it up my ass! To be fair I should have let the bulb cool down first!!

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By *ildwestheroMan
4 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Grandma reached 100 yesterday. That's the last time I lend her my car when she's late for bingo.

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By *onyblueMan
3 weeks ago

horley

I went to see the doctor today, I told him I think I’ve got alcoholic constipation. He said “what makes you think that?….I said………” I can’t pass a pub”

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By *ildwestheroMan
3 weeks ago

Llandrindod Wells

Interviewer: 'Can you perform under pressure?'

Interviewee: 'No. But I once sang Bohemian Rhapsody at my local pub's karaoke night'

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By *etterbiggerMan
3 weeks ago

Scunthorpe

I rang in work to report sick

What's wrong with you they asked

I've got anal blindness

What the heck is that

I can't see my arse getting out of this bed anytime soon

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By *utcock61Man
3 weeks ago

glasgow

Brilliant.lol.

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By *ophie_GTV/TS
3 weeks ago

Gainsborough

I was sacked from my job in the bank.

A lady walked in and asked me to check her balance....... I pushed her over

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By *lindfold subMan
3 weeks ago

Reading

"I was sacked from my job in the bank.

A lady walked in and asked me to check her balance....... I pushed her over"

🤣🤣🤣

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By *iscreetfun2024Man
3 weeks ago

belfast

What's e.t short for ?

extraterrestre !

No cos he got wee legs

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By *opster77Man
2 weeks ago

Wantage

Great thread!

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By *rTongueTasticMan
2 weeks ago

Close_To_Chichester

"I rang in work to report sick

What's wrong with you they asked

I've got anal blindness

What the heck is that

I can't see my arse getting out of this bed anytime soon "

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By *eepeter4Man
2 weeks ago

Bournemouth

Neighbour 1 says did you hear someone singing do you want me in gang my band and I am a leader.

Neighbour 2 replies Don't tell me David Lammy as released Gary Glitter from prison by mistake

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By *onyblueMan
2 weeks ago

horley

"Neighbour 1 says did you hear someone singing do you want me in gang my band and I am a leader.

Neighbour 2 replies Don't tell me David Lammy as released Gary Glitter from prison by mistake "

The ministry of justice has a adopted the motto 'better out than in'.

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By *im le2Man
2 weeks ago

aylestone leic

"Why does a Dog lick it's Balls?

Because it can

Why does a dog lick it's balls?

Mmmm have you ever tasted a dogs balls.

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By *onyblueMan
2 weeks ago

horley

I'm heading to Greenwich later today.

Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time?

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By (user no longer on site)
2 weeks ago

why does it take 3 women with pmt to change a light bulb....because it fucking does!! ok?

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By *onyblueMan
2 weeks ago

horley

I told a joke about a cottage but it wasn’t quite up to thatch.

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By (user no longer on site)
2 weeks ago

what did frankenstines monster want for his birthday? an adjustable wrench,incase his nuts came loose

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By *artina DollybirdTV/TS
2 weeks ago

Midhurst

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other.

Ilene

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By *onyblueMan
2 weeks ago

horley

I've been drawing curtains my entire life.

And I still don't have my own exhibition.

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By *teveb6969TV/TS
2 weeks ago

Worthing

How many psychiatrist's does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has got to want to change!

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By *onyblueMan
2 weeks ago

horley

Went to the doctors and he advised me to make sure I have my 5 fruit and veg each day. So my 5 a day are:

1 carrot

2 Apple (tart)

3 banana (fritters)

4 Rhubarb (crumble)

5 strawberry (ice cream)

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By *ollo007Man
2 weeks ago

Pontefract

What's the worst way for your parents to find out that you're gay? John Wayne Gacey!!

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By *onyblueMan
2 weeks ago

horley

A man was attending a big convention in Chicago and decided to bring his wife along for a little getaway.

When they arrived at the hotel, he told her, “You relax here—I’m going to register for the event. I’ll be back in about an hour.”

She kicked off her shoes and lay down on the bed to rest.

Suddenly—WHOOSH!—a train thundered by so close that the entire room shook, and she was literally tossed off the bed.

A bit rattled but thinking it must’ve been a fluke, she climbed back onto the bed.

Moments later—WHOOSH!—another train roared past, and once again, she was launched onto the floor.

Now totally annoyed, she called the front desk and demanded to speak to the manager.

When he arrived, she explained the situation. Skeptical, he said, “That sounds a bit… unusual.”

She insisted, “No, really! Lie on the bed and wait—you’ll see for yourself!”

So the manager lies down on the bed, waiting.

Right at that moment, the husband walks back in and sees the hotel manager lying next to his wife.

His eyes narrow. “What the heck is going on here?!”

The manager sits up, flustered, and blurts out,

“Sir… would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

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By *art8Man
2 weeks ago

Cheshire

I'm sure my wife has bird flu.

She started talking shit and can't park the car

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By *appy hammerMan
2 weeks ago

Peterborough

Apparently Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving head. The super colour fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious

Ill get my coat

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By *havvybritneyTV/TS
2 weeks ago

London, South Tottenham

What do you call a Russian with a cold?

Nastikov

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By *arry999Man
2 weeks ago

Lowestoft

"Apparently Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving head. The super colour fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious

Ill get my coat"

Brilliant

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By *oopedMan
2 weeks ago

Dunfermline

What's the difference between me and an egg?

An egg gets laid

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By *ollo007Man
2 weeks ago

Pontefract

"Apparently Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving head. The super colour fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious

Ill get my coat"
. A mint coloured octopus with a moustache keeps washing the dishes for me! I did a little search to see if anyone else has encountered this. Apparently lots of people have and it's known as a "pale green hairy lipped squid"!

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By *ildwestheroMan
1 week ago

Llandrindod Wells

Is becoming a vegetarian a missed steak?

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By *elissatightsloverTV/TS
1 week ago

plymouth

When I die I want to be buried with my records......it will be my vinyl resting place

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By *unjoMan
1 week ago

london

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop.

Dr Dre

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By *ral b..Man
1 week ago

What do we want..

" hearing aids"

When do we want 'em...

" hearing aids".

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By *rownriverMan
1 week ago

Crawley

Household Fuel bills are set to fall, after passing through letter boxes.

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By *ndsotobedMan
1 week ago

Towcester

It’s windy enough out there to blow a Man Utd fan off his sister

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By *ndrew47Man
1 week ago

Southampton

What’s the latest chat up line at the gay bar ?

Would you like me to push your stool in !

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By *tephanie9090TV/TS
1 week ago

Bishop

What's green and smells ?

Kermits bum...

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By *opster77Man
7 days ago

Wantage

"When I die I want to be buried with my records......it will be my vinyl resting place"

Superb!

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By *aulie666Man
7 days ago

Bristol

Did you hear about the new Vi?gr? eye-drops? Apparently they make you look hard.

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By *etterbiggerMan
7 days ago

Scunthorpe

A guy goes to a pub. Buys a beer, has a sip and goes to the toilet.

Seconds later he is back looking flustered.

What kind of a place is this?

What's wrong asks the barman

There's a guy bent over the sink. There's a guy behind him fucking him up the arse.

Then there's a guy behind the second guy doing him up the bum as well!

The guy in the middle. Is he tall and slim looking with red hair?

Yes says the guy

He's a jammy git says the barman. He won the meat raffle at the weekend too

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By *entlad365Man
7 days ago

Dartford

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your genes

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By *ildwestheroMan
6 days ago

Llandrindod Wells

About time Avocados came up with some new toys inside. So far I've collected 56 small wooden balls that are too small for cricket or croquet and not even suitable for golf

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By *tagman6930Man
4 days ago

SW London

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth

And then it becomes a soap opera.

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By *ucksitupMan
4 days ago

Shrewsbury

"Apparently Mary Poppins has stopped wearing lipstick while giving head. The super colour fragile lipstick makes the dick atrocious

Ill get my coat. A mint coloured octopus with a moustache keeps washing the dishes for me! I did a little search to see if anyone else has encountered this. Apparently lots of people have and it's known as a "pale green hairy lipped squid"!"

I think that should have been “mild green ..” 🤣

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By *andall_FlaggMan
4 days ago

Glasgow

Billy and Boaby pals in their 60's are sitting in the pub talking about their wives

Billy says: we still go at it lije rabbits every night

Boaby: you lucky bastard, I only get it once a month, I call it Bruce Lee night

Billy: why Bruce Lee night?

Boaby: cause thats when I enter the dragon

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By *uck me in KentMan
4 days ago

Medway

Had the worst day ever. I paid a joiner to build me a double bed and he's done a bunk.

It's just one thing on top of another.

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By *uck me in KentMan
4 days ago

Medway

I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation. He said "it must be very stressful for your wife?" I said "to be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits!"

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By *uck me in KentMan
4 days ago

Medway

Just finished reading an excellent book called

"Fights on a Narrowboat"

by R.G. Bargee

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By *rownriverMan
4 days ago

Crawley

My aunt Mavis has just retired after 30 years. In spite of not being able to read or write she was high up in Scotland Yard. She was the cleaner on the 18th floor.

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By *iBobOxonMan
4 days ago

Thame/Aylesbury

"I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation. He said "it must be very stressful for your wife?" I said "to be perfectly honest, it's getting on her tits!""

Ha ha !

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By *lowSubMan
3 days ago

Northampton

"Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet.

The Black Labrador asked the yellow Labrador "So why are you here?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa,

the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I

pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon

it'll calm me down."

"And why are you here?" the Yellow Lab asked the Black

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and

trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the

carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in

my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the

cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything

I see.

"Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to

dry her feet, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and

started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance.

"So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped! "

Don't you just LOVE Great Danes..

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By *ildwestheroMan
1 day ago

Llandrindod Wells

Tampax are replacing the string on a tampon with a piece of tinsel. But for the Christmas period only.

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By *elissatightsloverTV/TS
23 hours ago

plymouth

What do you get if you cross goats dna and human death?

Kicked out of the petting zoo

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